Radioactive

I was excitedly nervous all of yesterday in anticipation of my first official night on the radios at the CAP meeting. As the day progressed, I became more and more hyper.

I also began to think how my buddies would all congratulate me for the new Observer rating and a knot began to form in my stomach. I emailed the pilot I flew with, thanked him for his time and said that I didn't want to insult him, but that I just didn't feel comfortable accepting the rating yet. One of the hardest emails I've ever had to write. Everyone here knows how much I want that rating and it caused my emotions to conflict to nearly have it in my grasp, only to hand it back. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn't tell them I wasn't ready for it. Like I told the pilot (and think I wrote here), I'd rather be an asset rather than a liability.

With both of these issues at the forefront of my mind, I went to the meeting early to set up everything on the radios. One of my buddies had already set everything up for me and tested it. I licked my lips nervously and focused on the radio room.

The pilot I flew with found me and asked to talk with me. The knot in my stomach tightened. Not now, dude, I gotta get mentally prepped for the radios. He said he respected my opinion that I didn't think I deserved the rating, but how he wouldn't have signed me off if he didn't think I could do it. Unfortunately, this squadron already recognized it. However, it wasn't on the website yet officially and I didn't have the wings printed on my shirt yet. So what we were going to do is take a few more flights (at my expense, but that's okay) to get me ready to my liking and before any potential real missions come up. He said he didn't know why I didn't think I was ready - that he had flown with people who have had their ratings for years and I did much better than any of them. So he told me not to worry and we'd work on it.

Good - one task down. I refocused on the radio room and walked in alone, which momentarily caused me to freeze. One deep breath, and I silently reminded myself that someone was going to sit with me. I wasn't going to be alone. I can do this. I can do this.

Another member arrived. My ears perked up at hearing her say, "Communications". I poked my head out and asked if she was running comm too. She looked more nervous than I did and said she was just here to train, but didn't know about it. I laughed, and told her it was my first night on the radios. What a team, huh? Fortunately, the main guy showed up and sat in the back, ready to jump in if I needed it.

We got out the script and I asked questions before going live. My eyes kept nervously flicking to the clock and the sound of each second ticking by was deafening. Finally, 7:15 - show time.

I hit the button and followed along on the script, silently reminding myself to try to go slow (and not to suck all of the air out of the room). Reading the script was easy. It got more complicated when people would call back in. I turned to the main guy on more than one occasion - "What do I say to that?!?!". LOL I was feverishly writing down what they told me too. After awhile, he said that it may help to have the other woman training to write down everything and I just handle the radios. He said we should switch off too and she shook her head with a firm "NUH-UH!". haha

Now, basically all I'm doing is setting up so other stations can call and check in. Usually we run one of these on our meeting nights and we have to check in to the other two. Well, I hit the lottery and I had to set up 3 check-in sessions! The guy watching me said it was a hard night to be scheduled on, although I thought that having 3 was good practice even if it seemed like a lot. I got more and more comfortable with each session.

At one point, he tells me that I don't need to worry so much about terminology and be so formal all the time; I can also be friendly by saying "hello" or "good evening" too. So I threw a couple of those in. By the time I was doing the 3rd time through, I felt like a radio DJ by adding inflection so it didn't sound like I was just reading and being friendly to everyone else on the channel.

A few stumbles, a few messing up on terminology, but not too bad.

I wrapped up by checking into a repeater, which was pretty easy and that was it - I was done! I was feeling pretty good about everything when the guy (who didn't have to lift a finger during my time on the radios) says to me that I did a really good job! He said that he's never seen anyone do so well on their first time (Thank you to Auntie for showing me the ropes a few weeks ago!)  and how I felt more comfortable as time went on. The other woman training with me said I sounded clear & smooth, spoke neither too fast nor too slow, had good volume, and was articulate. BOO. YAH.

Walking out of the radio room absolutely on Cloud Niner (haha), I couldn't wait to celebrate with everyone. It was quite a big deal for me. I was smiling ear to ear and greeted everyone enthusiastically. Once again though, I was pulled aside from one of the higher ups. Oh no, here we go... are we gonna rehash the Observer thing again? Please don't tell me I'm wrong...

No, he didn't want to talk about that. Apparently someone told him that another member was going after me and telling me he'd put me on a 'no-fly' list. Umm, that's news to me. He was concerned that the other guy was picking on me. I told him that it wasn't the case and the other member had been nothing but nice to me. He looked puzzled, but thanked me for my time and let me go. Seems they have lots of problems with this other member and even though I said everything was cool, they took him aside and basically gave him a "Don't you dare harm a hair on her head or tell her she can't fly or you are gone" speech. I felt a little bad, as nothing like that happened. Although makes me wonder if maybe it was said behind my back? I don't know...  However, it was kind of nice that I had people looking out for me, I guess.

So we went out for drinks after again and it was good to spend time with me. As cool as working on the radios was, it keeps you isolated from everyone else for a little bit.

On the way home, I turned up every dance song I heard and cruised all the way home. Nothing like doing well on something that once made you nervous. I'm still riding my high today and tried explaining my happiness to my co-workers, but they just don't seem to understand it. I can't wait until I go on the radios again!!! <3