Rise

So I lost my clarity after posting the other day. Merlin would not leave me alone and it felt like they were using me to get back at this other guy who confronted me at the air show.

I'm just getting over being sick from all the stress. It's stupid, I know... and I shouldn't let them get to me. But after the initial incident, they just made it worse for me. My mom asked if I regretted what I did - writing them emails about what happened - and I said no. I did the right thing, but what I regret it those guys using me to get the other guy out. They were thrilled when it happened to a young female. This guy has a history of blowing up at people, but never a young female before. The next higher up person is also female, so they are hoping this will sway her more. Shameful. You idiots are no better than he is. At least he's honest enough to yell at someone to their face and not use them behind their back.

I forgot to mention before - I have a song that whenever it plays on the radio, something good happens. It's a song from the 90's; it rarely plays. I heard it on the way home from the air show and started to cry. "WHAT GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME OUT OF THIS???", I screamed out loud. I'm still haven't lost faith though. Something good WILL happen out of it... although it may take longer than I would like.

In other happier news, I have two flight experiences tomorrow! Not really... but enough to make me happy. One I have advance free tickets to a new movie, Flight, with Denzel Washington that I'll be seeing with R2.




And two, I get to dress up tomorrow at work to announce the Halloween party for the students. My costume has to do with flying and is a little bit of a pun. Plus, I had to make some elements of it and it's completely original. Not telling what it is yet (it's a surprise!), but I'll give one last hint - it's also one of the items on my bucket list...sort of! ;)

Stayed tuned for pictures!

Clarity

It's amazing how a night of sleep and the onset of a new day can make everything look brighter.

I'm in much better spirits than last night. I went to bed and listened to music on my IPod for a little bit. One of the last things I pictured was everything I loved about Oshkosh. I pictured myself there, snuggling into my sleeping bag in my tent, underneath the clear, starlit sky.

I had hoped to dream of the Spirit of Oshkosh and have her tell me that it was okay to come home now, but I didn't. Instead, I awoke with the thought of how my behavior wasn't befitting an Oshkoshian. That didn't mean the commander had an excuse for acting the way he did, but I didn't need to react that way. It was Oshkoshian to not fire back at him to his face and just walk away, but the getting angry/yelling afterwards was not. Even though his actions appeared to be directed at me personally, they were not personal. Even if he intended them as such, they were not personal. Therefore, I should not have allowed myself to get angry. I should not have allowed him to ruin an air show, or the remainder of my day.

Besides, I have way too much studying to do... ;)

Silly boys, airplanes are for girls

The Paulding air show was today. I figured it would be good for me to get out and enjoy the last air show of the year, even though I was still grumbly. Actually, this morning I woke up sad, as I dreamed about airplanes last night. I wished for every part of my being that things were different. But wishes aren't reality unfortunately.

None of my friends could go to the air show, so I was going solo today. No biggie. I do it all the time. I've got my chair, got my aviator's - I'm happy.  I found a nice spot near the flight line and after a bit, I got up to walk around. A nice aerobatic performance started, so I grabbed some food and returned to my seat.

I heard my name called as I was about to sit down and one of the CAP members I was friendly with, happened to be sitting next to my chair.  We watched the show together and then left when it was over. He mentioned how other people from our squadron were here also.

I started one last walk around before they closed up the air show. Lo and behold, one of the first groups I ran into were the CAP guys. I recognized one guy from some of the meetings, said hello, shook his hand, and asked how he liked the show. The commander of the squadron was there too and turned around at our exchange. I said hello to him and shook his hand as well.

"Aren't you ever going to return to the squadron?", he suddenly asked angrily.

Where the hell did that come from?!?! I'm actually planning to transfer, but told myself I wouldn't discuss this here. We're at an air show, for god's sakes, and surrounded by other senior members and cadets. Have some decorum, man.

So I offer a noncommittal "maybe".  I don't want to discuss this at the air show, especially in front of so many people. I like to think I have class and manners... unlike my "friend".

Then he goes crazy and launches into about how our Wednesday meetings aren't sanctioned and we need to attend actual CAP meetings once a month or we'll be grounded. So we can choose to be grounded or transfer. Besides, we were wearing CAP uniforms at the meetings and it wasn't a CAP event, blah blah.

I didn't know what to say. There's a hundred different things I could say that I'll say here, but there's no way I'm saying them with cadets and other members staring me down. I said "okay", said a polite goodbye and left.

First, Merlin got permission for those meetings. Second, don't give me an ultimatum; you won't like what I choose. Third, I'm an adult, don't talk to me like that. Fourth, we're at an air show; don't bring this crap up here, especially in front of people. Fifth, you want people to come to your meetings? Don't make them a waste of my time. Sixth, we aren't wearing uniforms there. Sometimes some members have a flight just beforehand. Seventh, I was at your meetings about 2 weeks ago.

Air shows are like my church. It's sacrilegious to have confrontations at them. Don't piss me off at a place/event I love so much. Obvious the "commander" isn't an Oshkoshian. Altercations at an air show would be taboo for them. So he successfully made an air show - one of my favorite things in the world - a horrible experience. I know I shouldn't let him get under my skin, but he did.

I was shaking after the incident. Mostly from rage. I nearly turned around to give him a piece of my mind, but just decided to walk away. Cadets were surrounding him and he wasn't worth it, honestly.

I paced around like an angry tigress. What could I do? I texted Merlin. Not optimal, but the only option I had. Stupid CAP. Didn't want to call him because I was seconds away from yelling or crying, but he called me. He told me to write everything in an email to him  and he'd contact the person above him. I'd like to write him myself, in addition to Merlin and I think I'm going to anyways. There's no excuse for this type of behavior, especially from a 60+ year old man, as the commander is. Why don't you communicate with people to find out why they aren't coming and try to fix it rather than threatening them? Grow up and learn how to communicate. As one friend once said - it's sad when a girl who sleeps with stuffed animals and likes cartoons, like me, is the most mature person in the room.

CAP looks so good from the outside. Why can't you boys play nice? Why do you have to be like this? I was so angry earlier that I was letting out strings of cuss words I never say. Now they are just breaking my heart. I miss Oshkosh. I want to go home. Home, where everyone respect each other and got along.

Merlin says I'm grounded anyways until this is solved. He says I'm too stressed out and people can't fly when going through that much stress. You fool - I said I wanted to be left alone for 2 weeks, I said I wanted to stay away from CAP!!! Instead of being caught in the middle, I'm now their target. Leave me alone, all of you. I'm sick of it. I have studying to do and videos to watch. Go play your little boy game somewhere else - I've got too much to do.

Merlin called, said they'd start things tonight and let me know in the morning. I don't think I'll sleep much tonight. I hate CAP so so very much right now. Why - you who brought me so much joy. Why??  I hate that it bleeds over into aviation. How can something good be so bad? Why do you boys not realize that it's fake?? It's not your personal game and those titles that you let go to your head are FAKE!!!!!! It's supposed to be fun dammit! Why do you not realize that??

Geez... I should have kept walking at that air show, kept my head down and hoped they didn't see me. Anyways, I'm off to bed. Hoping to get a good night's sleep to make me feel better. Maybe things will look up in the morning.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't wish ill will towards anyone, but I hope the commander gets his ass handed to him. He deserves it.

Crushed

I need to stop reading past entries. They are depressing me a little. Hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was excitedly writing about how much I loved CAP and to have a complete 180 now. Surely something I once loved so much can be restored to that same amount, right? Right now, it's currently on life support. Shame of how things turn out that way.

If it was what it looked like on paper and what it appeared to be at first, then it'd be wonderful. But the squabbling... the power trips...the pettiness...and the immaturity. It wears ya down after awhile. I didn't mention here, but I went back to one meeting a couple of weeks ago. There were 6 of us there: 3 presenters... and 3 members, including myself. The commander griped about the lack of attendance, but what are you going to do? I could have taught the material and it took an hour when it was supposed to have taken 2. IMHO, I felt like it wasted my time; I could have been home studying. So I haven't been back since. This week's was about G1000 safety. That'd take 15 minutes to go through... with questions.

I've pretty much decided to transfer squadrons. One of my buddies plans to transfer too, so at least I won't be alone.

Holding Short

Hold short: An instruction given by the ATC (Air Traffic Control) to the pilot, telling him to remain at the taxiway/runway threshold (usually because of other traffic in the area) and to wait until further instructed.

In last week's meeting, Merlin brought an aviation trivia game called "Hold Short". We had fun playing... or at least I did. There were 4 of us total. There were different levels with different levels of questions, based on your rating.

The boys started fighting over whose turn it was because they forgot. Seriously, the scene at the table was:

"It was my turn!"
"No, mine!"
"No, MINE!"

Silly boys. Aviation is for girls. But we had fun and I started enjoying the meetings again. Merlin told the others what a great job I did on the Gx60.

My training hit a complete stop after this, due to financial and medical reasons. Merlin wasn't happy and morphed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde - "Do you want to be a pilot or are you just a thrill-seeker??", he told me angrily over the phone. He asked if I had given up. I was confused, nothing I had done recently indicated this. Sure, I have moments... but none recently.

I was so taken aback and wasn't sure what to say. I wrote a respectful email later, and said how I could be both a pilot and a thrill-seeker. I had spent the majority of the weekend inside, during beautiful weather, because I knew I had to make sacrifices in order to do this. Actually, I was feeling pretty good about my progress that past weekend... until the phone call from Darth Merlin.

So in the email, I told him that his attitude wasn't helping and outlined everything I had accomplished that weekend. I asked him to believe in me - that I really needed to do that for myself, but it would really help if he believed in me too.

I didn't want to go to the next meeting and found myself relieved that no meeting reminder came through my email. I messaged him - no response. I figured he must have been pissed about my response to him. 5pm - still no response, so I figured I was free. I got on my running clothes to run out of my frustrations.

I literally had one foot out the door when he texted me and said to meet in 20 minutes. I was furious. Learn to respect my time. I texted back, saying how I'm at least 30 minutes away. He doesn't reply. I waste so much time waiting for a reply that it would get dark out before I could finish my run. I was cutting it close as it was when I had one foot out the door. I grumbled, thinking he'd be upset if I didn't go and I really couldn't make it before it got dark, so I changed my clothes to regular ones and went to the meeting. DV Merlin was slowly becoming DB Merlin.

At the meeting, he did the unthinkable - he apologized in front of everyone. He told them that he thought I was doing a great job and he did believe in me. The whole meeting was kind of geared towards helping me, so I was happy.

We agreed for me to update him constantly on where I was on the videos and to email him whenever I finished a quiz (with the answers) on tests4pilots.com. He said it would be more productive and he could keep up with my progress more. Done!

I'd watch the videos at night after I got home from work and would stop watching when I got so tired, they didn't sound like they were speaking English anymore. I started taking the tests on my lunch break at work. One test was 10 questions, which he told me I needed to do more because the actual test was 60 questions. I had only gotten 15 minutes for lunch that day, so chose a shorter test. He was satisfied. I began getting feedback like "Excellent!" or "This is fantastic!" or "Good job!". Things were good.

I went to the meeting last night. Got in a run before the meeting and was quite happy to be able to fit all of my activities in. Life is good. The topics for the meeting were more geared towards the pilots, but I can still listen and learn. The meeting ended with Merlin asking how I was progressing in my studies. I was confused, but laughed and said he knew because I constantly updated him.

DV Merlin comes out and says I'm not working hard enough, as I haven't sent him a test I've taken in over a week. Actually, it was 5 days. I was too busy for lunch at work on Friday, I was out all weekend with my friends, too busy for lunch on Monday and too exhausted on Tuesday, so I took a nap. Granted perhaps I shouldn't have spent alllllll weekend out and maybe I can scale back on facebook to fit in some more study time. Still, I was taken aback from him praising me behind closed doors and berating me in front of everyone.

So the last flight we took, there was something wrong with the plane. Just an engine cylinder temp gauge - nothing critical and he was able to fix it. Even still, I asked if we should squawk (report) it anyways, just in case? He says we should, but people get upset at him if he does, so I asked if I should do it and he said no. He reported it and nothing happened. I asked a bit later if it had ever been fixed and once again, he said no. He said he didn't like having people upset at him, but was pleased that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Last night at the meeting, he brings it up... but it still hasn't been fixed. He says he wants to show me the emails to prove he has reported it and that no one has replied to him about it. So he shows me the email and it says that I keep bugging him about it and its making him uncomfortable. This was the last straw - telling me one thing to my face and then saying another in front of others or when my back is turned is not cool.

I wrote him another email when I got home, saying I needed to suspend all CAP activities for the next two weeks. I needed to think about things. I'm tired of being treated like a yo-yo.

So, two weeks. I already think I know what I'm going to do. Doesn't make it any easier though.

In other, happier news - just heard the flight school I trained with is closing their doors at that location. Makes me feel better about the decision to leave them. See? Everything does happen for a reason and karma DOES work! :)

And there's a new movie with Denzel Washington coming out soon called "Flight". I have two free tickets to see an advanced screening of it next week, so R2 and are going to see it!

WGP and Wings over North GA

Merlin and I went flying last week in the Maule. I love this aircraft - nothing but plexiglass and fabrics. It moves differently than other airplanes and you can see more out of it. We went up at night and I felt absolutely no reservations about this night flight... then again, I wasn't in the driver's seat either. We went up to work on MO stuff for CAP. The Maule had the Gx60 system, which is like the Gx55, but with a communications unit attached. Similar, yet different.

We practiced on the sim on his computer before going up, so I felt much better about everything. Once I got into the plane, I didn't know everything 100% but there was definitely a marked improvement.

Merlin actually had a good tactic - he said he was a dopey pilot and I needed to tell him everything to do. I had set up our course and he was completely off of it, flying all over the map and up and down. I was fearing we'd have a repeat of the time I nearly lost my cookies in the plane and said "Well, for one, fly straight and level. I can't figure this out with you flying like that". He thought that was funny and said "ok, done". Much easier to focus and find things... although I did like the porpoising.

I found the course we needed to be on and which direction, but we were 4 miles out and I was heading parallel to where I needed to be. Ok, easy enough - turn right... But no, no that's not it either because now we're going in a circle. OH! How about turn right and head 30 degrees off course to where we needed to be so we meet our desired course! Booyah - got it!

The next day, we had our aircrew meeting and I had to show everyone what I did through the simulator. I had the knowledge from just working on it the night before and the confidence from that. Also I had a friend tell me that I had a confidence problem. She said I needed to act like the WGP.

"Act like a what?"

"WGP - World's Greatest Pilot"

I laughed. "I'm only a student. Besides, other pilots have told me that you become dangerous if you think like that and they'll think I'm crazy if I act like that."

"I said act like it, don't act on it. Go into that room believing you are."

She actually made a lot of sense. Good idea!

So I went into that meeting room with all of that in my head. When I started feeling intimidated by them, I thought: "I'm the WGP, why am I intimidated?" and stopped being such. I sat up straighter and stopped answering their questions with unsure-sounding answers. I took out the question mark from my answers and put in a firm confident period. Even when I was wrong, I answered the question with conviction as though I was confident in my answers.

It worked. I was answering their questions right and left... and actually even corrected them sometimes. Not in a know-it-all or rude sort of way. Caused Merlin to stop and blink a few times and say "Oh yeah... yeah you are right". So overall it was a pretty good night. I couldn't believe it actually worked to change my thinking like that! Well... I guess I did... I've learned that kind of positive thinking before and how it really changes stuff. Guess it helped that I just reviewed all of that stuff in the plane though too.

This past weekend was the Wings over North Georgia air show in Rome, GA. My first since Oshkosh.

I got to talk to a female F-18 pilot for about 5 minutes!!! She's my age too and it was kinda cool because that was the airport she soloed out of when she was 16. I asked if she flew in the show and she said no, that she was just flying the "spare" F-18 out and then back again. So I asked if there was another spare F-18 I could have. lol

Then there was the Jelly Belly plane in which the pilot went up to 6,000ft and shut off the engine. He did an entire aerobatic routine with no engine. It was really eerie to hear no sound and as he got closer, you could see that the propeller was stationary. There was a guy standing on the runway and it was the pilot's goal to land and give the guy on the runway a high-5. He accomplished his goal and stopped right when he gave the other guy a high-5. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!

Then, then, then!!! The Canadian Snowbirds flew!! I saw them at my first airshow at Dobbins. They were fabulous. One of the pilots had to land early because he hit a bird. Later, they were signing autographs (I have a poster signed by all of them now!! SQUEEE!!!!) and they said the same pilot hit a bird the previous day as well. Ironically, his call-sign was "Bird". haha

It was a fantastic day. I'm sooo in my element at airshows. Made me a little homesick for Oshkosh again.