The PDK SAREX

Today was an overall great day. I arrived at the SAREX (search & rescue exercise) bright and early. Everyone was happy to see me. I even ran into an old buddy from my last squadron.

The objective was to show me as much as possible, including flight crew stuff AND mission based stuff. I always wanted to be trained in both - the more skills the better, amirite? But Merlin never wanted me to as he thought it took away from my main task. The qualifications to be Mission Base Assistant are minimal, and I could actually get those done while I'm sitting waiting on a flight. Only one or two teams go up at a time and if I just so happen not to be on one of those teams at a particular time, then why not try to make things run as smoothly on the ground as possible, too? I help them out and I'm not just bored, sitting there like a bump on a log = win/win.

So from the get-go, I'm suddenly popular and everyone wants me to come with them so they can teach me something new. Awesomesauce.

The mission today was power-off. Meaning something occurred and there was no power, no cell phones and we had to get creative with the radios. A group went out to the far side of the runway to set up a make-shift tower. They said if you weren't busy to come join them and it was like putting together legos. I made a mental note to join them if I wasn't in one of the first flight crews called up.

I wasn't... but I was called away to do safety checks on the plane. Usually a Mission Pilot job, but since that's my ultimate goal, they figured it was time well spent. Also, it's a good thing to know for Mission Observer.

Winds were high today, sometimes gusting to 30 knots! I walked down the flight line, trying to not fly away myself and saw a variety of planes - jets, military jets, and biplanes. I smiled and sighed happily; I <3 PDK. We've been separated far too long, my friend.

Another member and I start doing safety checks on one of the planes that will be flown today. Halfway through, someone else walks out to find me - I've been called for a flight crew. They need a Mission Observer who can operate the G1000. Now hold on, guys... let's not get hasty... I know of the G1000 and have flown in planes with it before, but I'm not proficient... Besides, it's been like 2 months since I've done ANY Mission Observer training and I'm shaky at best... Can't I ride as Mission Scanner to watch the Observer?

No Mission Scanner on this flight and the pilot supposedly doesn't know the G1000 well and needs help. Holy crap, I'm certainly not the person you need then...

Alarm bells go off in my head. I look at the pilot I'm suppose to fly with and my legs buckle - the familiar feeling that happens when I don't trust the person enough to fly with them. Wind reports are coming in left and right - 20 knot crosswind and we're not supposed to go up higher than 15 knots, and that's even a high threshold. I sigh with relief - they are going to call it. Thank god. The pilot has packed up his things and is ready to go - wait, what? No no no no... "Well, if they wind is coming from 090, then we'll go on the other runway."  So in the plane we go.

Traffic was insane at the airport and we had to wait 30 minutes before takeoff. The line ahead of us included a Cirrus, a Gulfstream, a Piper, a Cessna and a Biplane. During run-up, the engine cylinder temp gauge was running high and when the pilot tested the magnetos, the left one ran really rough. He said we might have to turn back if he can't get it to smooth out and messed with it by leaning out the mixture to run out all of the carbon. We were sitting there awhile for take-off and he was able to get it running smoothly.

We took off and everything was fine. I kicked myself for flying in an airplane where I didn't feel safe and the alarm bells went off in my head, but I guess it was just nerves and lack of confidence from all the crap before. How are you supposed to tell the difference?!?!

Anyways, we had this 60 lb thing in the back seat that I had to help hook up and activate from the front panel with all the other gadgets I have to operate. It was called a "Repeater" and it helped broadcast a signal all across the state, even to Tennessee if we were high enough. If power goes out and communications are down, this device helps radio communications. Basically, our plane was acting like a big antenna in the sky. We had to go up to 5,500 ft and just fly in circles. Once we got everything set up, there wasn't much to do but look out at the pretty scenery (Lake Lanier!) and just listen on the radio. I communicated with them at first, but after, they didn't need us much at all. I could hear them over the radio and monitored them. At one point, they couldn't hear each other and I could just hear the ground communications. They told me after that I should have tried to relay between the other plane and the ground, but I didn't even know how to go about doing that if no one could hear the other plane. I guess you'd agree on another frequency with the other plane ahead of time or something. It's okay - they said that's why they run this exercise; to find out what you need to work on before a real emergency.

Seemed a little boring to fly around in circles and just monitor the radio waves. I wanted to look out the window for targets. But this is considered one of the most important because everyone is relying on you to communicate. Another plane came into the grid later and we had to switch off. Timing had to be perfect in order to do it and we did it successfully.

By the way, all the communications between the ground and our plane had to be done by me. The pilot was on one frequency with ATC (Air Traffic Control) and then when we left the airport, he was on another frequency with Flight Following, because the traffic was so busy and they helped us keep an eye out for them. There was no way he could be on the ground frequency, too, so it was all me. In fact, he couldn't hear what they were saying to me and what I was saying to them. We had to split it because it would be too distracting to him.

I still heard Merlin's voice in my head - "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?!?!" and my fingers moved all over panel. The pilot seemed content on doing his own stuff on his panel, but I asked him what I could help him set up anyways. Merlin always said it was the pilot's job to fly the plane and the Observer had to set up everything else.

Best part about the flight? Gaining confidence to go back in a plane again. Not to mention, I have a few more tasks signed off for my rating, too.

I got back and talked with my buddy from the previous squadron. He asked what I was up to these days and I went into it a little bit, but not much. Told him I was thinking of transferring. He asked about flight training and I laughed sadly, saying I was on a "break". He seemed to clue in after that and knew who my instructor had been. He asked me about my experience and I said "I take the 5th". haha He thought that was funny, but I said I didn't want to say anything bad, but... *shrug*. He understood. Then he said that Merlin was a "nice guy, a great pilot and really smart, but his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality just ruins it". I've never heard it put better than that. Very, very true. He said he heard some rumors about him and without elaborating, asked me if I was okay. I got what he was alluding to and Merlin never hurt me *that* way... I became sad again. Why are you like that, Merlin?? When things were great, they were awesome. Before I left for Oshkosh, you were like a brother to me. And after... you just became so jealous with Oshkosh and aerobatics... I wish things were different. We could have had so much fun flying together.

But the sucker punch came when he said: "Good thing for Georgia that he's gone, right?".

You could have pushed me over with a feather. Gone??? What do you mean 'gone'??  Apparently, he just disappeared a few weeks ago. Just POOF! gone. His online record started listing a squadron in North Carolina as his new home base. Gone, just like that...  I'm stunned; I don't know what to think. I'm numb, actually. I guess I'm an idiot, but I had a scenario in my head that he came to me to apologize and we talked everything out like that heart-to-heart we had before. It took some work, but we were able to patch things up and he fixed his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde complex, so we were able to fly together again. And then all of the animals joined hands while singing "Kumbayah". Yeah... too bad this isn't a Disney movie, right?

I'm sure it's because I never actually got closure and that's what I'm looking for. Now it's pretty much a certainty that I won't get it... at least from him. I'll have to do that on my own.

Wish today didn't end on a really sucky note because it was great overall. I still have a few more tasks I need to get signed off for my rating of Mission Observer. I need to be in a plane that has a VOR and DME (VHF Omnidirectional Range and Distance Measuring Equipment), which our plane didn't have today. Also need to set up a few more searches that weren't called for in today's simulated mission. And that's all. The only reason that I didn't get completely signed off today was that we didn't have the equipment available or the searches I needed weren't needed. That's all. So that's a pretty good feeling. My old squadron is having a SAREX on December 1st and 2nd. Considering Merlin's gone, I may check to see if the Commander is gone too. If so, I may join them just to get everything signed off.

Debating on trying to trudge through some more videos on weather tonight or to just crash early...

Disappointment

I set up a meeting with Merlin to talk with him. This direction we are heading is not good. I felt much more comfortable writing it all out and sending it to him, but wanted to do it face to face. He agreed and wanted to go over some more G1000 stuff.

Ok, fair enough. I get the nonsense out of the way and we continue as normal.

He was setting things up when I arrived and we got an in-flight guide printed for me for the Mission Observer training. Then we launched into a review of yesterday's material before I could say a word. Rather before I could get up the courage to say a word. Fine, I'll wait until after. Might be less awkward that way if things go awry.

We review everything from yesterday and I'm knocking those questions out of the park. Merlin drills me HARD and I'm not saying I answered everything correctly, but 90% easily. Maybe that's why he likes to get me mad - I get a certain "grrr I'm gonna show you" attitude and show those questions no mercy. It does drive me a little... but hey, so does joy & enthusiasm.

At one point, he taunts me - "Giving up now, are we?"
"I don't give up", I growled in response.
"Good", he said. "Don't give up on me and I won't give up on you".  Odd response. I'm sure he knew why I wanted to meet.

There's a SAREX (Search & Rescue Exercise) next weekend. I didn't want to sign up at first because it was CAP stuff. I'm still studying all of that, but I've been staying away from meetings. Merlin asked me to sign up and said none of the people causing drama would be there. He neglected to mention himself, but a lot of my buddies were signing up too, so I did. The closer it's getting, the more I'm realizing I'm not ready. I expressed my reservations to Merlin today. He said if I pulled out, it would be a slap in the face to him because he's spent so much time on me.

I thought later that I wish I could have been quick enough to say: "Oh no, I wouldn't want to do that and didn't mean that at all. That'd be like telling someone they cheated on their black belt test."

He said maybe I'd feel more comfortable flying with him, rather than someone I didn't know. Hell no, my reluctance to go to SAREX is because I don't want to be yelled by him in the plane. I want to walk away feeling accomplished and not beaten down. Like last time, I flew with two guys I didn't know and they said I was awesome. I came down from that flight with such a rush and was bouncing around like crazy. We all had been out all day, in 100+ degree temps, with no lunch and everyone was exhausted. I was the only person bouncing around, begging for another flight.

Merlin asked if someone had said something to me the last time that made me lose confidence. "No, those guys were fantastic. I had a great experience last time". It's not them; it's you.

When time was finished, I opened my mouth to say what I came to say... and his wife was behind me to pick him up. I didn't feel right saying it in front of her and closed my mouth.

I wish I could say I hate myself for not being able to say anything to him... and I know I made excuses for not doing so. Worst part is that I'm disappointed in myself. That's 100x worse than hating oneself.  I wish I could be assertive.

On the plus side, remember the pilot I told you about from yesterday? He's a C130 navigator. We got chatting yesterday and he's super nice. Most of the people in CAP seem really serious in meetings, but when you get one-on-one with them in the plane, they are much different. The C130 is my 2nd favorite plane, so it was pretty cool to be able to talk with him especially. I remembered today the respect he had in his eyes when he spoke to me. That really means a lot, you know? A guy in the AF, who navigates the C130 and whom I really respect... respects me, a baby pilot, in return. That makes me feel warm fuzzy allllllllll over!  When we left, he said he wanted to be informed of how my flight training was going and wanted to know if I'd make it or not. Merlin said he'd make sure I'd make it.

No Spirit of Oshkosh in my dreams last night to tell me what to do this time. Mom and some flight buddies say it's time to pull the plug on Merlin. I still haven't regained all of the confidence that I lost from giving my last flight instructor the pink slip and one flight buddy said no one else would have continued in flight training after what I went though. It very nearly destroyed me and I'm afraid if it were to happen again, there would be no maybe this time. I think if I could just talk to him and tell him to knock if off, we'd be okay. It's just a matter of being able to do that... which is harder than it seems.

Oh well, so barrelling non-stop towards the SAREX