The PDK SAREX

Today was an overall great day. I arrived at the SAREX (search & rescue exercise) bright and early. Everyone was happy to see me. I even ran into an old buddy from my last squadron.

The objective was to show me as much as possible, including flight crew stuff AND mission based stuff. I always wanted to be trained in both - the more skills the better, amirite? But Merlin never wanted me to as he thought it took away from my main task. The qualifications to be Mission Base Assistant are minimal, and I could actually get those done while I'm sitting waiting on a flight. Only one or two teams go up at a time and if I just so happen not to be on one of those teams at a particular time, then why not try to make things run as smoothly on the ground as possible, too? I help them out and I'm not just bored, sitting there like a bump on a log = win/win.

So from the get-go, I'm suddenly popular and everyone wants me to come with them so they can teach me something new. Awesomesauce.

The mission today was power-off. Meaning something occurred and there was no power, no cell phones and we had to get creative with the radios. A group went out to the far side of the runway to set up a make-shift tower. They said if you weren't busy to come join them and it was like putting together legos. I made a mental note to join them if I wasn't in one of the first flight crews called up.

I wasn't... but I was called away to do safety checks on the plane. Usually a Mission Pilot job, but since that's my ultimate goal, they figured it was time well spent. Also, it's a good thing to know for Mission Observer.

Winds were high today, sometimes gusting to 30 knots! I walked down the flight line, trying to not fly away myself and saw a variety of planes - jets, military jets, and biplanes. I smiled and sighed happily; I <3 PDK. We've been separated far too long, my friend.

Another member and I start doing safety checks on one of the planes that will be flown today. Halfway through, someone else walks out to find me - I've been called for a flight crew. They need a Mission Observer who can operate the G1000. Now hold on, guys... let's not get hasty... I know of the G1000 and have flown in planes with it before, but I'm not proficient... Besides, it's been like 2 months since I've done ANY Mission Observer training and I'm shaky at best... Can't I ride as Mission Scanner to watch the Observer?

No Mission Scanner on this flight and the pilot supposedly doesn't know the G1000 well and needs help. Holy crap, I'm certainly not the person you need then...

Alarm bells go off in my head. I look at the pilot I'm suppose to fly with and my legs buckle - the familiar feeling that happens when I don't trust the person enough to fly with them. Wind reports are coming in left and right - 20 knot crosswind and we're not supposed to go up higher than 15 knots, and that's even a high threshold. I sigh with relief - they are going to call it. Thank god. The pilot has packed up his things and is ready to go - wait, what? No no no no... "Well, if they wind is coming from 090, then we'll go on the other runway."  So in the plane we go.

Traffic was insane at the airport and we had to wait 30 minutes before takeoff. The line ahead of us included a Cirrus, a Gulfstream, a Piper, a Cessna and a Biplane. During run-up, the engine cylinder temp gauge was running high and when the pilot tested the magnetos, the left one ran really rough. He said we might have to turn back if he can't get it to smooth out and messed with it by leaning out the mixture to run out all of the carbon. We were sitting there awhile for take-off and he was able to get it running smoothly.

We took off and everything was fine. I kicked myself for flying in an airplane where I didn't feel safe and the alarm bells went off in my head, but I guess it was just nerves and lack of confidence from all the crap before. How are you supposed to tell the difference?!?!

Anyways, we had this 60 lb thing in the back seat that I had to help hook up and activate from the front panel with all the other gadgets I have to operate. It was called a "Repeater" and it helped broadcast a signal all across the state, even to Tennessee if we were high enough. If power goes out and communications are down, this device helps radio communications. Basically, our plane was acting like a big antenna in the sky. We had to go up to 5,500 ft and just fly in circles. Once we got everything set up, there wasn't much to do but look out at the pretty scenery (Lake Lanier!) and just listen on the radio. I communicated with them at first, but after, they didn't need us much at all. I could hear them over the radio and monitored them. At one point, they couldn't hear each other and I could just hear the ground communications. They told me after that I should have tried to relay between the other plane and the ground, but I didn't even know how to go about doing that if no one could hear the other plane. I guess you'd agree on another frequency with the other plane ahead of time or something. It's okay - they said that's why they run this exercise; to find out what you need to work on before a real emergency.

Seemed a little boring to fly around in circles and just monitor the radio waves. I wanted to look out the window for targets. But this is considered one of the most important because everyone is relying on you to communicate. Another plane came into the grid later and we had to switch off. Timing had to be perfect in order to do it and we did it successfully.

By the way, all the communications between the ground and our plane had to be done by me. The pilot was on one frequency with ATC (Air Traffic Control) and then when we left the airport, he was on another frequency with Flight Following, because the traffic was so busy and they helped us keep an eye out for them. There was no way he could be on the ground frequency, too, so it was all me. In fact, he couldn't hear what they were saying to me and what I was saying to them. We had to split it because it would be too distracting to him.

I still heard Merlin's voice in my head - "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?!?!" and my fingers moved all over panel. The pilot seemed content on doing his own stuff on his panel, but I asked him what I could help him set up anyways. Merlin always said it was the pilot's job to fly the plane and the Observer had to set up everything else.

Best part about the flight? Gaining confidence to go back in a plane again. Not to mention, I have a few more tasks signed off for my rating, too.

I got back and talked with my buddy from the previous squadron. He asked what I was up to these days and I went into it a little bit, but not much. Told him I was thinking of transferring. He asked about flight training and I laughed sadly, saying I was on a "break". He seemed to clue in after that and knew who my instructor had been. He asked me about my experience and I said "I take the 5th". haha He thought that was funny, but I said I didn't want to say anything bad, but... *shrug*. He understood. Then he said that Merlin was a "nice guy, a great pilot and really smart, but his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality just ruins it". I've never heard it put better than that. Very, very true. He said he heard some rumors about him and without elaborating, asked me if I was okay. I got what he was alluding to and Merlin never hurt me *that* way... I became sad again. Why are you like that, Merlin?? When things were great, they were awesome. Before I left for Oshkosh, you were like a brother to me. And after... you just became so jealous with Oshkosh and aerobatics... I wish things were different. We could have had so much fun flying together.

But the sucker punch came when he said: "Good thing for Georgia that he's gone, right?".

You could have pushed me over with a feather. Gone??? What do you mean 'gone'??  Apparently, he just disappeared a few weeks ago. Just POOF! gone. His online record started listing a squadron in North Carolina as his new home base. Gone, just like that...  I'm stunned; I don't know what to think. I'm numb, actually. I guess I'm an idiot, but I had a scenario in my head that he came to me to apologize and we talked everything out like that heart-to-heart we had before. It took some work, but we were able to patch things up and he fixed his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde complex, so we were able to fly together again. And then all of the animals joined hands while singing "Kumbayah". Yeah... too bad this isn't a Disney movie, right?

I'm sure it's because I never actually got closure and that's what I'm looking for. Now it's pretty much a certainty that I won't get it... at least from him. I'll have to do that on my own.

Wish today didn't end on a really sucky note because it was great overall. I still have a few more tasks I need to get signed off for my rating of Mission Observer. I need to be in a plane that has a VOR and DME (VHF Omnidirectional Range and Distance Measuring Equipment), which our plane didn't have today. Also need to set up a few more searches that weren't called for in today's simulated mission. And that's all. The only reason that I didn't get completely signed off today was that we didn't have the equipment available or the searches I needed weren't needed. That's all. So that's a pretty good feeling. My old squadron is having a SAREX on December 1st and 2nd. Considering Merlin's gone, I may check to see if the Commander is gone too. If so, I may join them just to get everything signed off.

Debating on trying to trudge through some more videos on weather tonight or to just crash early...

Rise

So I lost my clarity after posting the other day. Merlin would not leave me alone and it felt like they were using me to get back at this other guy who confronted me at the air show.

I'm just getting over being sick from all the stress. It's stupid, I know... and I shouldn't let them get to me. But after the initial incident, they just made it worse for me. My mom asked if I regretted what I did - writing them emails about what happened - and I said no. I did the right thing, but what I regret it those guys using me to get the other guy out. They were thrilled when it happened to a young female. This guy has a history of blowing up at people, but never a young female before. The next higher up person is also female, so they are hoping this will sway her more. Shameful. You idiots are no better than he is. At least he's honest enough to yell at someone to their face and not use them behind their back.

I forgot to mention before - I have a song that whenever it plays on the radio, something good happens. It's a song from the 90's; it rarely plays. I heard it on the way home from the air show and started to cry. "WHAT GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME OUT OF THIS???", I screamed out loud. I'm still haven't lost faith though. Something good WILL happen out of it... although it may take longer than I would like.

In other happier news, I have two flight experiences tomorrow! Not really... but enough to make me happy. One I have advance free tickets to a new movie, Flight, with Denzel Washington that I'll be seeing with R2.




And two, I get to dress up tomorrow at work to announce the Halloween party for the students. My costume has to do with flying and is a little bit of a pun. Plus, I had to make some elements of it and it's completely original. Not telling what it is yet (it's a surprise!), but I'll give one last hint - it's also one of the items on my bucket list...sort of! ;)

Stayed tuned for pictures!

Silly boys, airplanes are for girls

The Paulding air show was today. I figured it would be good for me to get out and enjoy the last air show of the year, even though I was still grumbly. Actually, this morning I woke up sad, as I dreamed about airplanes last night. I wished for every part of my being that things were different. But wishes aren't reality unfortunately.

None of my friends could go to the air show, so I was going solo today. No biggie. I do it all the time. I've got my chair, got my aviator's - I'm happy.  I found a nice spot near the flight line and after a bit, I got up to walk around. A nice aerobatic performance started, so I grabbed some food and returned to my seat.

I heard my name called as I was about to sit down and one of the CAP members I was friendly with, happened to be sitting next to my chair.  We watched the show together and then left when it was over. He mentioned how other people from our squadron were here also.

I started one last walk around before they closed up the air show. Lo and behold, one of the first groups I ran into were the CAP guys. I recognized one guy from some of the meetings, said hello, shook his hand, and asked how he liked the show. The commander of the squadron was there too and turned around at our exchange. I said hello to him and shook his hand as well.

"Aren't you ever going to return to the squadron?", he suddenly asked angrily.

Where the hell did that come from?!?! I'm actually planning to transfer, but told myself I wouldn't discuss this here. We're at an air show, for god's sakes, and surrounded by other senior members and cadets. Have some decorum, man.

So I offer a noncommittal "maybe".  I don't want to discuss this at the air show, especially in front of so many people. I like to think I have class and manners... unlike my "friend".

Then he goes crazy and launches into about how our Wednesday meetings aren't sanctioned and we need to attend actual CAP meetings once a month or we'll be grounded. So we can choose to be grounded or transfer. Besides, we were wearing CAP uniforms at the meetings and it wasn't a CAP event, blah blah.

I didn't know what to say. There's a hundred different things I could say that I'll say here, but there's no way I'm saying them with cadets and other members staring me down. I said "okay", said a polite goodbye and left.

First, Merlin got permission for those meetings. Second, don't give me an ultimatum; you won't like what I choose. Third, I'm an adult, don't talk to me like that. Fourth, we're at an air show; don't bring this crap up here, especially in front of people. Fifth, you want people to come to your meetings? Don't make them a waste of my time. Sixth, we aren't wearing uniforms there. Sometimes some members have a flight just beforehand. Seventh, I was at your meetings about 2 weeks ago.

Air shows are like my church. It's sacrilegious to have confrontations at them. Don't piss me off at a place/event I love so much. Obvious the "commander" isn't an Oshkoshian. Altercations at an air show would be taboo for them. So he successfully made an air show - one of my favorite things in the world - a horrible experience. I know I shouldn't let him get under my skin, but he did.

I was shaking after the incident. Mostly from rage. I nearly turned around to give him a piece of my mind, but just decided to walk away. Cadets were surrounding him and he wasn't worth it, honestly.

I paced around like an angry tigress. What could I do? I texted Merlin. Not optimal, but the only option I had. Stupid CAP. Didn't want to call him because I was seconds away from yelling or crying, but he called me. He told me to write everything in an email to him  and he'd contact the person above him. I'd like to write him myself, in addition to Merlin and I think I'm going to anyways. There's no excuse for this type of behavior, especially from a 60+ year old man, as the commander is. Why don't you communicate with people to find out why they aren't coming and try to fix it rather than threatening them? Grow up and learn how to communicate. As one friend once said - it's sad when a girl who sleeps with stuffed animals and likes cartoons, like me, is the most mature person in the room.

CAP looks so good from the outside. Why can't you boys play nice? Why do you have to be like this? I was so angry earlier that I was letting out strings of cuss words I never say. Now they are just breaking my heart. I miss Oshkosh. I want to go home. Home, where everyone respect each other and got along.

Merlin says I'm grounded anyways until this is solved. He says I'm too stressed out and people can't fly when going through that much stress. You fool - I said I wanted to be left alone for 2 weeks, I said I wanted to stay away from CAP!!! Instead of being caught in the middle, I'm now their target. Leave me alone, all of you. I'm sick of it. I have studying to do and videos to watch. Go play your little boy game somewhere else - I've got too much to do.

Merlin called, said they'd start things tonight and let me know in the morning. I don't think I'll sleep much tonight. I hate CAP so so very much right now. Why - you who brought me so much joy. Why??  I hate that it bleeds over into aviation. How can something good be so bad? Why do you boys not realize that it's fake?? It's not your personal game and those titles that you let go to your head are FAKE!!!!!! It's supposed to be fun dammit! Why do you not realize that??

Geez... I should have kept walking at that air show, kept my head down and hoped they didn't see me. Anyways, I'm off to bed. Hoping to get a good night's sleep to make me feel better. Maybe things will look up in the morning.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't wish ill will towards anyone, but I hope the commander gets his ass handed to him. He deserves it.

Holding Short

Hold short: An instruction given by the ATC (Air Traffic Control) to the pilot, telling him to remain at the taxiway/runway threshold (usually because of other traffic in the area) and to wait until further instructed.

In last week's meeting, Merlin brought an aviation trivia game called "Hold Short". We had fun playing... or at least I did. There were 4 of us total. There were different levels with different levels of questions, based on your rating.

The boys started fighting over whose turn it was because they forgot. Seriously, the scene at the table was:

"It was my turn!"
"No, mine!"
"No, MINE!"

Silly boys. Aviation is for girls. But we had fun and I started enjoying the meetings again. Merlin told the others what a great job I did on the Gx60.

My training hit a complete stop after this, due to financial and medical reasons. Merlin wasn't happy and morphed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde - "Do you want to be a pilot or are you just a thrill-seeker??", he told me angrily over the phone. He asked if I had given up. I was confused, nothing I had done recently indicated this. Sure, I have moments... but none recently.

I was so taken aback and wasn't sure what to say. I wrote a respectful email later, and said how I could be both a pilot and a thrill-seeker. I had spent the majority of the weekend inside, during beautiful weather, because I knew I had to make sacrifices in order to do this. Actually, I was feeling pretty good about my progress that past weekend... until the phone call from Darth Merlin.

So in the email, I told him that his attitude wasn't helping and outlined everything I had accomplished that weekend. I asked him to believe in me - that I really needed to do that for myself, but it would really help if he believed in me too.

I didn't want to go to the next meeting and found myself relieved that no meeting reminder came through my email. I messaged him - no response. I figured he must have been pissed about my response to him. 5pm - still no response, so I figured I was free. I got on my running clothes to run out of my frustrations.

I literally had one foot out the door when he texted me and said to meet in 20 minutes. I was furious. Learn to respect my time. I texted back, saying how I'm at least 30 minutes away. He doesn't reply. I waste so much time waiting for a reply that it would get dark out before I could finish my run. I was cutting it close as it was when I had one foot out the door. I grumbled, thinking he'd be upset if I didn't go and I really couldn't make it before it got dark, so I changed my clothes to regular ones and went to the meeting. DV Merlin was slowly becoming DB Merlin.

At the meeting, he did the unthinkable - he apologized in front of everyone. He told them that he thought I was doing a great job and he did believe in me. The whole meeting was kind of geared towards helping me, so I was happy.

We agreed for me to update him constantly on where I was on the videos and to email him whenever I finished a quiz (with the answers) on tests4pilots.com. He said it would be more productive and he could keep up with my progress more. Done!

I'd watch the videos at night after I got home from work and would stop watching when I got so tired, they didn't sound like they were speaking English anymore. I started taking the tests on my lunch break at work. One test was 10 questions, which he told me I needed to do more because the actual test was 60 questions. I had only gotten 15 minutes for lunch that day, so chose a shorter test. He was satisfied. I began getting feedback like "Excellent!" or "This is fantastic!" or "Good job!". Things were good.

I went to the meeting last night. Got in a run before the meeting and was quite happy to be able to fit all of my activities in. Life is good. The topics for the meeting were more geared towards the pilots, but I can still listen and learn. The meeting ended with Merlin asking how I was progressing in my studies. I was confused, but laughed and said he knew because I constantly updated him.

DV Merlin comes out and says I'm not working hard enough, as I haven't sent him a test I've taken in over a week. Actually, it was 5 days. I was too busy for lunch at work on Friday, I was out all weekend with my friends, too busy for lunch on Monday and too exhausted on Tuesday, so I took a nap. Granted perhaps I shouldn't have spent alllllll weekend out and maybe I can scale back on facebook to fit in some more study time. Still, I was taken aback from him praising me behind closed doors and berating me in front of everyone.

So the last flight we took, there was something wrong with the plane. Just an engine cylinder temp gauge - nothing critical and he was able to fix it. Even still, I asked if we should squawk (report) it anyways, just in case? He says we should, but people get upset at him if he does, so I asked if I should do it and he said no. He reported it and nothing happened. I asked a bit later if it had ever been fixed and once again, he said no. He said he didn't like having people upset at him, but was pleased that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Last night at the meeting, he brings it up... but it still hasn't been fixed. He says he wants to show me the emails to prove he has reported it and that no one has replied to him about it. So he shows me the email and it says that I keep bugging him about it and its making him uncomfortable. This was the last straw - telling me one thing to my face and then saying another in front of others or when my back is turned is not cool.

I wrote him another email when I got home, saying I needed to suspend all CAP activities for the next two weeks. I needed to think about things. I'm tired of being treated like a yo-yo.

So, two weeks. I already think I know what I'm going to do. Doesn't make it any easier though.

In other, happier news - just heard the flight school I trained with is closing their doors at that location. Makes me feel better about the decision to leave them. See? Everything does happen for a reason and karma DOES work! :)

And there's a new movie with Denzel Washington coming out soon called "Flight". I have two free tickets to see an advanced screening of it next week, so R2 and are going to see it!

WGP and Wings over North GA

Merlin and I went flying last week in the Maule. I love this aircraft - nothing but plexiglass and fabrics. It moves differently than other airplanes and you can see more out of it. We went up at night and I felt absolutely no reservations about this night flight... then again, I wasn't in the driver's seat either. We went up to work on MO stuff for CAP. The Maule had the Gx60 system, which is like the Gx55, but with a communications unit attached. Similar, yet different.

We practiced on the sim on his computer before going up, so I felt much better about everything. Once I got into the plane, I didn't know everything 100% but there was definitely a marked improvement.

Merlin actually had a good tactic - he said he was a dopey pilot and I needed to tell him everything to do. I had set up our course and he was completely off of it, flying all over the map and up and down. I was fearing we'd have a repeat of the time I nearly lost my cookies in the plane and said "Well, for one, fly straight and level. I can't figure this out with you flying like that". He thought that was funny and said "ok, done". Much easier to focus and find things... although I did like the porpoising.

I found the course we needed to be on and which direction, but we were 4 miles out and I was heading parallel to where I needed to be. Ok, easy enough - turn right... But no, no that's not it either because now we're going in a circle. OH! How about turn right and head 30 degrees off course to where we needed to be so we meet our desired course! Booyah - got it!

The next day, we had our aircrew meeting and I had to show everyone what I did through the simulator. I had the knowledge from just working on it the night before and the confidence from that. Also I had a friend tell me that I had a confidence problem. She said I needed to act like the WGP.

"Act like a what?"

"WGP - World's Greatest Pilot"

I laughed. "I'm only a student. Besides, other pilots have told me that you become dangerous if you think like that and they'll think I'm crazy if I act like that."

"I said act like it, don't act on it. Go into that room believing you are."

She actually made a lot of sense. Good idea!

So I went into that meeting room with all of that in my head. When I started feeling intimidated by them, I thought: "I'm the WGP, why am I intimidated?" and stopped being such. I sat up straighter and stopped answering their questions with unsure-sounding answers. I took out the question mark from my answers and put in a firm confident period. Even when I was wrong, I answered the question with conviction as though I was confident in my answers.

It worked. I was answering their questions right and left... and actually even corrected them sometimes. Not in a know-it-all or rude sort of way. Caused Merlin to stop and blink a few times and say "Oh yeah... yeah you are right". So overall it was a pretty good night. I couldn't believe it actually worked to change my thinking like that! Well... I guess I did... I've learned that kind of positive thinking before and how it really changes stuff. Guess it helped that I just reviewed all of that stuff in the plane though too.

This past weekend was the Wings over North Georgia air show in Rome, GA. My first since Oshkosh.

I got to talk to a female F-18 pilot for about 5 minutes!!! She's my age too and it was kinda cool because that was the airport she soloed out of when she was 16. I asked if she flew in the show and she said no, that she was just flying the "spare" F-18 out and then back again. So I asked if there was another spare F-18 I could have. lol

Then there was the Jelly Belly plane in which the pilot went up to 6,000ft and shut off the engine. He did an entire aerobatic routine with no engine. It was really eerie to hear no sound and as he got closer, you could see that the propeller was stationary. There was a guy standing on the runway and it was the pilot's goal to land and give the guy on the runway a high-5. He accomplished his goal and stopped right when he gave the other guy a high-5. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!

Then, then, then!!! The Canadian Snowbirds flew!! I saw them at my first airshow at Dobbins. They were fabulous. One of the pilots had to land early because he hit a bird. Later, they were signing autographs (I have a poster signed by all of them now!! SQUEEE!!!!) and they said the same pilot hit a bird the previous day as well. Ironically, his call-sign was "Bird". haha

It was a fantastic day. I'm sooo in my element at airshows. Made me a little homesick for Oshkosh again.

Squawk 7700

In the plane, there's a device called the Transponder. You plug in, or squawk, different codes so the ATC (air traffic control) can see you on their radar. There are certain codes you never squawk unless you are in an emergency. 7700 is the code for engine out.

 Had a CAP aircrew meeting last night. An hour before the meeting, Merlin messages me and asks if I want to go flying at night. He asked Monday and I declined, not feeling 100% and wanted to review more stuff. He said it was an "excellent answer" and not to worry. I kicked myself after because it was absolutely beautiful and I was excited to see how flights would go between us after our chat.

So when he asked yesterday, I was over the moon! My energy surged and I had not felt this excited in a very, very long time. Also, in the meeting, we were going to go over a simulated table-top mission and I was going to tell them what to do as the Mission Observer.

I arrive earlier than I thought I would and just am so excited to see everyone. We start the meeting and then launch into the sim. It was going to be a bit different than I thought - 4 pilots all firing off questions at me about what I'm supposed to do. Not comfy. At all. I still don't know a lot of this stuff; I'm still learning and then they start saying stuff like:

"What's the matter? Are you tired? You must be tired."
"Are you nervous or something? Don't be nervous around us."

No, I just don't know any of this. Or have trouble remembering the very little I've learned. Especially with the four of you looking down the table at me like I was a mouse at a lion's dinner table.

So after, Merlin says I've earned it and he was going to take me flying. We adjourned and I happily bounced along. Still a little nervous about flying at night, but I listened to the plane and to the wind, so I was fine. Merlin gave me a good job for being able to take-off, but pfft... you know, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now.

We flew around, looking at all the lights from above. We got to see a marina over at Lake Allatoona and the dam all lit up. Got in a few turns there, too, and Merlin angled the plane up so we could see some of the stars (not many though because it was a bit cloudy). I could recognize more instruments on the G1000 now and I wasn't as afraid to fly at night this time. Merlin got in a few high-angle turns for me and it was just peaceful. Even got a radio call in there. Still not 100% comfortable, but decided it I needed to do it anyways.

I could actually see the airport when we were far away and that surprised him. Actually wanted to attempt landing this time, but he did it. Pooh. :(

So we get back and I'm a lil disappointed about not really being able to do anything and he says there's not much you can do at night. Ok, fair enough, but still disappointed. And still a little smarting from the tribunal earlier at the meeting. But had to give him his credit - he said he took me up "for fun", so I guess it was like an apology flight? I dunno...

He drives me back to my car and we chat for a bit. According to him, the other squadrons look down on ours because people don't perform the way they should. We have too many hot potatoes and he names a few of my friends as being such. He doesn't say I'm one too, but that I should be further along than where I am (mostly talking about mission observer stuff) because of all the time they've spent on me. He didn't want me running around , talking about aviation with other people because if there's something I should know but don't, then it makes him look bad. I totally understand that and it goes both ways. Can't tell you how many airshows or airports I've gone where I mention his name and people say "You fly with HIM???" and say some not so flattering things. If we continue, then our names will be forever tied together and we both have to make sure we don't bring down the name of the other person. "It makes me think I'm a bad instructor and I know I'm not because I've soloed more pilots than anyone at this airport". C'mon now... anyone who has ever taken a statistics class would know that making more solo pilots than anyone doesn't make you good, even if it was true. Maybe you've gone through more students than anyone else. That can result in more solos too.

Anyways, he continues and says most people drop hot potatoes because they don't want that stigma attached to them, but he likes me and won't stop training with me. Ouch. Umm... gee, thanks? What kind ass-backwards compliment was that??? And then he launches into his "You need to study more" speech. I explained to him about the lack of time and I'm doing all I can. How and when am I supposed to watch the videos when you are telling me to look over the G1000 and Mission Observer stuff? I work 40+ hours a week and have other responsibilities.

Others have left like I'm contemplating doing. Merlin got them all staff jobs. He said he'd get me one too, but why would I want to work for an organization that I don't want to volunteer for?

We left and he said he'd message me today. But no messages, no flights, and that's quite alright with me. I came home highly discouraged and low on enthusiasm. I think I need to stay away more than just the Thursday night meetings. It looks like my chat didn't help at all. I didn't really expect it to, as things like that normally don't work, but I still hoped... a little part of me hoped it would.

R2 says it's an abusive relationship I have with him - "There is being tough and then there is always knocking someone down".

I didn't sleep well last night and was in a horrible mood today. It was dangerous having my sleeping bag and tent in my car today; I was about 2.5 seconds from taking off. With my discouragement high and enthusiasm low, I felt like my engine was out again. I lost it after coming back from Oshkosh, got it briefly restarted last week and now it's out again. It's been 7 weeks since I've returned home from Oshkosh. TOO long to still be feeling this way. I can't come back from every flight or every aviation related activity feeling deflated. It'll kill my love for aviation.

I started thinking I might need to talk to a counselor or something. This is ridiculous. Absolutely. Ridiculous.

So I come home mopey after work and settle down to eat dinner. One of my facebook groups for the Spartan 5k race posts this video. It awoke me with a jolt. The engine sputtered to life. It's time to stop being afraid of this race. If those courageous young men could finish that race, then no excuses, I can too. Likewise, I shouldn't be worried about not making it as a pilot if I end up leaving Merlin. Sure, my confidence went down when I left the flight school and sure, it may go down if I leave Merlin. So what??  I won't and I can't let this love for aviation die. There's no way. Screw that little boys' club. I won't give up. I'll just find another squadron if I have to and continue on my own path. Back to the name of this blog: "Attitude is Everything". :)

On a semi-related note, had a friend tell me today that my aviation life actually did resemble Sword & the Stone. "But tell me, Wart", she said to me. "Just when are you going to realize that you're really King Arthur?"

Point taken. But I'm a girl... ;)

Disappointment

I set up a meeting with Merlin to talk with him. This direction we are heading is not good. I felt much more comfortable writing it all out and sending it to him, but wanted to do it face to face. He agreed and wanted to go over some more G1000 stuff.

Ok, fair enough. I get the nonsense out of the way and we continue as normal.

He was setting things up when I arrived and we got an in-flight guide printed for me for the Mission Observer training. Then we launched into a review of yesterday's material before I could say a word. Rather before I could get up the courage to say a word. Fine, I'll wait until after. Might be less awkward that way if things go awry.

We review everything from yesterday and I'm knocking those questions out of the park. Merlin drills me HARD and I'm not saying I answered everything correctly, but 90% easily. Maybe that's why he likes to get me mad - I get a certain "grrr I'm gonna show you" attitude and show those questions no mercy. It does drive me a little... but hey, so does joy & enthusiasm.

At one point, he taunts me - "Giving up now, are we?"
"I don't give up", I growled in response.
"Good", he said. "Don't give up on me and I won't give up on you".  Odd response. I'm sure he knew why I wanted to meet.

There's a SAREX (Search & Rescue Exercise) next weekend. I didn't want to sign up at first because it was CAP stuff. I'm still studying all of that, but I've been staying away from meetings. Merlin asked me to sign up and said none of the people causing drama would be there. He neglected to mention himself, but a lot of my buddies were signing up too, so I did. The closer it's getting, the more I'm realizing I'm not ready. I expressed my reservations to Merlin today. He said if I pulled out, it would be a slap in the face to him because he's spent so much time on me.

I thought later that I wish I could have been quick enough to say: "Oh no, I wouldn't want to do that and didn't mean that at all. That'd be like telling someone they cheated on their black belt test."

He said maybe I'd feel more comfortable flying with him, rather than someone I didn't know. Hell no, my reluctance to go to SAREX is because I don't want to be yelled by him in the plane. I want to walk away feeling accomplished and not beaten down. Like last time, I flew with two guys I didn't know and they said I was awesome. I came down from that flight with such a rush and was bouncing around like crazy. We all had been out all day, in 100+ degree temps, with no lunch and everyone was exhausted. I was the only person bouncing around, begging for another flight.

Merlin asked if someone had said something to me the last time that made me lose confidence. "No, those guys were fantastic. I had a great experience last time". It's not them; it's you.

When time was finished, I opened my mouth to say what I came to say... and his wife was behind me to pick him up. I didn't feel right saying it in front of her and closed my mouth.

I wish I could say I hate myself for not being able to say anything to him... and I know I made excuses for not doing so. Worst part is that I'm disappointed in myself. That's 100x worse than hating oneself.  I wish I could be assertive.

On the plus side, remember the pilot I told you about from yesterday? He's a C130 navigator. We got chatting yesterday and he's super nice. Most of the people in CAP seem really serious in meetings, but when you get one-on-one with them in the plane, they are much different. The C130 is my 2nd favorite plane, so it was pretty cool to be able to talk with him especially. I remembered today the respect he had in his eyes when he spoke to me. That really means a lot, you know? A guy in the AF, who navigates the C130 and whom I really respect... respects me, a baby pilot, in return. That makes me feel warm fuzzy allllllllll over!  When we left, he said he wanted to be informed of how my flight training was going and wanted to know if I'd make it or not. Merlin said he'd make sure I'd make it.

No Spirit of Oshkosh in my dreams last night to tell me what to do this time. Mom and some flight buddies say it's time to pull the plug on Merlin. I still haven't regained all of the confidence that I lost from giving my last flight instructor the pink slip and one flight buddy said no one else would have continued in flight training after what I went though. It very nearly destroyed me and I'm afraid if it were to happen again, there would be no maybe this time. I think if I could just talk to him and tell him to knock if off, we'd be okay. It's just a matter of being able to do that... which is harder than it seems.

Oh well, so barrelling non-stop towards the SAREX

Cloud bursting!

My cloudy mood broke pretty quickly the other day. I went for my nap after updating and when I started to wake up, I had a puppy sitting on top of me. She continued to sit on me and squish me as I frowned grumpily at her. When that didn't work to snap me out of my mood, she pinned me and licked my face until I begged for mercy by bursting out into giggles. She hopped off of me and when I stood up, she herded me towards the door to make me take her on a walk. She didn't allow a normal walk either and took me on an extra long walk instead. I <3 my puppy. She probably just needed to go out and figured she wasn't going anywhere as long as I was in a bad mood.

So that helped alot, and then when I returned home, R2 had messaged me and said she saw my new pic on FB of me landing a plane and said I looked like a pro. That brought me up a bit more.

Btw, this is the picture in question:

*THIS* is what a perfect landing looks like! We were a little high at this point, as you can see the PAPI (little string of 4 lights off to the left of the runway) is 3 white and 1 red. It's okay because just after this picture was taken (Da Vinci managed to snap this pic), they turned to 2 white and 2 red, which is exactly where I wanted to be. Da Vinci also managed to get the instruments in there too and you can see the airspeed. I had to enlarge it to see the numbers better, but it's solidly on 80, which is exactly where I wanted to be! Fantastic picture! One of my new favorites!!

Anyways, THEN my aerobatic pilot pen-pal friend mentioned "flying" and "Atl" in the same sentence on FB! I felt that silly little cloud above my head go POOF! Pretty awesome. I've never had it disappear that quickly.

Later, Merlin called me to check up on me. I had sent him a message asking how to prevent getting so frustrated. I was torn between keeping silent and asking his advice. Could be wrong, but I don't think he tolerates weakness in others well and it's a pride thing on my end, so I didn't want to admit I had a problem. But on the other hand, maybe just maybe he knew about such frustrations and could help me handle it better next time. I really hate feeling so darn frustrated... and I'm sure people around me don't much care for it either. I get rather cranky to say the least. haha

So he called and wondered what on Earth I was so frustrated about. I told him about the 3 goals I had and said how it's unbelievably frustrating to be at where I was and have to go allllllll the way back to the beginning. He doesn't yet believe I was where I say I was, but he will; it'll come back, I know it will. He said my goals were good, but it was stupid not to tell him what they were ahead of time. I realized that before he had called. Maybe if I had told him, then he could have helped me to reach them. I kept them to myself because, again, a pride thing. I wanted to do this myself. "We're on the same side", he said.

I guess maybe I still have lingering trust issues because of Bambi and Tyson? I dunno... and in any case, I need to let all of that crap go. All of that took me much, much further down than I ever realized. I nearly let it destroy me and my dream. Considering aviation is easily the love of my life, I need to guard it more closely to my heart than that. I can never, ever let it go like that again, never ever. Or let someone else tear me down like that ever again.

But his talk helped. He said the instructor/student relationship was kind of like a psychiatrist/patient relationship. haha For sure, because I definitely lost my mind once I jumped down that aviation rabbit hole. Merlin pointed out that he was exactly where I am now. Which is true... to an extent, but circumstances are different a little. Although isn't that how it always is? Someone tells you that they know how you feel and you doubt it, thinking you are alone in your journey.

I asked if maybe I had too many goals, and he said yes and no. Yes, because I need to focus on one aspect and get it down cold. No, because it's good to have goals in mind each flight and mine weren't too lofty. (haha lofty goals - all pilots should have lofty goals)

No studying tonight because I had to clean up for the pet sitter. I think it went well, at least I hope it did. I can't believe the Yorktown trip is in 2 weeks and 3 days!!!!!!!! I'MSOEXCITED!!! I mentioned how some of the other CAP members were telling me that it's supposedly haunted, right? So I was popping around like a jackrabbit, telling Da Vinci all excitedly while Merlin was listening off at the side. He shakes his head and says that it's not really haunted; people just tell you that to get more visitors. Silly Merlin - he STILL doesn't understand why this trip is soooo exciting and important to me. He says it takes too much time away from my studying and my goal to become a pilot because it doesn't really contribute anything to it. True, but it's fun and it's an amazing experience!!

 

Also, I printed out a copy of the picture I posted above and posted it in my office. I tell the story behind the picture to everyone who comes in. It also neat because I get to teach them a little bit as I'm doing so. It's amazing how many people don't know about the PAPI system!!! (lol but then again... neither did I before all this craziness started) So I tell them about how the lights tell me if I'm too high, too low or whatever. Everyone thinks that's pretty cool. One of my co-workers said "So someone sits up in the tower and flashes different lights as you come down?". lol noooooo (although I thought that too at first). Then I was showing them the instruments and how I could tell from the picture about how high I was and what speed we were flying. One of my fellow teachers said "Wow, do you really have to watch all of those instruments?? I don't know how you do that, but I know I couldn't watch 3 at once!!". lol Noooo, try again, there's a lot more than 3. So I showed him a full picture online of the instruments in the DA-40 G1000 and it just blew his mind!

Anyways, I need to get to sleep soon. I bought my ticket for Oshkosh and I look at it about once per day, as though it was Charlie's golden ticket or something. I'm getting a hat and t-shirt too. Know the little kids that wearing superhero costumes around months after Halloween and refuse to take them off? Yeah... that's probably going to be me with the Oshkosh hat and t-shirt. lol And you think I'm kidding... ;)

Taking Off!

So a lot's been happening in the last few weeks - things have really been taking off! haha I'm almost done with my scanner training - finished the second of the FEMA training yesterday. It was difficult because it was sunny outside and apparently nice days make studying 10x harder... *grumble*, but all that's left is demonstrating that I can use the radios and I'm done! I'm a little nervous after cussing over the airwaves before, but all I need to do is find my confident voice (and confidence haha) and it'll be just like before.

I had my first flight with the new instructor a few weeks ago. Even though it was a DA-40 and I've trained in a DA-20, it was like learning a whole new airplane. He has glass panels - a G1000 - which means everything is computerized. It has the same instruments, but in different places... and sometimes they are combined, so I feel a bit disoriented... and frustrated that after all the work I did, I have to go back to the beginning. :(   Although, I am hoping that once I get used to where everything is that I'll climb up pretty quickly to where I was before.

I've dubbed the new instructor "Merlin". Since we met, he's treated me like Wart from "The Sword in the Stone" and we have that teacher/student relationship. He doesn't just teach, but takes me on experiences like Merlin did to Wart. Also, Wart had dreams about being a Squire and Merlin thought it was silly. My instructor was getting after us one meeting for being "air show groupies" - and you all know how I like a good air show. So we swap messages back and forth and I said "You say 'air show groupie' like it's a bad thing...". He said that too many people waste time looking up, wishing they were the military pilots in the air show and don't actually go out and do it. He went on to say that at some point, we all need to ask ourselves if this activity moves us forward towards our goals? He has a point... but I respectfully disagree- I think air shows definitely move me towards my goal and here's what I wrote back to him:

"Does attending air shows help me move forward in my goals? Absolutely. It's a fun break away from book studies, yet not straying from the aviation field. It's still a learning experience and a place to teach some of my non-aviation friends some of the stuff I've been learning. Also, it's a great place to connect to the aviation community by talking to other pilots. Not to mention, the adrenaline boost gets me a little bit more excited about aviation. While I'm there, I may gaze up longingly up at the F-18, wishing I was a fighter pilot and yes, you are right -that kind of wish is impractical and doesn't help me move forward in my goals. However, there are other aerobatic pilots in the show that started out much like the rest of us and some how or another got into aerobatics. From there, they built their own planes, learned them inside and out and demonstrate a sense of precise control in them that make me desire to be able to learn the same skills one day, all the while they are an absolute blast doing what they love and maybe, just maybe, helping others who are watching on the ground to fall in love with aviation much like they have. Now, *that's* a worthwhile and practical goal. The book work and practical flying skills are the most important part in learning to fly, but one thing is needed to obtain goals - visualization of the goal. So for a pilot, that means stopping every so often and looking up, as us Air Show Groupies tend to do. :)"

He called me after I sent it and said "Alright, alright, I'm convinced!". He said it was beautiful and wondered where I found a quote like that. Pffft, 'find' nothing - I wrote it, dude.

So that's another way he's like Merlin. Wart's so excited by life and other activities, which Merlin kind of frowns upon or doesn't totally understand. He doesn't discourage him from doing them, but still doesn't encourage them either. Also, he's a cranky old man. :)

I've got two flying buddies now too - Da Vinci and R2D2. Da Vinci was doodling (or "enhancing the paper creatively", as she puts it) during a meeting one night and Merlin said her drawings were "Da Vinci-esque". Then we had a Top Gun viewing party one night and gave each other call-signs from the movie. Da Vinci was Iceman, R2D2 was Goose and I was Maverick. So Goose is Maverick's RIO (Radar Intercept Officer), also called R2D2 because the RIO rides out back, like Luke's R2. Plus, she's geeky like me and would love that nickname. It's kinda cool to be turning the tables at CAP. Before, it was all guys - all older, pilot guys, so it was a little intimidating. Kinda feels like we're invading. MUHAHAHAHA

I've been flying with a lot of the CAP members, too, and that kind of helps break down the intimidation factor. I get to see each of them individually, plus I just like hanging out with pilots all day and asking them questions. haha

Last week, we went flying in the Cessna 172 (my second time flying in one!) up to a non-towered airport (my first one!). Merlin had to teach someone else when we got there, so the other guy who came with me and I, sat in the FBO to study. Now this FBO was a house, complete with rocking chairs on the front porch! Merlin said they sit out there with numbered cards and rate the landings. haha Plus, we could hear the radio communications inside and sometimes the guy in the FBO responded, sometimes not. We left there and went to yet another untowered airport to fly in the Maule, which is an airplane that tows the gliders! I'm totally excited about flying in a glider. Merlin says we will soon! Anyways, the Maule was interesting because it was only built out of Plexiglas, aluminum and fabric. It flew differently too (not that I was flying it... just along for the ride). Plus, it had glass doors and a sun roof, so it was like you were really out there!

On the way back, I got to play with the nav equipment and even flew from the right seat! It was my first time flying a Cessna 172.. and it was in the right seat. Think about it for a moment - it may not seem like a big deal, but how out of place would you feel if you tried driving a new car, AND from the right seat? Especially a fairly new driver. And you are about 3,000 ft in the air. Yeah, a little stressful... although a new experience and still fun.

I didn't do too badly actually... A Cessna handles differently than a Diamond, but it just takes figuring out those little details. Like how the rudder pedal requires more pressure, and the throttle is a knob that you pull out, rather than a stick you move back and forth. My instructor pulled an "engine-out" simulation on me, which I have to say is MUCH different than when it occurs while I'm flying in the back seat. haha He seems to like those "engine-out" maneuvers - he does them every time we're up in a plane, which is good I guess - just means that I'll be that much more prepared if/when it happens.

The previous day, I flew twice for scanner training and then 4 times on that Sunday, so I flew a total of 6 times last weekend! Most I had done before that was 2 flights in one weekend... and one flight in a day. So yeah... I think I pushed past my limits that weekend and was overly exhausted after all of it. One important thing about being a pilot is to know your limits, to know the plane's limits and to never, ever push past them.

So Merlin says we actually need to go places during our flights. He mentioned taking Da Vinci and I to the museum in Warner Robins - having one of us fly there and the other fly back. Now that will be awesome! That's what I wanted from my instructors before - not only flight lessons, but field trips and stuff. We're both totally excited by that!

Ooo, I nearly forgot to update about the last CAP meeting!! We had a safety briefing for about an hour and meetings are suppose to be 2 hours long. Merlin says he knows of someone who has a bunch of questions and opens the floor to me. "Fire away". OMG... really? He enjoys putting me on the spot... *grumble*... Which is good, I guess, but I really hate asking questions in front of all of them because of the intimidation factor, plus they are all pilots and know more than I do. I don't want to look stupid in front of all of them. Although, I am getting better at it... and getting to know them one-on-one helps, like I said before. So during the meeting, they kept mentioning something called an HSI (Horizontal Situation Indicator). I didn't ask at the time because I didn't want to interrupt them, but figured this was a good time to ask. He says it's a good question and proceeds to explain it. It's an instrument on the panel, replacing the heading indicator, but it does that and so much more. So he draws the instruments on the board and asks me what all of them are. I fire off their names in rapid succession. He looks shocked... and then tries to get me with acronyms - HI (heading indicator) and DG (directional gyro). I get those too. "Whoa - where did this come from?" he asks. Then one of the guys in the back of the room says, "Sit down, let her teach it!" (squee)  and he laughs and says "Yeah, really".  I was totally stoked by that (even though I know they were humoring me a little). hehe  I went home and finished one FEMA test, which got me even more pumped up. Finished the second one yesterday...and won a game of laser tag after, which has me even more pumped up. I want to accomplish as much as I can and keep moving up.

Next Tuesday will be one year since I took my first flight lesson. It's bittersweet, as it's a milestone, yet I still only have 16 hrs of flight time, no license and no solo. It'll be okay - I'll make it, I know I will.

"Nothing is difficult; everything's a challenge!
Through adversity to the stars,
To the last plane, to the last bullet,
to the last minute, to the last man-
We fight! We fight! WE FIGHT!"
(battle cry from "Red Tails"... and my studying battle cry haha)