Radioactive

I was excitedly nervous all of yesterday in anticipation of my first official night on the radios at the CAP meeting. As the day progressed, I became more and more hyper.

I also began to think how my buddies would all congratulate me for the new Observer rating and a knot began to form in my stomach. I emailed the pilot I flew with, thanked him for his time and said that I didn't want to insult him, but that I just didn't feel comfortable accepting the rating yet. One of the hardest emails I've ever had to write. Everyone here knows how much I want that rating and it caused my emotions to conflict to nearly have it in my grasp, only to hand it back. I knew I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn't tell them I wasn't ready for it. Like I told the pilot (and think I wrote here), I'd rather be an asset rather than a liability.

With both of these issues at the forefront of my mind, I went to the meeting early to set up everything on the radios. One of my buddies had already set everything up for me and tested it. I licked my lips nervously and focused on the radio room.

The pilot I flew with found me and asked to talk with me. The knot in my stomach tightened. Not now, dude, I gotta get mentally prepped for the radios. He said he respected my opinion that I didn't think I deserved the rating, but how he wouldn't have signed me off if he didn't think I could do it. Unfortunately, this squadron already recognized it. However, it wasn't on the website yet officially and I didn't have the wings printed on my shirt yet. So what we were going to do is take a few more flights (at my expense, but that's okay) to get me ready to my liking and before any potential real missions come up. He said he didn't know why I didn't think I was ready - that he had flown with people who have had their ratings for years and I did much better than any of them. So he told me not to worry and we'd work on it.

Good - one task down. I refocused on the radio room and walked in alone, which momentarily caused me to freeze. One deep breath, and I silently reminded myself that someone was going to sit with me. I wasn't going to be alone. I can do this. I can do this.

Another member arrived. My ears perked up at hearing her say, "Communications". I poked my head out and asked if she was running comm too. She looked more nervous than I did and said she was just here to train, but didn't know about it. I laughed, and told her it was my first night on the radios. What a team, huh? Fortunately, the main guy showed up and sat in the back, ready to jump in if I needed it.

We got out the script and I asked questions before going live. My eyes kept nervously flicking to the clock and the sound of each second ticking by was deafening. Finally, 7:15 - show time.

I hit the button and followed along on the script, silently reminding myself to try to go slow (and not to suck all of the air out of the room). Reading the script was easy. It got more complicated when people would call back in. I turned to the main guy on more than one occasion - "What do I say to that?!?!". LOL I was feverishly writing down what they told me too. After awhile, he said that it may help to have the other woman training to write down everything and I just handle the radios. He said we should switch off too and she shook her head with a firm "NUH-UH!". haha

Now, basically all I'm doing is setting up so other stations can call and check in. Usually we run one of these on our meeting nights and we have to check in to the other two. Well, I hit the lottery and I had to set up 3 check-in sessions! The guy watching me said it was a hard night to be scheduled on, although I thought that having 3 was good practice even if it seemed like a lot. I got more and more comfortable with each session.

At one point, he tells me that I don't need to worry so much about terminology and be so formal all the time; I can also be friendly by saying "hello" or "good evening" too. So I threw a couple of those in. By the time I was doing the 3rd time through, I felt like a radio DJ by adding inflection so it didn't sound like I was just reading and being friendly to everyone else on the channel.

A few stumbles, a few messing up on terminology, but not too bad.

I wrapped up by checking into a repeater, which was pretty easy and that was it - I was done! I was feeling pretty good about everything when the guy (who didn't have to lift a finger during my time on the radios) says to me that I did a really good job! He said that he's never seen anyone do so well on their first time (Thank you to Auntie for showing me the ropes a few weeks ago!)  and how I felt more comfortable as time went on. The other woman training with me said I sounded clear & smooth, spoke neither too fast nor too slow, had good volume, and was articulate. BOO. YAH.

Walking out of the radio room absolutely on Cloud Niner (haha), I couldn't wait to celebrate with everyone. It was quite a big deal for me. I was smiling ear to ear and greeted everyone enthusiastically. Once again though, I was pulled aside from one of the higher ups. Oh no, here we go... are we gonna rehash the Observer thing again? Please don't tell me I'm wrong...

No, he didn't want to talk about that. Apparently someone told him that another member was going after me and telling me he'd put me on a 'no-fly' list. Umm, that's news to me. He was concerned that the other guy was picking on me. I told him that it wasn't the case and the other member had been nothing but nice to me. He looked puzzled, but thanked me for my time and let me go. Seems they have lots of problems with this other member and even though I said everything was cool, they took him aside and basically gave him a "Don't you dare harm a hair on her head or tell her she can't fly or you are gone" speech. I felt a little bad, as nothing like that happened. Although makes me wonder if maybe it was said behind my back? I don't know...  However, it was kind of nice that I had people looking out for me, I guess.

So we went out for drinks after again and it was good to spend time with me. As cool as working on the radios was, it keeps you isolated from everyone else for a little bit.

On the way home, I turned up every dance song I heard and cruised all the way home. Nothing like doing well on something that once made you nervous. I'm still riding my high today and tried explaining my happiness to my co-workers, but they just don't seem to understand it. I can't wait until I go on the radios again!!! <3

CHECKPOINT!

Checkpoint - landmark on a cross country flight to help gauge direction, timing and fuel.

A minor, yet important, accomplishment was achieved this evening-  I COMPLETED ALL 25 HOURS AND 6 MINUTES OF THE KING FLIGHT TRAINING VIDEOS!!!

It honestly didn't sink in right away and I was more excited to have one hour of video remaining last night. Then as I fixed my leftover turkey dinner, I began to think about it more and more... and started dancing like a goober in my kitchen with Nikki watching me and with my slipper socks on. It's a great feeling and I'm going to bask in it as long as possible.

But bask doesn't mean relax. I'm hitting the Jeppesen book tomorrow and work towards another minor yet important checkpoint in the near future.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

In a galaxy far, far away...

Guess who just finished the Officer Basic Course? THIS GIRL!!!!!!!   20 days, 3 modules, and about 40 lessons. Not as big as passing my written with flying colors, but am still pretty stoked. :)

I've been training and studying like a demon lately and it's been going pretty well. Even considering my computer died at home (motherboard went out) and I've got a little chest cold, complete with cough and laryngitis. Pretty good to stay on top of everything (studying & physical training), especially with losing a computer and not feeling 100%. On a related note, if updates are more sparse than normal, lack of computer is why. I hope to have that remedied this weekend though (can't live w/o my computer!).

Merlin and I had 3 hr ground school study session together Saturday evening. Overall, I'd say it was productive, for the most part. Still a little mad over some things that were said, but oddly enough, the night before, I had a dream about the whole situation:

I had had enough. In the last two weeks, my car had broken down and my computer had just broken down. There were many days that I just wanted to walk out at work because I was frustrated and even CAP wasn't fun anymore. So I just took off - back to WI. Hopped into the car and didn't look back. Of course my car couldn't handle the journey, so it broke down on the way there. I didn't care - I was going to make it there any way possible, so I got out of the car and walked the rest of the way there.

The sun was rising when I arrived. It was the most beautiful site I had ever seen. I was tired and exhausted, but I had finally made it back to my paradise. I fell to my knees and kissed the ground.

"What are you doing here?", came a voice behind me.

I turned around to see a Mother-type figure, dressed like a Grecian Goddess, shimmering in the sun. I knew instantly she was the Spirit of Oshkosh. Really she might have been WI, Oshkosh and Madison combined, as I called her "Madison". A Goddess-type, in any case. Her tone wasn't accusatory; more one of disbelief. I ran to her and hugged her fiercely, as tears ran down both of our cheeks.

"Don't get me wrong, I AM happy to see you, my daughter, but it is not your time to come back here yet. Why are you here?", she continued as she returned my intense hug.

I began to explain to her how homesick I've been and how everything had been going wrong since I returned to Atlanta. My home - my true home- was Oshkosh and I was never leaving again.

She took my face in her hands and looked deeply into my eyes. "I know how hard it is to miss someone you love; I've missed you for 30 years", she smiled sadly. "But you know that your place is in Atlanta, not here. I wouldn't have sent you back if I didn't think you could handle it. You must go back."

I shook my head like a little kid about to have a tantrum and said "No! I won't go back. My place is here, with you", and I started to cry. I stopped mid-sob and remembered something, which made me smile triumphantly. "Besides, I can't go back. My car broke down on the way here."

She smiled sadly. "I've already called for someone to take you home".

My mouth dropped open, searching her eyes... wondering how could she have--?

And that's when I heard the elevator ding behind me. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. We were outside at beautiful Oshkosh Airport, so the ding of an elevator sounded very ominous to me. It shouldn't have had a place there. She gazes towards the elevator and I follow her gaze. The elevator isn't apart of Oshkosh; it's the Death Star. The doors open... and Darth Vader walks out with two of the Emperor's guards.

I turn back to her with horror. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I WON'T GO WITH HIM!!"

She looks as me with pained eyes, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear in a motherly gesture. "You have to".

Darth walks up closer, but stops a few feet away still keeping his distance. He watches the whole scene impassively and doesn't say a word. The sound of his breathing is the only sound.

"BUT HE HATES ME!!!", I scream. Then giving him the most deadly glare I can muster, my voice falls to a whisper as I continue talking to the spirit, while looking at him, "And he hates you". I want her to realize the person he really is. Darth doesn't react at all and just continues breathing evenly, as though we both know who is going to win this battle.

Madison only laughs and hugs me, "My dear, you confuse hate with jealousy. He doesn't hate either of us". In true mother fashion, she turns my face around gently to look into my eyes. "No one who hates you would come all this way just to take you back home."

I looked out of the corner of my eye to gauge his reaction. Nothing. I looked back as Madison continued: "He is my child too, just like you, and that makes him your brother. Believe me, I wouldn't send you back with him if it wasn't what was best for you. "

She hugged me tightly once again, whispering "Time to go". I nodded and the tears started to flow again. She looked over the top of my head, directly at Darth as she hugged me and said, "This girl is very, very precious to me. Watch over her."

He nodded once without a word and turned in one quick movement to walk back to the elevator. He didn't hold out his hand to me or even look back to see if I was following. Madison released me and I fell in step on his left side.

~*~

I think this dream comes from a friend relating my aviation life to Star Wars. In any case, it helped a little and I was able to go to the study session with a smile on my face. It helped me understand my waking like a little bit better and helped me see it from a different POV - "evil" DV goes a long distance to bring back his sister who ran away, dispite being all "tough love" and stuff... and she's being a whiny brat, refusing to go back with him. It must have hurt even though he might not have reacted to the conversation, but it didn't mean he wasn't listening and it didn't affect him. Maybe DV isn't "evil"; just misunderstood.


On a semi-related note, being a Star Wars fan my entire life, it just now occurred to me that DV and Luke were both pilots. LOL

The following night after I had the dream, I swore I heard DV's breathing as I fell to sleep. It was strangely comforting and unnerving at the same time.

So far this week, I've completed a section in my textbook each night! Booyah! I'm feeling sooo warm fuzzy by everything I've been accomplishing lately and am on top of the world! Onwards and upwards!!