It was awards night tonight at CAP. At first, I didn't think much of it, as I haven't been there long, so I didn't think it would really involve me. Never got my beginner awards from the last squadron, but I'm not really too concerned about it.
Also turns out I wasn't on the radios tonight either - that's next week. So excited that I got ahead of myself.
So they get started and the first person gets an award for Airbourne Photography, one of the emergency services qualifications. My heart leaps into my throat. Mission Observer is also an emergency services qualification. I contemplate hiding out in the bathroom. No joke- that really went through my mind. A few of my buddies get recognized for their achievements, so I get distracted and congratulate them. Before I know it, my name is called. I walked up to the front on auto-pilot. They said something about me, something about my achievements, but I didn't register what they said. I walked back to my seat with my new Observer wings.
My eyes filled with tears looking at them. They were beautiful and I've waited so long to have them. So very long... Not only the wings, but the title, the respect, and heck, even the flight suit that went along with the Mission Observer title. The person in charge of the missions and one step closer to Mission Pilot - the whole reason I joined this organization.
But they weren't mine. I still have a lot to learn with the G1000 and I most certainly am in no way, shape or form fit to be in charge of any mission. I'll get there, but I just don't have it yet. I require too much help in the cockpit to feel right about accepting these wings. Each "congratulations" given from my buddies and other members was like a stab to the heart.
After the meeting, I went to one of the guys in charge and told him my concerns. He said that there was a difference in being qualified and being proficient. I was qualified, but the problem I was having was that I didn't feel proficient. Good, glad we understand one another - take these wings back. Not so fast, he said. The regulations state you only must be qualified and then you use training missions and real missions to become proficient. I stated my case and pointed out how when I became a Scanner, I was qualified and proficient. He said that was different. Heck yeah, that's different - Observer carries much more responsibility than Scanner. He said it was a "license to learn", just like the pilot told me. I understand all of that and by all means, I don't intend to stop learning here. But I'm just not proficient enough to be a good member of the flight crew. He told me to talk to the Commander or even the Chaplain, but he wasn't taking the wings back.
I sat and waited on the Commander. They took so long that I nearly gave up and went home. But I knew in the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if I left with those wings.
Finally, they were finished and I went into talk to him. My voice cracked as I told him I didn't deserve the wings. He said I was just nervous about having to perform a real life mission and it was understandable; that we all go through that. And if we don't, then it's time to move on. I guess that may be part of it as well, but I don't think my performance as an Observer is adequate.
With Mission Scanner, I made sure I was so proficient at that role that they could wake me up out of a dead sleep at 2am, and I could still perform flawlessly - blindfolded and with my arms tied behind my back. Not really because you need to be able to see and write as part of the job. I know that the situation will change when it becomes a real mission, which is why I need to make certain that I am without a shadow of a doubt that I am the best I can be at that position. Otherwise I let my flight crew, the people I am trying to save... and myself... down. If I don't know what the hell I'm doing on a clear, calm day, then how am I gonna know what to do when they actually need me? I'll freeze. They'll need to come to my aid, when we should be coming to someone else's aid instead. That's not right and that's not fair.
The commander told me he was really happy I joined this squadron. He reminded me that one of the first things I told him was that I liked how they trained well over here and people worked really hard. He said that told him that I wanted a place to learn and wanted to work hard too. All of the people I've flown with have told him that they loved flying with me. I work hard, ask good questions and everyone just enjoys being around me. I couldn't help but smile at this point. That made me feel good. He said all of the "license to learn" stuff again - yeah I get it, I really do... But that's not good enough for me. He told me to wear the wings proudly and ask some pilots for extra help, if I thought I needed it.
We were at an impasse. I couldn't feel good about walking out with the wings and he wasn't going to accept them back. But we worked something out that made us both happy... and unfortunately, I can't disclose it here. He made me promise not to tell any of the other members and to promise to keep learning.
And learning I shall keep doing. One of my pilot buddies needs an excuse to fly and I need to fly to train more. I'll email him in the morning and see if he wants to go flying again.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Stand Out & Stand Up
It's been awhile since I've updated. Between then and now, I have (obviously) survived the Spartan.
And with a smile, no less. Every picture they captured of me during the race, I have a smile on my face. Even in my worst moments, when I thought things were rough or bad, I still had a smile. I joke and say it must have been delirium, although I know it was because I was having fun.
Another lesson the Spartan taught me - face adversity and ever obstacle with a smile. The change in perspective won't change the circumstances, but it will make it easier to get through. Plus, after everything is over, people seem to think you are stronger for being able to smile through it.
The biggest struggle is recovery right now. I was doing 40 push-ups nightly before the race to help build up my upper arm strength. Although my mind is craving to run right now and is telling me I can do so, my body is still maxed out. I tried push-ups for the first time the other day and my arms gave out after 4 of them.
It strikes me as odd how similar this is to flying - know your limits and gently push that envelope. If you exceed the performance capabilities of the aircraft, it may be slow to recover or will not recover at all. Perhaps going into the race sick, I wasn't in danger of not finishing - oh no, my will and perseverance are too strong for that. I would have crawled to the finish line if need be. Perhaps the real danger was in recovery. I'm sure recovery is much slower because of the shape I was when I began the race.
Would I do it all again? In a heartbeat. You push your limits, you do the things you never thought you could do... I climbed over an 8 foot wall with the aide of my teammates!!! A skinny girl who is afraid of heights climbed over an 8 foot wall!!! Once you do that, the rest is small stuff... So, as I was saying, you push your own limits, you do things you never thought you could do, you build relationships with people who are racing beside you and you are doing this in the most uncomfortable conditions possible. Most of the time you are wet, cold and muddy. It doesn't really begin to bother you until the end anyways.
I mention all of this because I stopped updating because I was tired of updating about meetings all the time. What I really want to do is update about actual flying. It began to discourage me. I know I need to find a new instructor and a new school... I say money and finding time is the problem, but I also know it's really me. Money is a big factor, don't get me wrong... but not the main reason. I'm scared. I'm haunted by the memories of being at a school before, and I'm haunted by the memories of a private instructor. What if it goes badly again? What if I never make it?
It's just the obstacle race all over again. Overcome adversity and obstacles with a smile. I'll certainly never make it if I continue to sit on my rump and worry about what may or may not happen. I need to get back into the air; my body, mind and soul almost require it. And no one is going to come to me and say "Hey, wanna go flying? I'll be your instructor!!"; I have to go out and find him myself. Just like no one ever came to me and said "Hey, wanna run an obstacle race together? I'll help you over the walls". I had to sign-up by myself, make a team out of the people I met there and ask them for help. People are more than willing to help you, but you need to take that first step, you know? I need to contact the woman I spoke with when I was first looking for flight schools. I need to try and work through trying to use a flight computer again.
In actual aviation news, last week at CAP meeting, we had an aerobatic pilot come talk to us. He installed LED lights on his airplane and on the propeller. I think it's a FANTASTIC idea myself... and as did one of my buddies. The others had to tell him that he couldn't install lights on any of the CAP aircraft and asked me to tell him too. I looked at him, smiled and said I'd help him to install them. :)
The aerobatic pilot came to have drinks with us after and I couldn't say a word to him. I kept thinking that if I opened my mouth, something stupid might fall out and I was holding myself back from leaping over the table and hugging him.
This week, I'm back running the radios again. And this time around, I'm not nervous. Well... maybe excitedly nervous. ;)
At the EAA meeting last week, we were discussing more plans for the year and fundraising begins with burger cook-outs. I'm sooo excited and thought about inviting all of my friends out when we started scheduling them. Then talk came up about Young Eagle and Eagle flights, to introduce kids and adults to aviation. The President said we needed coordinators for both of them. He asked for volunteers to only be responded to by crickets. I was idly curious and asked what the position involved. Later in the meeting, he'd say things like "We can schedule these monthly or every other month. It just depends on the coordinator and what SHE wants to do". LOL My fault for asking a question, I suppose... In any case, I'm the new Young Eagle Flight Coordinator.
But I'm honestly excited about it. I get to call schools, scout groups, etc to let them know when we are holding a Young Eagle flight day and get in touch with the airports to schedule them. Plus, I need to round up pilots and on the day of the flights, I get to check everyone in and give them their certificates when they finish. Whenever the group holds Board meetings, I am invited to attend and give feedback. Very cool, yet also kinda surreal... Me - the girl who squeaks and loves cartoons will be sitting on the Board of Directors. The only girl and the youngest one sitting on the Board with all those older guys. Well, hey... if you are gonna stand out, might as well stand up, right?
And speaking of standing up, I've also been busy contacting my representatives in DC about the closure of air traffic control towers, cancellation of air shows and the grounding of the Blue Angels and Thunderbirds. To my utter frustration, they don't seem to be listening. We just need to be louder and get their attention.
Aviation has come to mean so much to me. The best way to show my appreciation for it is to pass on what I have learned and to protect it in any way I can.
It strikes me as odd how similar this is to flying - know your limits and gently push that envelope. If you exceed the performance capabilities of the aircraft, it may be slow to recover or will not recover at all. Perhaps going into the race sick, I wasn't in danger of not finishing - oh no, my will and perseverance are too strong for that. I would have crawled to the finish line if need be. Perhaps the real danger was in recovery. I'm sure recovery is much slower because of the shape I was when I began the race.
Would I do it all again? In a heartbeat. You push your limits, you do the things you never thought you could do... I climbed over an 8 foot wall with the aide of my teammates!!! A skinny girl who is afraid of heights climbed over an 8 foot wall!!! Once you do that, the rest is small stuff... So, as I was saying, you push your own limits, you do things you never thought you could do, you build relationships with people who are racing beside you and you are doing this in the most uncomfortable conditions possible. Most of the time you are wet, cold and muddy. It doesn't really begin to bother you until the end anyways.
I mention all of this because I stopped updating because I was tired of updating about meetings all the time. What I really want to do is update about actual flying. It began to discourage me. I know I need to find a new instructor and a new school... I say money and finding time is the problem, but I also know it's really me. Money is a big factor, don't get me wrong... but not the main reason. I'm scared. I'm haunted by the memories of being at a school before, and I'm haunted by the memories of a private instructor. What if it goes badly again? What if I never make it?
It's just the obstacle race all over again. Overcome adversity and obstacles with a smile. I'll certainly never make it if I continue to sit on my rump and worry about what may or may not happen. I need to get back into the air; my body, mind and soul almost require it. And no one is going to come to me and say "Hey, wanna go flying? I'll be your instructor!!"; I have to go out and find him myself. Just like no one ever came to me and said "Hey, wanna run an obstacle race together? I'll help you over the walls". I had to sign-up by myself, make a team out of the people I met there and ask them for help. People are more than willing to help you, but you need to take that first step, you know? I need to contact the woman I spoke with when I was first looking for flight schools. I need to try and work through trying to use a flight computer again.
In actual aviation news, last week at CAP meeting, we had an aerobatic pilot come talk to us. He installed LED lights on his airplane and on the propeller. I think it's a FANTASTIC idea myself... and as did one of my buddies. The others had to tell him that he couldn't install lights on any of the CAP aircraft and asked me to tell him too. I looked at him, smiled and said I'd help him to install them. :)
The aerobatic pilot came to have drinks with us after and I couldn't say a word to him. I kept thinking that if I opened my mouth, something stupid might fall out and I was holding myself back from leaping over the table and hugging him.
This week, I'm back running the radios again. And this time around, I'm not nervous. Well... maybe excitedly nervous. ;)
At the EAA meeting last week, we were discussing more plans for the year and fundraising begins with burger cook-outs. I'm sooo excited and thought about inviting all of my friends out when we started scheduling them. Then talk came up about Young Eagle and Eagle flights, to introduce kids and adults to aviation. The President said we needed coordinators for both of them. He asked for volunteers to only be responded to by crickets. I was idly curious and asked what the position involved. Later in the meeting, he'd say things like "We can schedule these monthly or every other month. It just depends on the coordinator and what SHE wants to do". LOL My fault for asking a question, I suppose... In any case, I'm the new Young Eagle Flight Coordinator.
But I'm honestly excited about it. I get to call schools, scout groups, etc to let them know when we are holding a Young Eagle flight day and get in touch with the airports to schedule them. Plus, I need to round up pilots and on the day of the flights, I get to check everyone in and give them their certificates when they finish. Whenever the group holds Board meetings, I am invited to attend and give feedback. Very cool, yet also kinda surreal... Me - the girl who squeaks and loves cartoons will be sitting on the Board of Directors. The only girl and the youngest one sitting on the Board with all those older guys. Well, hey... if you are gonna stand out, might as well stand up, right?
And speaking of standing up, I've also been busy contacting my representatives in DC about the closure of air traffic control towers, cancellation of air shows and the grounding of the Blue Angels and Thunderbirds. To my utter frustration, they don't seem to be listening. We just need to be louder and get their attention.
Aviation has come to mean so much to me. The best way to show my appreciation for it is to pass on what I have learned and to protect it in any way I can.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
OCR and Aviation
Short entry tonight. All of my energy is going towards a race I have on Saturday. (Part of my New Year's Resolution to run one road race a month) Now it's not just ANY race either - it's the Spartan Sprint. It's one of the top obstacle course/mud races (OCR) out there (some even say the hardest) and it's also a Bucket List item for me. I am a mixture of excitedly nervous and nervously excited.
I have my outfit ready to go and I have team mates, both experienced and non-experienced willing to help me be as successful as possible. We're put our heads together to think of a checklist of items not to forget for brand-new racers. Although this is my first Spartan, I have run an OCR before - the Run for your Lives 5k.
What does this have to do with aviation? The prep is nearly identical.
-First, make a check-list.
-Gather the items you will need ahead of time. And bring extras, just in case.
-Reach out for advice from those who have experience - they are usually more than willing to help newbies be as successful as possible.
-Help those who are just starting out - I may not be an expert, but I still know more than when I started and can pass on what I have learned.
-Have confidence.
-Use proper ORM (operational risk management) - push my limits, but if I come across an obstacle I don't feel safe doing, move on. Safety first.
During this exercise, I will face obstacles that are unknown to me. I do not know what is coming or when, much like the weather we face as pilots. This race is more mental than physical, which was never more apparent than when the race management made us read a document that stated:
"This race is brutal" and "This race is no joke"
I started to get scared after reading those words and then I remembered that they were just trying to psyche us out. It's a mind game and people I know who have run this before have confirmed it. The last obstacle course I ran was pretty awful and I felt it was as tough as a marathon I once ran. But I made it through. I WILL make it through this one too. After the last one, I loudly proclaimed that I hated these types of races and would never do one again, yet here I am a year later doing it again. If it was really all that brutal, I wouldn't have signed up for another one.
The aviation world is full of obstacles too and are more mental than physical. People seem to have the hardest time on the radios? Not because it's extra hard, but because people get "stage fright" and are hesitant. Once you get over that, it gets easier. Walking into a room full of older guys who are all pilots is quite intimidating and can be quite a daunting obstacle. But again, it's mostly mental. Most of those guys are really nice and more than willing to help. Money can be an obstacle too. I could easily list a hundred more obstacles...
Why? Because LIFE has obstacles. But you wanna know what?
Just know that they are mostly mental road blocks and change your attitude so you are better equipped to handle them.
Madness? Perhaps... However, THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAA! Wish me luck. :) Talk to you guys again after I reach the finish line. Nervously excited is slowly morphing into just excitement now. AROO!!!!
I have my outfit ready to go and I have team mates, both experienced and non-experienced willing to help me be as successful as possible. We're put our heads together to think of a checklist of items not to forget for brand-new racers. Although this is my first Spartan, I have run an OCR before - the Run for your Lives 5k.
What does this have to do with aviation? The prep is nearly identical.
-First, make a check-list.
-Gather the items you will need ahead of time. And bring extras, just in case.
-Reach out for advice from those who have experience - they are usually more than willing to help newbies be as successful as possible.
-Help those who are just starting out - I may not be an expert, but I still know more than when I started and can pass on what I have learned.
-Have confidence.
-Use proper ORM (operational risk management) - push my limits, but if I come across an obstacle I don't feel safe doing, move on. Safety first.
During this exercise, I will face obstacles that are unknown to me. I do not know what is coming or when, much like the weather we face as pilots. This race is more mental than physical, which was never more apparent than when the race management made us read a document that stated:
"This race is brutal" and "This race is no joke"
I started to get scared after reading those words and then I remembered that they were just trying to psyche us out. It's a mind game and people I know who have run this before have confirmed it. The last obstacle course I ran was pretty awful and I felt it was as tough as a marathon I once ran. But I made it through. I WILL make it through this one too. After the last one, I loudly proclaimed that I hated these types of races and would never do one again, yet here I am a year later doing it again. If it was really all that brutal, I wouldn't have signed up for another one.
The aviation world is full of obstacles too and are more mental than physical. People seem to have the hardest time on the radios? Not because it's extra hard, but because people get "stage fright" and are hesitant. Once you get over that, it gets easier. Walking into a room full of older guys who are all pilots is quite intimidating and can be quite a daunting obstacle. But again, it's mostly mental. Most of those guys are really nice and more than willing to help. Money can be an obstacle too. I could easily list a hundred more obstacles...
Why? Because LIFE has obstacles. But you wanna know what?
Just know that they are mostly mental road blocks and change your attitude so you are better equipped to handle them.
Madness? Perhaps... However, THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAA! Wish me luck. :) Talk to you guys again after I reach the finish line. Nervously excited is slowly morphing into just excitement now. AROO!!!!
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