#1 Rule of Aviation - Do what's best for you

It was awards night tonight at CAP. At first, I didn't think much of it, as I haven't been there long, so I didn't think it would really involve me. Never got my beginner awards from the last squadron, but I'm not really too concerned about it.

Also turns out I wasn't on the radios tonight either - that's next week. So excited that I got ahead of myself.

So they get started and the first person gets an award for Airbourne Photography, one of the emergency services qualifications. My heart leaps into my throat. Mission Observer is also an emergency services qualification. I contemplate hiding out in the bathroom. No joke- that really went through my mind. A few of my buddies get recognized for their achievements, so I get distracted and congratulate them. Before I know it, my name is called. I walked up to the front on auto-pilot. They said something about me, something about my achievements, but I didn't register what they said. I walked back to my seat with my new Observer wings.

My eyes filled with tears looking at them. They were beautiful and I've waited so long to have them. So very long... Not only the wings, but the title, the respect, and heck, even the flight suit that went along with the Mission Observer title. The person in charge of the missions and one step closer to Mission Pilot - the whole reason I joined this organization.

But they weren't mine. I still have a lot to learn with the G1000 and I most certainly am in no way, shape or form fit to be in charge of any mission. I'll get there, but I just don't have it yet. I require too much help in the cockpit to feel right about accepting these wings. Each "congratulations" given from my buddies and other members was like a stab to the heart.

After the meeting, I went to one of the guys in charge and told him my concerns. He said that there was a difference in being qualified and being proficient. I was qualified, but the problem I was having was that I didn't feel proficient. Good, glad we understand one another - take these wings back. Not so fast, he said. The regulations state you only must be qualified and then you use training missions and real missions to become proficient. I stated my case and pointed out how when I became a Scanner, I was qualified and proficient. He said that was different. Heck yeah, that's different - Observer carries much more responsibility than Scanner. He said it was a "license to learn", just like the pilot told me. I understand all of that and by all means, I don't intend to stop learning here. But I'm just not proficient enough to be a good member of the flight crew. He told me to talk to the Commander or even the Chaplain, but he wasn't taking the wings back.

I sat and waited on the Commander. They took so long that I nearly gave up and went home. But I knew in the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if I left with those wings.

Finally, they were finished and I went into talk to him. My voice cracked as I told him I didn't deserve the wings. He said I was just nervous about having to perform a real life mission and it was understandable; that we all go through that. And if we don't, then it's time to move on. I guess that may be part of it as well, but I don't think my performance as an Observer is adequate.

With Mission Scanner, I made sure I was so proficient at that role that they could wake me up out of a dead sleep at 2am, and I could still perform flawlessly - blindfolded and with my arms tied behind my back. Not really because you need to be able to see and write as part of the job. I know that the situation will change when it becomes a real mission, which is why I need to make certain that I am without a shadow of a doubt that I am the best I can be at that position. Otherwise I let my flight crew, the people I am trying to save... and myself... down. If I don't know what the hell I'm doing on a clear, calm day, then how am I gonna know what to do when they actually need me? I'll freeze. They'll need to come to my aid, when we should be coming to someone else's aid instead. That's not right and that's not fair.

The commander told me he was really happy I joined this squadron. He reminded me that one of the first things I told him was that I liked how they trained well over here and people worked really hard. He said that told him that I wanted a place to learn and wanted to work hard too. All of the people I've flown with have told him that they loved flying with me. I work hard, ask good questions and everyone just enjoys being around me. I couldn't help but smile at this point. That made me feel good. He said all of the "license to learn" stuff again - yeah I get it, I really do... But that's not good enough for me. He told me to wear the wings proudly and ask some pilots for extra help, if I thought I needed it.

We were at an impasse. I couldn't feel good about walking out with the wings and he wasn't going to accept them back. But we worked something out that made us both happy... and unfortunately, I can't disclose it here. He made me promise not to tell any of the other members and to promise to keep learning.

And learning I shall keep doing. One of my pilot buddies needs an excuse to fly and I need to fly to train more. I'll email him in the morning and see if he wants to go flying again.