Radioactive

I was excitedly nervous all of yesterday in anticipation of my first official night on the radios at the CAP meeting. As the day progressed, I became more and more hyper.

I also began to think how my buddies would all congratulate me for the new Observer rating and a knot began to form in my stomach. I emailed the pilot I flew with, thanked him for his time and said that I didn't want to insult him, but that I just didn't feel comfortable accepting the rating yet. One of the hardest emails I've ever had to write. Everyone here knows how much I want that rating and it caused my emotions to conflict to nearly have it in my grasp, only to hand it back. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn't tell them I wasn't ready for it. Like I told the pilot (and think I wrote here), I'd rather be an asset rather than a liability.

With both of these issues at the forefront of my mind, I went to the meeting early to set up everything on the radios. One of my buddies had already set everything up for me and tested it. I licked my lips nervously and focused on the radio room.

The pilot I flew with found me and asked to talk with me. The knot in my stomach tightened. Not now, dude, I gotta get mentally prepped for the radios. He said he respected my opinion that I didn't think I deserved the rating, but how he wouldn't have signed me off if he didn't think I could do it. Unfortunately, this squadron already recognized it. However, it wasn't on the website yet officially and I didn't have the wings printed on my shirt yet. So what we were going to do is take a few more flights (at my expense, but that's okay) to get me ready to my liking and before any potential real missions come up. He said he didn't know why I didn't think I was ready - that he had flown with people who have had their ratings for years and I did much better than any of them. So he told me not to worry and we'd work on it.

Good - one task down. I refocused on the radio room and walked in alone, which momentarily caused me to freeze. One deep breath, and I silently reminded myself that someone was going to sit with me. I wasn't going to be alone. I can do this. I can do this.

Another member arrived. My ears perked up at hearing her say, "Communications". I poked my head out and asked if she was running comm too. She looked more nervous than I did and said she was just here to train, but didn't know about it. I laughed, and told her it was my first night on the radios. What a team, huh? Fortunately, the main guy showed up and sat in the back, ready to jump in if I needed it.

We got out the script and I asked questions before going live. My eyes kept nervously flicking to the clock and the sound of each second ticking by was deafening. Finally, 7:15 - show time.

I hit the button and followed along on the script, silently reminding myself to try to go slow (and not to suck all of the air out of the room). Reading the script was easy. It got more complicated when people would call back in. I turned to the main guy on more than one occasion - "What do I say to that?!?!". LOL I was feverishly writing down what they told me too. After awhile, he said that it may help to have the other woman training to write down everything and I just handle the radios. He said we should switch off too and she shook her head with a firm "NUH-UH!". haha

Now, basically all I'm doing is setting up so other stations can call and check in. Usually we run one of these on our meeting nights and we have to check in to the other two. Well, I hit the lottery and I had to set up 3 check-in sessions! The guy watching me said it was a hard night to be scheduled on, although I thought that having 3 was good practice even if it seemed like a lot. I got more and more comfortable with each session.

At one point, he tells me that I don't need to worry so much about terminology and be so formal all the time; I can also be friendly by saying "hello" or "good evening" too. So I threw a couple of those in. By the time I was doing the 3rd time through, I felt like a radio DJ by adding inflection so it didn't sound like I was just reading and being friendly to everyone else on the channel.

A few stumbles, a few messing up on terminology, but not too bad.

I wrapped up by checking into a repeater, which was pretty easy and that was it - I was done! I was feeling pretty good about everything when the guy (who didn't have to lift a finger during my time on the radios) says to me that I did a really good job! He said that he's never seen anyone do so well on their first time (Thank you to Auntie for showing me the ropes a few weeks ago!)  and how I felt more comfortable as time went on. The other woman training with me said I sounded clear & smooth, spoke neither too fast nor too slow, had good volume, and was articulate. BOO. YAH.

Walking out of the radio room absolutely on Cloud Niner (haha), I couldn't wait to celebrate with everyone. It was quite a big deal for me. I was smiling ear to ear and greeted everyone enthusiastically. Once again though, I was pulled aside from one of the higher ups. Oh no, here we go... are we gonna rehash the Observer thing again? Please don't tell me I'm wrong...

No, he didn't want to talk about that. Apparently someone told him that another member was going after me and telling me he'd put me on a 'no-fly' list. Umm, that's news to me. He was concerned that the other guy was picking on me. I told him that it wasn't the case and the other member had been nothing but nice to me. He looked puzzled, but thanked me for my time and let me go. Seems they have lots of problems with this other member and even though I said everything was cool, they took him aside and basically gave him a "Don't you dare harm a hair on her head or tell her she can't fly or you are gone" speech. I felt a little bad, as nothing like that happened. Although makes me wonder if maybe it was said behind my back? I don't know...  However, it was kind of nice that I had people looking out for me, I guess.

So we went out for drinks after again and it was good to spend time with me. As cool as working on the radios was, it keeps you isolated from everyone else for a little bit.

On the way home, I turned up every dance song I heard and cruised all the way home. Nothing like doing well on something that once made you nervous. I'm still riding my high today and tried explaining my happiness to my co-workers, but they just don't seem to understand it. I can't wait until I go on the radios again!!! <3

The PDK SAREX

Today was an overall great day. I arrived at the SAREX (search & rescue exercise) bright and early. Everyone was happy to see me. I even ran into an old buddy from my last squadron.

The objective was to show me as much as possible, including flight crew stuff AND mission based stuff. I always wanted to be trained in both - the more skills the better, amirite? But Merlin never wanted me to as he thought it took away from my main task. The qualifications to be Mission Base Assistant are minimal, and I could actually get those done while I'm sitting waiting on a flight. Only one or two teams go up at a time and if I just so happen not to be on one of those teams at a particular time, then why not try to make things run as smoothly on the ground as possible, too? I help them out and I'm not just bored, sitting there like a bump on a log = win/win.

So from the get-go, I'm suddenly popular and everyone wants me to come with them so they can teach me something new. Awesomesauce.

The mission today was power-off. Meaning something occurred and there was no power, no cell phones and we had to get creative with the radios. A group went out to the far side of the runway to set up a make-shift tower. They said if you weren't busy to come join them and it was like putting together legos. I made a mental note to join them if I wasn't in one of the first flight crews called up.

I wasn't... but I was called away to do safety checks on the plane. Usually a Mission Pilot job, but since that's my ultimate goal, they figured it was time well spent. Also, it's a good thing to know for Mission Observer.

Winds were high today, sometimes gusting to 30 knots! I walked down the flight line, trying to not fly away myself and saw a variety of planes - jets, military jets, and biplanes. I smiled and sighed happily; I <3 PDK. We've been separated far too long, my friend.

Another member and I start doing safety checks on one of the planes that will be flown today. Halfway through, someone else walks out to find me - I've been called for a flight crew. They need a Mission Observer who can operate the G1000. Now hold on, guys... let's not get hasty... I know of the G1000 and have flown in planes with it before, but I'm not proficient... Besides, it's been like 2 months since I've done ANY Mission Observer training and I'm shaky at best... Can't I ride as Mission Scanner to watch the Observer?

No Mission Scanner on this flight and the pilot supposedly doesn't know the G1000 well and needs help. Holy crap, I'm certainly not the person you need then...

Alarm bells go off in my head. I look at the pilot I'm suppose to fly with and my legs buckle - the familiar feeling that happens when I don't trust the person enough to fly with them. Wind reports are coming in left and right - 20 knot crosswind and we're not supposed to go up higher than 15 knots, and that's even a high threshold. I sigh with relief - they are going to call it. Thank god. The pilot has packed up his things and is ready to go - wait, what? No no no no... "Well, if they wind is coming from 090, then we'll go on the other runway."  So in the plane we go.

Traffic was insane at the airport and we had to wait 30 minutes before takeoff. The line ahead of us included a Cirrus, a Gulfstream, a Piper, a Cessna and a Biplane. During run-up, the engine cylinder temp gauge was running high and when the pilot tested the magnetos, the left one ran really rough. He said we might have to turn back if he can't get it to smooth out and messed with it by leaning out the mixture to run out all of the carbon. We were sitting there awhile for take-off and he was able to get it running smoothly.

We took off and everything was fine. I kicked myself for flying in an airplane where I didn't feel safe and the alarm bells went off in my head, but I guess it was just nerves and lack of confidence from all the crap before. How are you supposed to tell the difference?!?!

Anyways, we had this 60 lb thing in the back seat that I had to help hook up and activate from the front panel with all the other gadgets I have to operate. It was called a "Repeater" and it helped broadcast a signal all across the state, even to Tennessee if we were high enough. If power goes out and communications are down, this device helps radio communications. Basically, our plane was acting like a big antenna in the sky. We had to go up to 5,500 ft and just fly in circles. Once we got everything set up, there wasn't much to do but look out at the pretty scenery (Lake Lanier!) and just listen on the radio. I communicated with them at first, but after, they didn't need us much at all. I could hear them over the radio and monitored them. At one point, they couldn't hear each other and I could just hear the ground communications. They told me after that I should have tried to relay between the other plane and the ground, but I didn't even know how to go about doing that if no one could hear the other plane. I guess you'd agree on another frequency with the other plane ahead of time or something. It's okay - they said that's why they run this exercise; to find out what you need to work on before a real emergency.

Seemed a little boring to fly around in circles and just monitor the radio waves. I wanted to look out the window for targets. But this is considered one of the most important because everyone is relying on you to communicate. Another plane came into the grid later and we had to switch off. Timing had to be perfect in order to do it and we did it successfully.

By the way, all the communications between the ground and our plane had to be done by me. The pilot was on one frequency with ATC (Air Traffic Control) and then when we left the airport, he was on another frequency with Flight Following, because the traffic was so busy and they helped us keep an eye out for them. There was no way he could be on the ground frequency, too, so it was all me. In fact, he couldn't hear what they were saying to me and what I was saying to them. We had to split it because it would be too distracting to him.

I still heard Merlin's voice in my head - "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?!?!" and my fingers moved all over panel. The pilot seemed content on doing his own stuff on his panel, but I asked him what I could help him set up anyways. Merlin always said it was the pilot's job to fly the plane and the Observer had to set up everything else.

Best part about the flight? Gaining confidence to go back in a plane again. Not to mention, I have a few more tasks signed off for my rating, too.

I got back and talked with my buddy from the previous squadron. He asked what I was up to these days and I went into it a little bit, but not much. Told him I was thinking of transferring. He asked about flight training and I laughed sadly, saying I was on a "break". He seemed to clue in after that and knew who my instructor had been. He asked me about my experience and I said "I take the 5th". haha He thought that was funny, but I said I didn't want to say anything bad, but... *shrug*. He understood. Then he said that Merlin was a "nice guy, a great pilot and really smart, but his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality just ruins it". I've never heard it put better than that. Very, very true. He said he heard some rumors about him and without elaborating, asked me if I was okay. I got what he was alluding to and Merlin never hurt me *that* way... I became sad again. Why are you like that, Merlin?? When things were great, they were awesome. Before I left for Oshkosh, you were like a brother to me. And after... you just became so jealous with Oshkosh and aerobatics... I wish things were different. We could have had so much fun flying together.

But the sucker punch came when he said: "Good thing for Georgia that he's gone, right?".

You could have pushed me over with a feather. Gone??? What do you mean 'gone'??  Apparently, he just disappeared a few weeks ago. Just POOF! gone. His online record started listing a squadron in North Carolina as his new home base. Gone, just like that...  I'm stunned; I don't know what to think. I'm numb, actually. I guess I'm an idiot, but I had a scenario in my head that he came to me to apologize and we talked everything out like that heart-to-heart we had before. It took some work, but we were able to patch things up and he fixed his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde complex, so we were able to fly together again. And then all of the animals joined hands while singing "Kumbayah". Yeah... too bad this isn't a Disney movie, right?

I'm sure it's because I never actually got closure and that's what I'm looking for. Now it's pretty much a certainty that I won't get it... at least from him. I'll have to do that on my own.

Wish today didn't end on a really sucky note because it was great overall. I still have a few more tasks I need to get signed off for my rating of Mission Observer. I need to be in a plane that has a VOR and DME (VHF Omnidirectional Range and Distance Measuring Equipment), which our plane didn't have today. Also need to set up a few more searches that weren't called for in today's simulated mission. And that's all. The only reason that I didn't get completely signed off today was that we didn't have the equipment available or the searches I needed weren't needed. That's all. So that's a pretty good feeling. My old squadron is having a SAREX on December 1st and 2nd. Considering Merlin's gone, I may check to see if the Commander is gone too. If so, I may join them just to get everything signed off.

Debating on trying to trudge through some more videos on weather tonight or to just crash early...

The PDK CAP Meeting

I'm happy to say that tonight's meeting was a success! :)

The meeting started off with promoting members that obtained a new ranking, then announcements about how they were setting up a rotating schedule about who was on call for missions and placing members in aircrew teams, then a safety briefing (a REAL one!) and then the main presentation was a guest speaker who was the head of the police safety division to talk about safety/preparedness.

All of that only took about an hour and they operated like a well-oiled machine. About 30 members were there; two being women. They still had rankings and such, but there a few guys in leadership roles and they all worked together. The main commander of the group gave the talk on safety, based on his experiences in the military.

A couple of things I took away from his talk (which were very timely, I might add):

1) If you EVER don't feel safe enough to go in an airplane...for whatever reason, trust that reason and politely say no. They will understand.

2) Another one had to do with leaving the last squadron I was in and I don't remember how... guh, I'm tired! But something that made me smile and think how I made the right decision.

The guest speaker was neat too. He mentioned how everyone needed to be prepared for an emergency and especially people my age were really unprepared because they never thought anything could happen to them and weren't prepared for it.

I recognized some guys from past SAREX's and from air shows. I stayed after to meet the people I had been emailing and other people wanted to meet me too. My last squadron, mostly everyone ignored me, although some would say hi... and only one really took an interest in me... and we all know how that turned out.

Mostly everyone here wanted to shake my hand and talk with me. I shook one guy's hand and sort of recognized him. I asked if he was at a SAREX I was apart of and he answered that he was... and other events we had been too together and he knew of me very well. I helped put away some chairs and one of the guys who got promoted started talking with me. They all went out for drinks after the meetings and he invited me to come with. I declined, not being the drinking type and was just visiting the squadron anyways. He insisted, so I spent the next hour hanging out with them and chatting. The commander even joined in. He said they were friends outside the squadron too because they worked so hard together inside the squadron.

At the table, they kept telling each other to try and recruit me harder. Then we finished the evening with shaking hands and "I hope you stay", "So you are staying right?", "Come back soon!", "Please consider joining, we'll have so much fun!", etc...

In the last squadron, I was all gung-ho about joining from the get-go and no one really said that to me. Pleasantries were exchanged, but no begging for me to join. It was basically "you'll either join or you won't" sort of attitude. Once I remember, Merlin chased a new guy out. Told him that if he was already set on staying, then there was really no need for him to stay during the meeting. He should only stay during that particular meeting if he wasn't sure about staying. That's not very welcoming.

I told them I'd definitely come back and I will. But I sat around that table, watching them all have fun... and I did join in a little, but I'm still a little shy at this stage... and I remember how much fun I had with the people I met at my last squadron and started missing them a little. The commander says they are all like family and it looks like it. I still can't help having reservations.

They are running a SAREX this weekend and invited me to join. I haven't trained as Observer in a looong time. Probably since the last SAREX my squadron had, actually. A month ago? Two months ago? I don't know...

I hesitated and told them how I hadn't trained as an Observer for quite some time and had forgotten a lot of it. They said that's why they constantly train and that's what this exercise is for. I'm just used to Merlin telling me I had to be 1000% proficient before doing something like this or I'd embarrass him.

There are some CFI's in this squadron and they all let me know that they'd train me (outside of CAP) at a reduced rate or even free. All I had to do was tell them I was looking for a CFI. I hate it, but I'm not quite ready. I'd like to study on my own for a little bit more. Maybe I'm a little shell-shocked still, who knows...

Oh yeah... that's another thing I learned tonight - not aviation related, but missing someone(s) doesn't mean you want to go back or want them back. It's just that - missing someone. Maybe missing a time that person represented. And it's okay to miss them, to miss that time... just as long as you aren't looking back and trying to move forward.

OH! Now I remember the 2nd thing he brought up during the safety briefing. I knew I'd remember if I just started typing and tried not to remember it - It's okay to fall sometimes and it's perfectly okay to fail. The more times you fall and fail only indicate your willingness to try. After failing/falling, mourn for a little bit/take some time off if you have to, but get right back up again and try again. I thought it was very timely for now.

In one of my favorite movies of all time, Angels in the Outfield (1994 version), there's a line that Danny Glover says:

"You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down."

So here's to letting in the new and saying goodbye to the old. I'll go to another meeting or two, talk with the commander (perhaps asking pointe blank if there's any drama) and consider going to the SAREX this weekend. They seem nice, well-organized and well worth my time. I'm really glad this meeting went well. Really, really glad.