Letting Go

Letting go (even temporarily) of something you love is one of the most painful things you can ever imagine. I've been through quite a number of things that hurt physically and I tell you the emotional pains hurt 100x worse. All you can do is pray to whatever god(s) you pray to, hope with every fiber of your heart, body & soul and do everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) in your power to chase what you love to the very ends of the Earth and beyond.

Afterall, how can I afford not to?

One of the most important things about being a pilot is having sound judgement and knowing that YOU are number one. It doesn't matter what your instructor or what the tower says - if YOU don't feel safe and comfortable, then that is what ultimately matters. (Now later on, when you have passengers in the plane, then their comfort becomes your main priority).

Still no word on the window. I stopped by the school on Monday. Still no word as of 2pm. I talked with Obi-Wan and he had me sign a statement about what happened. He said the matter should be settled, but no official word yet. I'm holding out until I get something in writing. Still nothing (besides an "everything should be ok" response) as of 4:42pm today.

I went back and forth all week if I was going to continue at the school. I talked with Obi- Wan on Monday about it and he said it was still pre-20 hour jitters. He also said that Bambi talked about me and said that I got mad whenever I did an average job. She said I was never happy unless I was above average. (Rightly so...) So, Obi-Wan said I had high expectations, so I expected everyone else to measure up to those. (As a flight school, you should, right? I mean... who wants to be known as an "average" flight school?) So I (regrettably) walked away...

I wrestled with the decision all week and finally waited too long, so I had a lesson today. It's hard being torn between loving to flying and hating the school. I think I hesitated so much because I didn't want ANOTHER long break from flying.

My flight was at 9am. On my way there, Tyson texted me: winds were high (they were 8kts when I left), so our flight was delayed until 10. I was over halfway there, so I continued. The airport is one of my favorite places. I just sat and watched the planes for a bit. Got some studying in too!

10am rolls around and someone opens the flight school. I walk in, but Tyson hadn't arrived yet. He texted me at 10:05. Told me he had been stuck in traffic for over an hour and would be there when he could. He finally arrived at 10:45. He had another student scheduled at 11am, so we both had our ground lesson together. All the while, we're watching another instructor take his students up. Tyson told us that the other instructor shouldn't be doing that, especially for intro rides.

Tomorrow was supposed to be beautiful though and I once again went back and forth about leaving. I haven't flown in 4 weeks and I really, really wanted to go (really). So it comes time to leave and I resolve to leave after tomorrow's lesson. I make sure we're on the schedule and go to leave. Tyson tells me to wait when I'm on my way out the door. Turns out he has a checkride scheduled at the same time as my lesson and he'll text me tomorrow to see if I'm free in the afternoon.

Now usually, I put aviation first and drop everything else. I had plans with a friend tomorrow (but not at a specific time) and told him I couldn't go in the afternoon. At this point, I told him I needed to talk to him and told him that things weren't working for me. He said he understood and that was it.

I told myself not to cry and tried telling myself I did the right thing on the way home. It worked until I got home and talked to my mom. I cried like I had lost my best friend. She told me that she was proud of me and that I had done the right thing. She said it was a good judgement call on my part and I was looking out for me. I tried to think of it that way, but my heart just feels so heavy. I'm sure later I will appreciate it - just for right now, I am not very happy. I know that school wasn't right for me, and I know the instructors weren't right for me, but I know that flying IS right for me. It's just so hard to walk away from something you love with all of your soul, even for a second.

It comforts me somewhat that at least I have a plan in mind. (At least a general plan, anyways) In addition to finding a new flight school, I think I need to bury my nose into my flight books and get the written test out of the way and REALLY push that pedal to the metal. Give myself a deadline or something to push myself. Then, I have 3 flight schools in mind. I need to get together all of my old questions, add new questions I have and really drill those schools HARD. Then find the one I like the most, find an instructor and drill them HARD (I feel sooo sorry for the next instructor! haha

I was thinking of going next weekend to check out some schools, but my mom suggested that maybe I stop by tomorrow. It might be better to catch them off-guard and if in the case they are too busy, then to schedule a meeting then. And I need to call the person in charge of the nearby Civil Air Patrol to see if I can drop by this week. I'm NOT giving up. This is mine - I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Aviation is apart of me.

It's odd. I started by a mild interest in aviation. Then I went to thinking that maybe I could walk away after my intro flight and only be mildly sad. Now I've been disappointed by the majority of my experience thus far, yet resolved that this "letting go" will NOT turn into walking away completely. Funny how having a mere "mild interest" will do that to you...