It's hard to believe a year ago I didn't even know something like this existed. I was listening to live.atc.net for the ATC broadcasts to help with my communication skills in the plane. Usually I listened to JFK, as the transmitions were back-to-back-to-back. However, I looked on the list to see the most listened to transmistion and it said "Oshkosh, WI" and it was more than double the listeners that JFK had on their best day. My curiousity was peaked - why would a little town in WI suddenly have a sharp peak in listeners? So I tuned in to find out they were having an air show... and it continued each day that week. No WAY!!! A week long air show?!?! I listened to the broadcast intently (and with growing envy each day), thinking to myself, "I MUST go here one day!!"
One of the transmitions I heard that first day caused me to burst out laughing in my office:
"Oshkosh Tower, 123 Alpha Bravo, 15 miles to the NE, inbound for landing"
"123 Alpha Bravo, negative, unable."
"Unable? Should I go around?"
"Negative. Unable to land"
"Unable to land?? Why the hell can't I land???"
Slight pause.... "Um... because there's an airshow, sir"
"Oh.... okay then."
Not exactly how it went, but close enough. I had never heard them speak over the radios like that before and I laughed sooo hard. How did he not see an air show going on beneath him??
I wanted so very badly to go, but I wasn't sure how I'd go about doing that. I had never been on a roadtrip with friends before or anything like this... and Oshkosh, WI was so very far away from Atlanta, GA. But I thought about how I didn't want to be sitting in my office chair listening in absolute envy by the time the next one rolled around. So I thought about what would be my first step in accomplishing all of this if I was going to accomplish it? Step 1 - take off time from work. Afterall, if my boss said "no", then at least I tried. And if he said yes and I didn't make it, I could use that week off for something else. Easy peasy.
Step #2 - researching. This was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. Once I got up there, where would I stay? Camping looked like the cheapest option from their website... and the website mentioned about how it was the best place to connect with the aviation community. Okay, so that's settled. So that meant I needed a tent and a sleeping bag (at the very least). Second part was how I was going to get up there - fly (Commercial or private), bus, train, or drive (w/ friends or self). I tracked commercial flights from 6 months out, and they were too expensive all the way. Plus, then the logistics added in of getting from the airport to Oshkosh. Maybe I'd have to rent a car on top of everything... and then figuring out bus schedules/times if they had them...
I hesitated buying the ticket, wondering what if I didn't make it up there? About 3 months before the show, I bit the bullet and did it. Whether I made it up there or not, it was the first step and needed to be taken care of before the prices went up. And in the off chance, I didn't make it up, the cost was minimal. I must have gazed at that ticket for hours after I bought it, knowing quite well how Charlie felt while looking at his golden ticket in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. Things were coming together and maybe... just maybe, I might pull this off.
Next step was buying the camping spot and all of my camping gear. It started to become very real at this point. Only thing left was transportation, albeit an important step. I'd crawl up there if I had to. It was the only thing left and I was making sure that by hell or highwater, I was making it up there. I'd gaze at a map of the US, my eyes drifting from GA to WI, wondering if I'd really see it with my own eyes. Wondering if I could actually do this.
Well, original transportation was going to be flying up with Merlin... and it fell through. I had some friends going up, so I asked them if I could drive up with them. No go. It suddenly hit me two weeks out that if I was going to make it up there, I was driving myself up. Alone. Now this might not seem like such a big deal... but the longest I had ever driven myself in a car was probably about 2 hrs. I had never done a road trip by myself and the longest road trip I had ever gone on was 4 hrs to Huntsville with a friend. I'll admit, I was scared. But my reaction wasn't "oh well, maybe I'll go next year", but instead "oh well, guess I'm doing this" (which surprised the hell out of me).
I rented a car - a cute little Nissan Versa, and my budget for the trip exploded. It was okay, although unexpected at the time. So I planned as much as I could and even planned for contingencies. I was as ready as I could ever be, although my heart was beating so fast. I remember sitting up the night before I left, wondering once again if I could actually do this, and thought that I loved driving and had at least been to the border of Georgia before. So I'd hop in the car, turn on some music and just drive till I saw Tennessee and if at any point, I felt uncomfortable, I could turn around to come home. No pressure...and I knew I could at least get a refund for the camping spot.
So 6am the following morning, I took off with this mindset. But by the time I saw Tennessee, I was energized, thinking "I'm doing it, I'm really doing it!!!!!!", and wanted to know how far I could go. Typical runner mindset. :)
I saw things I had never seen before and saw thing I wish I could have stopped for. My mom, in typical worried mom fashion, called every 2 hours... I also called her frequently. Talking to her and friends really broke up the monotony. It made me smile later in the afternoon, when Da Vinci texted me, "I told my zombie friends what you were doing and they said you're impressive. :D". She was doing a zombie pub walk that day that I had also wanted to go to.
In Indianapolis, I saw graffiti on the side of a building that said "YOU GO, GIRL!" and it made me smile ear-to-ear.
My boss was nice enough to lend me a GPS for my trip and that was a life-saver. Although now, if I were to take off for WI, I know the way without one.
One thing that tickled me was about how the music on the radio would change, based on where in the country I was. We have one Christian radio station here in Atlanta, and that number increased the further north I got. Indiana greeted me with polka music on the radio. At one point, I think in Kentucky/Indiana, all I could get was religious music, polka music and country music. Blah. I knew I was in a big city (finally) when a hip hop music station popped up just outside of Chicago.
Speaking of Chicago, I became energized the closer and closer I got to WI. Hitting Chicago and seeing Wisconsin signs for the very first time was absolutely magical. I knew I was in the home-stretch then, just 3 more hours to go.
There was a song I kept hearing over and over on the ride up there - "Lights" by Ellie Golding. One of the lyrics says:
"You show me the lights that stop me turn to stone,
you shine them when I'm alone,
and so I tell myself that I'll be strong,
dreaming when they're gone.
Cuz they're calling, calling, calling, calling me home.
Calling, calling, calling home."
I knew it was getting to be dark when I'd be arriving, so this kind of connected because I'd be seeing Oshkosh's lights. And they'd be kind of calling me in like a beacon. Around Chicago is when I started feeling it - feeling Oshkosh and WI calling me, pulling me in... like they were calling me home. Each time I heard it after, it only made that draw stronger... and kind of strengthened me.
Dunno if I've mentioned it, but I was born in Madison, WI. However, my parents and I left when I was 6 months ago. This trip wasn't only for the airshow, but also a chance for me to finally see where I was born. I'd get weird looks from people when I told them this, but it was important for me. It was a chance to cross something off my "Bucket List" and to see where I came from.
I finally arrived by 9pm, Central time. Unfortunately, I came in the opposite way and there were no signs for the camping area. I wandered around for about an hour before I found it. I asked 3 people, who sent me in 3 different directions and I was exhausted. So close, yet still so far. Finally I found where I needed to go, found my friends (on the corner of 14th and Lindburgh) and set up my tent by car headlight. I set up only the basic things - tent & sleeping bag - and figured I could do the rest in the morning. Everyone I called or texted that day wanted to make sure I got in safely, so I made sure to do that too. The only person I did was my pilot pen pal friend. He told me to text him when I got settled, but 10pm seemed to late. I would have to text him in the morning.
It was a hot night and I was delighted to find a "window" (lol a upzippable flap) in the side of my text. I unzipped it and slept on top of my sleeping bag, thankful I had the foresight to bring a sheet as well. I fell asleep, looking up at the stars... which I could see because it was almost completely dark outside due to no city lights around.
I awoke to full sun the next morning. Wow... how long did I sleep?? I didn't set an alarm because I needed my rest, but still wanted to get up at descent hour to experience everything. I rolled over and grabbed my watch - 5:30am. NO WAY! I looked outside... the light made it look like 8 or so. The hell with that. I put on my eyemask (which I also had the foresight of bringing) and turned back over for some more sleep.
Later, the light outside burned so intensely that I could see it through the mask. It had to be at least 10am. I took the mask off and looked outside - the sun was high in the sky. Yep, around 10... or maybe 9, seeing how the sun obviously rose earlier here. Checked watch. Wrong. 6:30am. Oh well... with a "if you can't beat them, join them" attitude, I got my stuff together for a trek to the showers.
I used to go camping with my parents when we'd go to Maine in the summer. My mom would always wake me at 5:30 because by 7am, the line would be out the door for the showers and they'd be dirty. I only hoped that was not the case here. Also, in Maine, you would have to pay $0.25 for 5 minutes of shower time. I also hoped that was not the case... especially since I did not have quarters. Fortunately, the showers were free (a fact I gleefully told my mom when I called her that morning) and there were plenty. I never saw a line out the door the entire time I was there.
I walked down the row of showers and a spray came out of one of the stalls, getting me drenched and providing me with a sight no one should see at all, let alone that early in the morning. Note to self: angle my body in the shower so that does not happen to me. So, I started to go into the first shower, but it looked broken, so I went to the next. Same thing. And ditto with the next two. It was not broken, but there was no faucet. Just a spray nozzle hung down from the ceiling - the same time you spray your dishes with at the sink at home. No hot, no cold, just one temperature for all of them. The pressure coming out of it could have properly cleaned an elephant.
"Refreshed" (I kid, the showers did actually turn out to be quiet refreshing after a hot day), I walked back to my camping spot. My friends were awake and I greeted them happily. I asked if they had used the showers, to which one of them replied: "I don't believe I've ever pressured washed myself before". It was quite possibly the best description of the experience in the showers you could possibly get.
After talking and getting some breakfast, we had planned to walk around the air show. They were still setting up, but let people in to wander around. We needed to get orintented with our new surroundings afterall. It was only 8:30am... possibly still too early to text my friend. I could hardly sit still and tried my best to wait until 10am to text him. Needless to say, I was unsuccessful and only hoped when I finally waited out until about 9:15 to text him, that I did not wake him. I cannot tell you how hard it was to wait that long. This brought back memories of waiting and staring at presents on Christmas morning. He wrote back, welcoming me to Oshkosh and said he'd be over around 10am. We had left some things at the campsite, so walked back to grab them before heading into the air show. This is consquently when I also learned that our campsite was about a mile from the air show itself.
Grrr. I'm trying to think of a callsign for him, but can't think of the right one!! I NEVER have this problem, normally they jump out at me. I was thinking "Gunner" because he's like a brother to me now and he builds planes, so BB reminded me of BB Gun (and he shoots too) and then Gunner. But it doesn't seem quite right although he might just get stuck with it anyways because I can't think of anything else.
To Be Continued...
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Squawk 7700
In the plane, there's a device called the Transponder. You plug in, or squawk, different codes so the ATC (air traffic control) can see you on their radar. There are certain codes you never squawk unless you are in an emergency. 7700 is the code for engine out.
Had a CAP aircrew meeting last night. An hour before the meeting, Merlin messages me and asks if I want to go flying at night. He asked Monday and I declined, not feeling 100% and wanted to review more stuff. He said it was an "excellent answer" and not to worry. I kicked myself after because it was absolutely beautiful and I was excited to see how flights would go between us after our chat.
So when he asked yesterday, I was over the moon! My energy surged and I had not felt this excited in a very, very long time. Also, in the meeting, we were going to go over a simulated table-top mission and I was going to tell them what to do as the Mission Observer.
I arrive earlier than I thought I would and just am so excited to see everyone. We start the meeting and then launch into the sim. It was going to be a bit different than I thought - 4 pilots all firing off questions at me about what I'm supposed to do. Not comfy. At all. I still don't know a lot of this stuff; I'm still learning and then they start saying stuff like:
"What's the matter? Are you tired? You must be tired."
"Are you nervous or something? Don't be nervous around us."
No, I just don't know any of this. Or have trouble remembering the very little I've learned. Especially with the four of you looking down the table at me like I was a mouse at a lion's dinner table.
So after, Merlin says I've earned it and he was going to take me flying. We adjourned and I happily bounced along. Still a little nervous about flying at night, but I listened to the plane and to the wind, so I was fine. Merlin gave me a good job for being able to take-off, but pfft... you know, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now.
We flew around, looking at all the lights from above. We got to see a marina over at Lake Allatoona and the dam all lit up. Got in a few turns there, too, and Merlin angled the plane up so we could see some of the stars (not many though because it was a bit cloudy). I could recognize more instruments on the G1000 now and I wasn't as afraid to fly at night this time. Merlin got in a few high-angle turns for me and it was just peaceful. Even got a radio call in there. Still not 100% comfortable, but decided it I needed to do it anyways.
I could actually see the airport when we were far away and that surprised him. Actually wanted to attempt landing this time, but he did it. Pooh. :(
So we get back and I'm a lil disappointed about not really being able to do anything and he says there's not much you can do at night. Ok, fair enough, but still disappointed. And still a little smarting from the tribunal earlier at the meeting. But had to give him his credit - he said he took me up "for fun", so I guess it was like an apology flight? I dunno...
He drives me back to my car and we chat for a bit. According to him, the other squadrons look down on ours because people don't perform the way they should. We have too many hot potatoes and he names a few of my friends as being such. He doesn't say I'm one too, but that I should be further along than where I am (mostly talking about mission observer stuff) because of all the time they've spent on me. He didn't want me running around , talking about aviation with other people because if there's something I should know but don't, then it makes him look bad. I totally understand that and it goes both ways. Can't tell you how many airshows or airports I've gone where I mention his name and people say "You fly with HIM???" and say some not so flattering things. If we continue, then our names will be forever tied together and we both have to make sure we don't bring down the name of the other person. "It makes me think I'm a bad instructor and I know I'm not because I've soloed more pilots than anyone at this airport". C'mon now... anyone who has ever taken a statistics class would know that making more solo pilots than anyone doesn't make you good, even if it was true. Maybe you've gone through more students than anyone else. That can result in more solos too.
Anyways, he continues and says most people drop hot potatoes because they don't want that stigma attached to them, but he likes me and won't stop training with me. Ouch. Umm... gee, thanks? What kind ass-backwards compliment was that??? And then he launches into his "You need to study more" speech. I explained to him about the lack of time and I'm doing all I can. How and when am I supposed to watch the videos when you are telling me to look over the G1000 and Mission Observer stuff? I work 40+ hours a week and have other responsibilities.
Others have left like I'm contemplating doing. Merlin got them all staff jobs. He said he'd get me one too, but why would I want to work for an organization that I don't want to volunteer for?
We left and he said he'd message me today. But no messages, no flights, and that's quite alright with me. I came home highly discouraged and low on enthusiasm. I think I need to stay away more than just the Thursday night meetings. It looks like my chat didn't help at all. I didn't really expect it to, as things like that normally don't work, but I still hoped... a little part of me hoped it would.
R2 says it's an abusive relationship I have with him - "There is being tough and then there is always knocking someone down".
I didn't sleep well last night and was in a horrible mood today. It was dangerous having my sleeping bag and tent in my car today; I was about 2.5 seconds from taking off. With my discouragement high and enthusiasm low, I felt like my engine was out again. I lost it after coming back from Oshkosh, got it briefly restarted last week and now it's out again. It's been 7 weeks since I've returned home from Oshkosh. TOO long to still be feeling this way. I can't come back from every flight or every aviation related activity feeling deflated. It'll kill my love for aviation.
I started thinking I might need to talk to a counselor or something. This is ridiculous. Absolutely. Ridiculous.
So I come home mopey after work and settle down to eat dinner. One of my facebook groups for the Spartan 5k race posts this video. It awoke me with a jolt. The engine sputtered to life. It's time to stop being afraid of this race. If those courageous young men could finish that race, then no excuses, I can too. Likewise, I shouldn't be worried about not making it as a pilot if I end up leaving Merlin. Sure, my confidence went down when I left the flight school and sure, it may go down if I leave Merlin. So what?? I won't and I can't let this love for aviation die. There's no way. Screw that little boys' club. I won't give up. I'll just find another squadron if I have to and continue on my own path. Back to the name of this blog: "Attitude is Everything". :)
On a semi-related note, had a friend tell me today that my aviation life actually did resemble Sword & the Stone. "But tell me, Wart", she said to me. "Just when are you going to realize that you're really King Arthur?"
Point taken. But I'm a girl... ;)
Had a CAP aircrew meeting last night. An hour before the meeting, Merlin messages me and asks if I want to go flying at night. He asked Monday and I declined, not feeling 100% and wanted to review more stuff. He said it was an "excellent answer" and not to worry. I kicked myself after because it was absolutely beautiful and I was excited to see how flights would go between us after our chat.
So when he asked yesterday, I was over the moon! My energy surged and I had not felt this excited in a very, very long time. Also, in the meeting, we were going to go over a simulated table-top mission and I was going to tell them what to do as the Mission Observer.
I arrive earlier than I thought I would and just am so excited to see everyone. We start the meeting and then launch into the sim. It was going to be a bit different than I thought - 4 pilots all firing off questions at me about what I'm supposed to do. Not comfy. At all. I still don't know a lot of this stuff; I'm still learning and then they start saying stuff like:
"What's the matter? Are you tired? You must be tired."
"Are you nervous or something? Don't be nervous around us."
No, I just don't know any of this. Or have trouble remembering the very little I've learned. Especially with the four of you looking down the table at me like I was a mouse at a lion's dinner table.
So after, Merlin says I've earned it and he was going to take me flying. We adjourned and I happily bounced along. Still a little nervous about flying at night, but I listened to the plane and to the wind, so I was fine. Merlin gave me a good job for being able to take-off, but pfft... you know, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now.
We flew around, looking at all the lights from above. We got to see a marina over at Lake Allatoona and the dam all lit up. Got in a few turns there, too, and Merlin angled the plane up so we could see some of the stars (not many though because it was a bit cloudy). I could recognize more instruments on the G1000 now and I wasn't as afraid to fly at night this time. Merlin got in a few high-angle turns for me and it was just peaceful. Even got a radio call in there. Still not 100% comfortable, but decided it I needed to do it anyways.
I could actually see the airport when we were far away and that surprised him. Actually wanted to attempt landing this time, but he did it. Pooh. :(
So we get back and I'm a lil disappointed about not really being able to do anything and he says there's not much you can do at night. Ok, fair enough, but still disappointed. And still a little smarting from the tribunal earlier at the meeting. But had to give him his credit - he said he took me up "for fun", so I guess it was like an apology flight? I dunno...
He drives me back to my car and we chat for a bit. According to him, the other squadrons look down on ours because people don't perform the way they should. We have too many hot potatoes and he names a few of my friends as being such. He doesn't say I'm one too, but that I should be further along than where I am (mostly talking about mission observer stuff) because of all the time they've spent on me. He didn't want me running around , talking about aviation with other people because if there's something I should know but don't, then it makes him look bad. I totally understand that and it goes both ways. Can't tell you how many airshows or airports I've gone where I mention his name and people say "You fly with HIM???" and say some not so flattering things. If we continue, then our names will be forever tied together and we both have to make sure we don't bring down the name of the other person. "It makes me think I'm a bad instructor and I know I'm not because I've soloed more pilots than anyone at this airport". C'mon now... anyone who has ever taken a statistics class would know that making more solo pilots than anyone doesn't make you good, even if it was true. Maybe you've gone through more students than anyone else. That can result in more solos too.
Anyways, he continues and says most people drop hot potatoes because they don't want that stigma attached to them, but he likes me and won't stop training with me. Ouch. Umm... gee, thanks? What kind ass-backwards compliment was that??? And then he launches into his "You need to study more" speech. I explained to him about the lack of time and I'm doing all I can. How and when am I supposed to watch the videos when you are telling me to look over the G1000 and Mission Observer stuff? I work 40+ hours a week and have other responsibilities.
Others have left like I'm contemplating doing. Merlin got them all staff jobs. He said he'd get me one too, but why would I want to work for an organization that I don't want to volunteer for?
We left and he said he'd message me today. But no messages, no flights, and that's quite alright with me. I came home highly discouraged and low on enthusiasm. I think I need to stay away more than just the Thursday night meetings. It looks like my chat didn't help at all. I didn't really expect it to, as things like that normally don't work, but I still hoped... a little part of me hoped it would.
R2 says it's an abusive relationship I have with him - "There is being tough and then there is always knocking someone down".
I didn't sleep well last night and was in a horrible mood today. It was dangerous having my sleeping bag and tent in my car today; I was about 2.5 seconds from taking off. With my discouragement high and enthusiasm low, I felt like my engine was out again. I lost it after coming back from Oshkosh, got it briefly restarted last week and now it's out again. It's been 7 weeks since I've returned home from Oshkosh. TOO long to still be feeling this way. I can't come back from every flight or every aviation related activity feeling deflated. It'll kill my love for aviation.
I started thinking I might need to talk to a counselor or something. This is ridiculous. Absolutely. Ridiculous.
So I come home mopey after work and settle down to eat dinner. One of my facebook groups for the Spartan 5k race posts this video. It awoke me with a jolt. The engine sputtered to life. It's time to stop being afraid of this race. If those courageous young men could finish that race, then no excuses, I can too. Likewise, I shouldn't be worried about not making it as a pilot if I end up leaving Merlin. Sure, my confidence went down when I left the flight school and sure, it may go down if I leave Merlin. So what?? I won't and I can't let this love for aviation die. There's no way. Screw that little boys' club. I won't give up. I'll just find another squadron if I have to and continue on my own path. Back to the name of this blog: "Attitude is Everything". :)
On a semi-related note, had a friend tell me today that my aviation life actually did resemble Sword & the Stone. "But tell me, Wart", she said to me. "Just when are you going to realize that you're really King Arthur?"
Point taken. But I'm a girl... ;)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
It's hard not to think of death and sadness on this day. 11 years after the fact and I don't think I'll ever be able to see a picture of the towers burning without feeling some sort of emotional response.
Lately there's been a couple of events that have reminded me of my own mortality. Bob Odegaard, an aerobatic pilot, passed away last Friday. I recognized the name and knew he flew at Oshkosh while I was there, but couldn't place him. It was only today that I realized he was the pilot flying aerobatics in the Corsair. It hit harder today than Friday. I had watched him fly. I sat there in the shaded grass watching him fly in awe, as he flew aerobatics in a Corsair he restored himself. He wasn't one of the cowboy-type younger, crazier aerobatic pilots. He was 66 years old - a highly respected and highly experienced pilot. And he died while practicing aerobatics for an airshow...
I know it's aviation, I know it's aerobatics and I know things happen in both. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it any less scary.
Recently, I've signed up to run the Spartan 5k, a mud and obstacle race. I saw a news story the other day about 2 people who died during one such race and another that was permanently paralyzed. I was nervous enough about the race to begin with and now I'm downright scared. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot did I just do???
I guess that's what all this rigorous training prepares us for and both situations are no different - always have a contingency plan, be two steps ahead at all times, train as much as possible for the unknown, push the envelope but don't step over that line, use good judgment, listen to myself, be brave, know that I can do this and have fun.
After all, it's evident that playing it "safe" isn't a guarantee of safety either.
Lately there's been a couple of events that have reminded me of my own mortality. Bob Odegaard, an aerobatic pilot, passed away last Friday. I recognized the name and knew he flew at Oshkosh while I was there, but couldn't place him. It was only today that I realized he was the pilot flying aerobatics in the Corsair. It hit harder today than Friday. I had watched him fly. I sat there in the shaded grass watching him fly in awe, as he flew aerobatics in a Corsair he restored himself. He wasn't one of the cowboy-type younger, crazier aerobatic pilots. He was 66 years old - a highly respected and highly experienced pilot. And he died while practicing aerobatics for an airshow...
I know it's aviation, I know it's aerobatics and I know things happen in both. It doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it any less scary.
Recently, I've signed up to run the Spartan 5k, a mud and obstacle race. I saw a news story the other day about 2 people who died during one such race and another that was permanently paralyzed. I was nervous enough about the race to begin with and now I'm downright scared. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot did I just do???
I guess that's what all this rigorous training prepares us for and both situations are no different - always have a contingency plan, be two steps ahead at all times, train as much as possible for the unknown, push the envelope but don't step over that line, use good judgment, listen to myself, be brave, know that I can do this and have fun.
After all, it's evident that playing it "safe" isn't a guarantee of safety either.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
SAREX #2
Today went remarkably well. I went into today's SAREX very very nervous because there's still a lot I don't know about the G1000 and GX55. There's a fellow member that's in the same boat I am and in fact he called me last night about a lot of what has been going on. He also mentioned how unprepared he felt. I told him not to worry and maybe we could have a flight first as the scanner in the back, while keeping one eye on the Mission Observer. He thought that was a brilliant idea... unfortunately he didn't get to fly at all today.
The first flight was with a pilot I was friendly with... and Merlin. I did not want to see him when I arrived there and planned to stay as far away from him as possible. Unfortunately, he picked me first. Fortunately, he had the same idea I did and suggested I ride in the back to watch what he did, while flying as an Observer later. Awesomesauce.
But no more Ms. non-assertive - "Good idea, Merlin. Listen, I have a request". I said this during the briefing before the flight.
"Sure, go ahead"
"Would you mind slowing down everything for me and maybe talking through it?". He goes SUPER fast though stuff and I can never catch it all. And for all I knew, he'd roll his eyes at my request and knock me for being weak or something.
"Sure, I will do that." Wow... I was surprised, and frankly, he looked surprised I asked.
Earlier in the morning, he stopped by and saw everything I had gotten together for this SAREX. Maps and a clipboard. It hadn't been easy (or cheap) to track these things down. He said he was really pleased I had these and was prepared. He started to give me a pat on the arm... and stopped midway as I glared at him.
So at least I was getting up in the plane. Merlin and the other guy were both training for aerial photography, which I also want to be trained in later. So Merlin was happy he was learning a new skill.... and I was happy because aerial photography missions involve a lot of steep turns. Plus, it added a few more duties for me as Mission Scanner.
I know this job cold and perform it flawlessly. Merlin is true to his word and after I'm done with my part for the moment, he makes sure I'm watching him before talking/walking me through what he's doing at a slower pace than normal. Perfect. This is going to be great.
It gets better when we go out and start taking pictures. High banking turns, tight turns on a point and the feeling of the breeze in my hair when Merlin had to open his window to take pictures. Plus, it was BREEZY! The higher winds were making the steep, tight turns even more fun. The scene out of the front of the airplane looked like a roller coaster. I was in heaven.
We had 4 targets we needed to get pictures of .... and 5 angles of each - overhead, north, south, east and west. I had to record down the order and technically how many of each...but Merlin didn't keep track.
One target left to go and I feel like I have indigestion all of a sudden. It took one steep turn to realize it was NOT indigestion... but queasiness. Crap, crap, crap. Don't think about it. I started looking straight forward and singing songs in my head. It went away. One strong wind caused us to be tossed around. It came back. I went to my happy place at Oshkosh. I ran through things I remembered and once again the feeling went away. The plane dipped and shot up again. The scene outside the front of the plane was like a roller coaster again as we turned into another steep turn. Not so much heaven right now. I'm in trouble now... and I know it.
"Bag?" I say meekly. I'm never going to live this down, but there's nothing else I can do. The pilot's IPAD is on my lap and I quickly move it to the side. Merlin finds a bag for me and the pilot opens the window. I sit for a minute, relieved by the cooler air in the cabin and breathe deeply. After a few minutes clutching the bag for dear life, the feeling goes away. I tell them I'm ok and they close the window. Merlin asks if I got sick and I tell them no. He asks me how I was able to stop it, and the pilot says I was able to will it away. Booyah.
So we still have work to do and I continue to do my job. Merlin can't get one of the shots, so we have to set it up again. I start thinking about how close I came to tossing my cookies... and guess what comes back? Craaaaaaaaaap.
"Window!" is all I'm able to get out. The pilot understands and opens the window again. I feel bad because with all the breeze, it makes it harder to hear the radios, but I'm about to burst. I wait until I'm feeling better and gives the thumbs up that I'm okay as soon as possible. I'm okay for the time being, but I need down. Now.
Merlin turns around with a smirk on his face and says, "So YOU want to fly aerobatics, huh?". I didn't feel well and my defenses were down, so I responded with an uncharacteristic "Shut up, Merlin".
Problem was that we tried to head back to the airport earlier.... and there was a rain shower right on top of it. We had to fly around until it cleared up. So everything was okay weather-wise and we came down. I was relieved, but Merlin and the other guy said I was a trooper for going through that while continuing to do my job. Double booyah.
We park the plane and can smell food cooking from the restaurant next door. Merlin comments about how we all need to grab lunch and he can smell steak cooking. That was all I needed and began to gag. Oh HELL no! I didn't make it this far to only toss my cookies just after we landed. I concentrated and stop the gagging with a sigh of relief. But at this point, I was worn out. Even though I managed not to get sick, it still drained me. A LOT.
I curled up on the couch while they debriefed and joined them when I felt up to it. They insisted on going to lunch, which even though I didn't want to eat at that moment, I figured it might make me feel better in the long run.
Allllllllll through lunch they talked about CAP and the problems going on with it. Guuuh.... c'mon guys! Quit talking about that stuff while I eat pul-leeeeeeease!
After lunch, I was asked to go up in a plane with another pilot.... as the Mission Observer. My heart nearly stopped. He and the other guy going with him told me that we were all here to learn and they would help me through it; not to worry. Besides, the pilot was another guy that I'm friendly with in the squadron. Okay! Let's do this!!
So we get into the plane and I'm doing as much as I can... which still isn't a lot. This was the Gx55 system, which I played with a few weeks ago but have more recently been training on the G1000. Odd enough though, Merlin's in my head - "Isn't there something else you should be doing?!?!". OH, YEAH! And my hand reached up to press buttons and turn knobs. The pilot even forgot something and I pointed it out to him. This pilot was super-nice... and almost coddling me. I hated being beaten down by Merlin in the plane, but coddling isn't the way to go either. I realized I retained more in my flights with Merlin because he expected so much of me. Don't expect much out of me and my brain doesn't scramble to try to remember something.
At one point during the flight, I feel the wind coming into the cabin (just a little, not to worry - no windows fell off) and it spoke to me. I closed my eyes and communicated back. I love this feeling of riding on the back of the wind.
"Want to fly?" asked the pilot.
Hell YES! "Sure", I answered. And just like that I'm flying. It's so smooth and it's been far too long since I've in control of an airplane. It was heaven.
Finally, we came back and the guy in the back (from another squadron) signed off on a few things for me. I did preform them, albeit not very well. I want to get more proficient before I get that rating. But I was happy... not only because I got to fly but because of the revelation I had in the plane.
Merlin walked through the door... and I smiled brightly at him. I think it confused him. Outside, I told him about how he was in my head during that flight. He started to object, wondering what was so wrong with asking someone "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?". I told him pointe blank that he was abrasive, but how things actually stuck in my head more during his beat-down flights rather than the coddle flights. I said I knew he wasn't a warm-fuzzy type of guy and that was okay... I get it. So be hard on me and be stingy with the compliments... but don't be an asshole.
We had a heart-to-heart chat afterwards. He explained to me some of the things that were going on in CAP... and I told him that I had friends on both sides, so I didn't want to be dragged into it. He told me I could leave if I wanted to, and he wouldn't stop me, but to try to wait for things to blow over. I told him how much the pencil-whipping comment hurt me... as well as some of the others, and he apologized. He said he was glad we had this chat and was impressed I could speak to him directly about this. He agreed not to be so insulting and said he wanted me to be able to say what was on my mind around him. Finally, he finished with how he really does like me as a person and cares very much for me, no matter how his actions might make it seem like he doesn't. We discussed aerobatics and he said he just wanted to make sure I'd be safe, that's all. Especially after Bob Osgaard passing away today while attempting to do a barrel roll, it hit home I guess for all of us. I had a feeling all along that's just what it is about aerobatics and him. But again, he presented it too abrasively...and caused me to react back. But apparently I reacted back equally abrasively and he took offensive to it. Guess we have a mutual non-asshole agreement or something now. haha I really really hope this talk ends up doing the trick.
The guy who didn't get a chance to fly today just called me. He said Merlin called him to apologize for him not getting any flights and said he talked to me for quite a long time. He said he also wanted to talk to Merlin and hoped my little chat would help pave the way for talking to him himself tomorrow. I told him to go for it and that Merlin was very receptive to my concerns. He thanked me for listening to him. I hope he doesn't leave the squadron. :(
So triple booyah today. I was quite pleased with myself. Got lots of good training done, was able to stop motion sickness three times in a row, and finally was able to give Merlin the assertiveness he was looking for.... Rather the assertiveness I was looking for.
I hope things continue to go this well. I really, really hope they do.
The first flight was with a pilot I was friendly with... and Merlin. I did not want to see him when I arrived there and planned to stay as far away from him as possible. Unfortunately, he picked me first. Fortunately, he had the same idea I did and suggested I ride in the back to watch what he did, while flying as an Observer later. Awesomesauce.
But no more Ms. non-assertive - "Good idea, Merlin. Listen, I have a request". I said this during the briefing before the flight.
"Sure, go ahead"
"Would you mind slowing down everything for me and maybe talking through it?". He goes SUPER fast though stuff and I can never catch it all. And for all I knew, he'd roll his eyes at my request and knock me for being weak or something.
"Sure, I will do that." Wow... I was surprised, and frankly, he looked surprised I asked.
Earlier in the morning, he stopped by and saw everything I had gotten together for this SAREX. Maps and a clipboard. It hadn't been easy (or cheap) to track these things down. He said he was really pleased I had these and was prepared. He started to give me a pat on the arm... and stopped midway as I glared at him.
So at least I was getting up in the plane. Merlin and the other guy were both training for aerial photography, which I also want to be trained in later. So Merlin was happy he was learning a new skill.... and I was happy because aerial photography missions involve a lot of steep turns. Plus, it added a few more duties for me as Mission Scanner.
I know this job cold and perform it flawlessly. Merlin is true to his word and after I'm done with my part for the moment, he makes sure I'm watching him before talking/walking me through what he's doing at a slower pace than normal. Perfect. This is going to be great.
It gets better when we go out and start taking pictures. High banking turns, tight turns on a point and the feeling of the breeze in my hair when Merlin had to open his window to take pictures. Plus, it was BREEZY! The higher winds were making the steep, tight turns even more fun. The scene out of the front of the airplane looked like a roller coaster. I was in heaven.
We had 4 targets we needed to get pictures of .... and 5 angles of each - overhead, north, south, east and west. I had to record down the order and technically how many of each...but Merlin didn't keep track.
One target left to go and I feel like I have indigestion all of a sudden. It took one steep turn to realize it was NOT indigestion... but queasiness. Crap, crap, crap. Don't think about it. I started looking straight forward and singing songs in my head. It went away. One strong wind caused us to be tossed around. It came back. I went to my happy place at Oshkosh. I ran through things I remembered and once again the feeling went away. The plane dipped and shot up again. The scene outside the front of the plane was like a roller coaster again as we turned into another steep turn. Not so much heaven right now. I'm in trouble now... and I know it.
"Bag?" I say meekly. I'm never going to live this down, but there's nothing else I can do. The pilot's IPAD is on my lap and I quickly move it to the side. Merlin finds a bag for me and the pilot opens the window. I sit for a minute, relieved by the cooler air in the cabin and breathe deeply. After a few minutes clutching the bag for dear life, the feeling goes away. I tell them I'm ok and they close the window. Merlin asks if I got sick and I tell them no. He asks me how I was able to stop it, and the pilot says I was able to will it away. Booyah.
So we still have work to do and I continue to do my job. Merlin can't get one of the shots, so we have to set it up again. I start thinking about how close I came to tossing my cookies... and guess what comes back? Craaaaaaaaaap.
"Window!" is all I'm able to get out. The pilot understands and opens the window again. I feel bad because with all the breeze, it makes it harder to hear the radios, but I'm about to burst. I wait until I'm feeling better and gives the thumbs up that I'm okay as soon as possible. I'm okay for the time being, but I need down. Now.
Merlin turns around with a smirk on his face and says, "So YOU want to fly aerobatics, huh?". I didn't feel well and my defenses were down, so I responded with an uncharacteristic "Shut up, Merlin".
Problem was that we tried to head back to the airport earlier.... and there was a rain shower right on top of it. We had to fly around until it cleared up. So everything was okay weather-wise and we came down. I was relieved, but Merlin and the other guy said I was a trooper for going through that while continuing to do my job. Double booyah.
We park the plane and can smell food cooking from the restaurant next door. Merlin comments about how we all need to grab lunch and he can smell steak cooking. That was all I needed and began to gag. Oh HELL no! I didn't make it this far to only toss my cookies just after we landed. I concentrated and stop the gagging with a sigh of relief. But at this point, I was worn out. Even though I managed not to get sick, it still drained me. A LOT.
I curled up on the couch while they debriefed and joined them when I felt up to it. They insisted on going to lunch, which even though I didn't want to eat at that moment, I figured it might make me feel better in the long run.
Allllllllll through lunch they talked about CAP and the problems going on with it. Guuuh.... c'mon guys! Quit talking about that stuff while I eat pul-leeeeeeease!
After lunch, I was asked to go up in a plane with another pilot.... as the Mission Observer. My heart nearly stopped. He and the other guy going with him told me that we were all here to learn and they would help me through it; not to worry. Besides, the pilot was another guy that I'm friendly with in the squadron. Okay! Let's do this!!
So we get into the plane and I'm doing as much as I can... which still isn't a lot. This was the Gx55 system, which I played with a few weeks ago but have more recently been training on the G1000. Odd enough though, Merlin's in my head - "Isn't there something else you should be doing?!?!". OH, YEAH! And my hand reached up to press buttons and turn knobs. The pilot even forgot something and I pointed it out to him. This pilot was super-nice... and almost coddling me. I hated being beaten down by Merlin in the plane, but coddling isn't the way to go either. I realized I retained more in my flights with Merlin because he expected so much of me. Don't expect much out of me and my brain doesn't scramble to try to remember something.
At one point during the flight, I feel the wind coming into the cabin (just a little, not to worry - no windows fell off) and it spoke to me. I closed my eyes and communicated back. I love this feeling of riding on the back of the wind.
"Want to fly?" asked the pilot.
Hell YES! "Sure", I answered. And just like that I'm flying. It's so smooth and it's been far too long since I've in control of an airplane. It was heaven.
Finally, we came back and the guy in the back (from another squadron) signed off on a few things for me. I did preform them, albeit not very well. I want to get more proficient before I get that rating. But I was happy... not only because I got to fly but because of the revelation I had in the plane.
Merlin walked through the door... and I smiled brightly at him. I think it confused him. Outside, I told him about how he was in my head during that flight. He started to object, wondering what was so wrong with asking someone "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?". I told him pointe blank that he was abrasive, but how things actually stuck in my head more during his beat-down flights rather than the coddle flights. I said I knew he wasn't a warm-fuzzy type of guy and that was okay... I get it. So be hard on me and be stingy with the compliments... but don't be an asshole.
We had a heart-to-heart chat afterwards. He explained to me some of the things that were going on in CAP... and I told him that I had friends on both sides, so I didn't want to be dragged into it. He told me I could leave if I wanted to, and he wouldn't stop me, but to try to wait for things to blow over. I told him how much the pencil-whipping comment hurt me... as well as some of the others, and he apologized. He said he was glad we had this chat and was impressed I could speak to him directly about this. He agreed not to be so insulting and said he wanted me to be able to say what was on my mind around him. Finally, he finished with how he really does like me as a person and cares very much for me, no matter how his actions might make it seem like he doesn't. We discussed aerobatics and he said he just wanted to make sure I'd be safe, that's all. Especially after Bob Osgaard passing away today while attempting to do a barrel roll, it hit home I guess for all of us. I had a feeling all along that's just what it is about aerobatics and him. But again, he presented it too abrasively...and caused me to react back. But apparently I reacted back equally abrasively and he took offensive to it. Guess we have a mutual non-asshole agreement or something now. haha I really really hope this talk ends up doing the trick.
The guy who didn't get a chance to fly today just called me. He said Merlin called him to apologize for him not getting any flights and said he talked to me for quite a long time. He said he also wanted to talk to Merlin and hoped my little chat would help pave the way for talking to him himself tomorrow. I told him to go for it and that Merlin was very receptive to my concerns. He thanked me for listening to him. I hope he doesn't leave the squadron. :(
So triple booyah today. I was quite pleased with myself. Got lots of good training done, was able to stop motion sickness three times in a row, and finally was able to give Merlin the assertiveness he was looking for.... Rather the assertiveness I was looking for.
I hope things continue to go this well. I really, really hope they do.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
G1000 Sim Training
This sim is bloody fantastic! I set up a flight plan from KPDK (Peachtree Dekalb) to KOSH. :) From one favorite airport to another.
After awhile, I get a little bored and start pushing other buttons. In the options, it has a failure checklist to simulate if different systems fail. So I click "engine failure". The whole screen turns red, alarms start going off and the computer says "WARNING, WARNING!". My dog jumps up from a nap and starts running around the apartment. Poor thing, but it was so funny and I laughed until I nearly fell off the chair!
It looked like she was saying "DEFCON 5, CODE RED!!! Grab my stuffed squirrel and my food and let's GO!!" This apartment's going down!". LOL I turned it off and she flopped down to the floor with a sigh... complete with a glare aimed right at me. "Not funny, human."
I told this story at work today, laughing so hard until I cried. Da Vinci helped me out too and we both laughed and laughed about my flying adventures. Friends are good like that.
After awhile, I get a little bored and start pushing other buttons. In the options, it has a failure checklist to simulate if different systems fail. So I click "engine failure". The whole screen turns red, alarms start going off and the computer says "WARNING, WARNING!". My dog jumps up from a nap and starts running around the apartment. Poor thing, but it was so funny and I laughed until I nearly fell off the chair!
It looked like she was saying "DEFCON 5, CODE RED!!! Grab my stuffed squirrel and my food and let's GO!!" This apartment's going down!". LOL I turned it off and she flopped down to the floor with a sigh... complete with a glare aimed right at me. "Not funny, human."
I told this story at work today, laughing so hard until I cried. Da Vinci helped me out too and we both laughed and laughed about my flying adventures. Friends are good like that.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Disappointment
I set up a meeting with Merlin to talk with him. This direction we are heading is not good. I felt much more comfortable writing it all out and sending it to him, but wanted to do it face to face. He agreed and wanted to go over some more G1000 stuff.
Ok, fair enough. I get the nonsense out of the way and we continue as normal.
He was setting things up when I arrived and we got an in-flight guide printed for me for the Mission Observer training. Then we launched into a review of yesterday's material before I could say a word. Rather before I could get up the courage to say a word. Fine, I'll wait until after. Might be less awkward that way if things go awry.
We review everything from yesterday and I'm knocking those questions out of the park. Merlin drills me HARD and I'm not saying I answered everything correctly, but 90% easily. Maybe that's why he likes to get me mad - I get a certain "grrr I'm gonna show you" attitude and show those questions no mercy. It does drive me a little... but hey, so does joy & enthusiasm.
At one point, he taunts me - "Giving up now, are we?"
"I don't give up", I growled in response.
"Good", he said. "Don't give up on me and I won't give up on you". Odd response. I'm sure he knew why I wanted to meet.
There's a SAREX (Search & Rescue Exercise) next weekend. I didn't want to sign up at first because it was CAP stuff. I'm still studying all of that, but I've been staying away from meetings. Merlin asked me to sign up and said none of the people causing drama would be there. He neglected to mention himself, but a lot of my buddies were signing up too, so I did. The closer it's getting, the more I'm realizing I'm not ready. I expressed my reservations to Merlin today. He said if I pulled out, it would be a slap in the face to him because he's spent so much time on me.
I thought later that I wish I could have been quick enough to say: "Oh no, I wouldn't want to do that and didn't mean that at all. That'd be like telling someone they cheated on their black belt test."
He said maybe I'd feel more comfortable flying with him, rather than someone I didn't know. Hell no, my reluctance to go to SAREX is because I don't want to be yelled by him in the plane. I want to walk away feeling accomplished and not beaten down. Like last time, I flew with two guys I didn't know and they said I was awesome. I came down from that flight with such a rush and was bouncing around like crazy. We all had been out all day, in 100+ degree temps, with no lunch and everyone was exhausted. I was the only person bouncing around, begging for another flight.
Merlin asked if someone had said something to me the last time that made me lose confidence. "No, those guys were fantastic. I had a great experience last time". It's not them; it's you.
When time was finished, I opened my mouth to say what I came to say... and his wife was behind me to pick him up. I didn't feel right saying it in front of her and closed my mouth.
I wish I could say I hate myself for not being able to say anything to him... and I know I made excuses for not doing so. Worst part is that I'm disappointed in myself. That's 100x worse than hating oneself. I wish I could be assertive.
On the plus side, remember the pilot I told you about from yesterday? He's a C130 navigator. We got chatting yesterday and he's super nice. Most of the people in CAP seem really serious in meetings, but when you get one-on-one with them in the plane, they are much different. The C130 is my 2nd favorite plane, so it was pretty cool to be able to talk with him especially. I remembered today the respect he had in his eyes when he spoke to me. That really means a lot, you know? A guy in the AF, who navigates the C130 and whom I really respect... respects me, a baby pilot, in return. That makes me feel warm fuzzy allllllllll over! When we left, he said he wanted to be informed of how my flight training was going and wanted to know if I'd make it or not. Merlin said he'd make sure I'd make it.
No Spirit of Oshkosh in my dreams last night to tell me what to do this time. Mom and some flight buddies say it's time to pull the plug on Merlin. I still haven't regained all of the confidence that I lost from giving my last flight instructor the pink slip and one flight buddy said no one else would have continued in flight training after what I went though. It very nearly destroyed me and I'm afraid if it were to happen again, there would be no maybe this time. I think if I could just talk to him and tell him to knock if off, we'd be okay. It's just a matter of being able to do that... which is harder than it seems.
Oh well, so barrelling non-stop towards the SAREX
Ok, fair enough. I get the nonsense out of the way and we continue as normal.
He was setting things up when I arrived and we got an in-flight guide printed for me for the Mission Observer training. Then we launched into a review of yesterday's material before I could say a word. Rather before I could get up the courage to say a word. Fine, I'll wait until after. Might be less awkward that way if things go awry.
We review everything from yesterday and I'm knocking those questions out of the park. Merlin drills me HARD and I'm not saying I answered everything correctly, but 90% easily. Maybe that's why he likes to get me mad - I get a certain "grrr I'm gonna show you" attitude and show those questions no mercy. It does drive me a little... but hey, so does joy & enthusiasm.
At one point, he taunts me - "Giving up now, are we?"
"I don't give up", I growled in response.
"Good", he said. "Don't give up on me and I won't give up on you". Odd response. I'm sure he knew why I wanted to meet.
There's a SAREX (Search & Rescue Exercise) next weekend. I didn't want to sign up at first because it was CAP stuff. I'm still studying all of that, but I've been staying away from meetings. Merlin asked me to sign up and said none of the people causing drama would be there. He neglected to mention himself, but a lot of my buddies were signing up too, so I did. The closer it's getting, the more I'm realizing I'm not ready. I expressed my reservations to Merlin today. He said if I pulled out, it would be a slap in the face to him because he's spent so much time on me.
I thought later that I wish I could have been quick enough to say: "Oh no, I wouldn't want to do that and didn't mean that at all. That'd be like telling someone they cheated on their black belt test."
He said maybe I'd feel more comfortable flying with him, rather than someone I didn't know. Hell no, my reluctance to go to SAREX is because I don't want to be yelled by him in the plane. I want to walk away feeling accomplished and not beaten down. Like last time, I flew with two guys I didn't know and they said I was awesome. I came down from that flight with such a rush and was bouncing around like crazy. We all had been out all day, in 100+ degree temps, with no lunch and everyone was exhausted. I was the only person bouncing around, begging for another flight.
Merlin asked if someone had said something to me the last time that made me lose confidence. "No, those guys were fantastic. I had a great experience last time". It's not them; it's you.
When time was finished, I opened my mouth to say what I came to say... and his wife was behind me to pick him up. I didn't feel right saying it in front of her and closed my mouth.
I wish I could say I hate myself for not being able to say anything to him... and I know I made excuses for not doing so. Worst part is that I'm disappointed in myself. That's 100x worse than hating oneself. I wish I could be assertive.
On the plus side, remember the pilot I told you about from yesterday? He's a C130 navigator. We got chatting yesterday and he's super nice. Most of the people in CAP seem really serious in meetings, but when you get one-on-one with them in the plane, they are much different. The C130 is my 2nd favorite plane, so it was pretty cool to be able to talk with him especially. I remembered today the respect he had in his eyes when he spoke to me. That really means a lot, you know? A guy in the AF, who navigates the C130 and whom I really respect... respects me, a baby pilot, in return. That makes me feel warm fuzzy allllllllll over! When we left, he said he wanted to be informed of how my flight training was going and wanted to know if I'd make it or not. Merlin said he'd make sure I'd make it.
No Spirit of Oshkosh in my dreams last night to tell me what to do this time. Mom and some flight buddies say it's time to pull the plug on Merlin. I still haven't regained all of the confidence that I lost from giving my last flight instructor the pink slip and one flight buddy said no one else would have continued in flight training after what I went though. It very nearly destroyed me and I'm afraid if it were to happen again, there would be no maybe this time. I think if I could just talk to him and tell him to knock if off, we'd be okay. It's just a matter of being able to do that... which is harder than it seems.
Oh well, so barrelling non-stop towards the SAREX
Revelations
After a night of no sleep, crying and nightmares when I did manage to sleep, something occurred to me-
The little voice inside of me that encouraged me to be more adventerous, to try new things and to enjoy life with the enthusiasm of a child... the same voice that whispered for me to try everything from roller coasters to flying to ziplining... the one that insisted and persisted, no matter how many excuses I came up with as to why I couldn't do what it asked... the one that pointed me to everything I love now and everything that made me who I am today... the little tiny voice that somehow knew I'd enjoy all of these experiences and grow when I wasn't even aware of it myself... It's the same voice telling me to go back to Wisconsin.
I thought at first it was just missing everyone I met and missed having a good time. I thought maybe if I could tell the voice and convince it that it's only like that 1 week out of the year, this voice would quiet down. Maybe as more time passed, the voice would let go. Maybe I even needed professional help. Afterall, it was crazy to think of packing up my entire life here and moving somewhere unknown. It's scary, it's stupid. Plus, me a Georgia girl could never survive WI's winters. "You'll adapt", the voice whispers back. For every excuse I have, it has a solution.
All I know is that it wouldn't quiet down until I said "Maybe you are right, you've been right about everything else. No promises... and it might take me awhile, but I'll try". Sometimes when an idea (no matter how crazy) just won't let go, you need to stop fighting it and just go with it.
The little voice inside of me that encouraged me to be more adventerous, to try new things and to enjoy life with the enthusiasm of a child... the same voice that whispered for me to try everything from roller coasters to flying to ziplining... the one that insisted and persisted, no matter how many excuses I came up with as to why I couldn't do what it asked... the one that pointed me to everything I love now and everything that made me who I am today... the little tiny voice that somehow knew I'd enjoy all of these experiences and grow when I wasn't even aware of it myself... It's the same voice telling me to go back to Wisconsin.
I thought at first it was just missing everyone I met and missed having a good time. I thought maybe if I could tell the voice and convince it that it's only like that 1 week out of the year, this voice would quiet down. Maybe as more time passed, the voice would let go. Maybe I even needed professional help. Afterall, it was crazy to think of packing up my entire life here and moving somewhere unknown. It's scary, it's stupid. Plus, me a Georgia girl could never survive WI's winters. "You'll adapt", the voice whispers back. For every excuse I have, it has a solution.
All I know is that it wouldn't quiet down until I said "Maybe you are right, you've been right about everything else. No promises... and it might take me awhile, but I'll try". Sometimes when an idea (no matter how crazy) just won't let go, you need to stop fighting it and just go with it.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Frustrations :/
Went flying (right seat) in a 152 for Mission Observer training for CAP. Usual frustrations surfaced. It was my first time using the G1000 for Mission Observer duties... and DV Merlin expected me to know everything already. "Haven't you been using the simulator?!?!" he asked in frustration. The sim, that I just downloaded a few nights ago, and haven't had much of a chance to use. Even when I had, pressing buttons randomly to figure out what they do is MUCH different than someone saying "bring up the weather" and knowing how to do that.
So he sighed frustratingly at me and I did the same. On the way back, I made a significant improvement and was quite pleased with the progress I made in such a short time. The pilot riding in the backseat thought so too. See? Just show me once and I'm good to go. Merlin suggested I hang out after and we'd go over some more stuff so I'd get better. During which, he told me I wasn't aggressive enough and how aviation wasn't for the timid. Granted, I agree and I do need to get more aggressive... but I can't do some of the things he wants me to. He says if he starts messing with the buttons on the G1000, then I need to slap his hand away. I've tried... and I just can't do it. I wasn't brought up like that. It's just not part of my DNA. On the other side, he'd faint from shock if I actually ever did... and I just might, too.
He starts packing up his stuff and says if I can't be aggressive, then I can't make it. "Go out, get a black belt and come back and see me", he says.
I smile and reply, "I already have one". Not something I talk about much, but it's true. Or at one point, I guess it was true. So long ago, I doubt it really counts anymore. "First Degree Black Belt, actually."
He laughs. "Who pencil-whipped that one for you? Act like it."
My anger flared. If you know anything about me at all, you know I work hard for everything I have. Nothing I have was handed to me. Attaining my black belt was no different and my mom loves telling that story. I worked extra hard to earn it and no one handed it to me. Dunno how he always knows how to push my buttons, but he does. Not sure if somehow he knew about the black belt or if it was just completely random that he happened upon it.
We continued to work on other stuff, but I steamed. Much like being forced into that CAP meeting when I didn't want to be there. I sat and steamed, barely hearing anything going on or paying attention.
He asked me questions about the G1000 and got frustrated about how I couldn't answer them. "What do you want from me?", I asked, equally as frustrated. "I've never seen this before!"
So he nearly left, telling me he didn't know what to do and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting this... and how I needed to go home to review the videos he gave me, the G1000 training, my textbook and the Mission Observer training. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed because I study EVERY FREE MOMENT I HAVE. I study on my lunch break at work and study when I get home. Sometimes I even listen to ATC broadcasts while working. He's even said before how no one works harder than I do. So when he tells me to do G1000 training, I put down my textbook and concentrate on that. When we meet a few days later, he asks why I haven't been watching the videos. When was I suppose to have time for that?!?! When I'm in the shower??? Or maybe play them in the background while I'm sleeping...? Or perhaps shove the flash drive in my ear and hope it uploads it, maybe?? I don't know!!
Instead of leaving, he asks to see my textbook and opens it to ask me questions out of there. I answer every single one correctly. He's satisfied and closes the book, "Wow, you certainly do know everything you've gone over so far. Good." Which is how it should be - know the stuff you've reviewed, and not know the stuff you've never seen before.
"I know you are frustrated", he says. "But you are right where you need to be. You just want to get there too fast. Quit messing around with aerobatics and the plane building nonsense; anything that isn't helping you with getting your license is a waste of your time." The aerobatic pilots and the homebuilders treat me like I'm some kind of extraordinary pilot, you jerk. They don't make me feel like dirt. They actually believe in me.
"Besides, you are getting all of this feedback for free. No one else will do that for you."
I drove home, fuming. Not charging someone for your time doesn't give you license to be a jerk to them. "Lights" by Ellie Golding started playing on the radio. It's the song that reminds me of Oshkosh. I burst into tears and begged anyone listening - the universe, gods, goddesses, what-have-you - to let me go back there. I hate it here, I hate how petty they are in CAP...and I hate leaving EVERY flight with DV Merlin either frustrated out of my mind or in tears.
So he sighed frustratingly at me and I did the same. On the way back, I made a significant improvement and was quite pleased with the progress I made in such a short time. The pilot riding in the backseat thought so too. See? Just show me once and I'm good to go. Merlin suggested I hang out after and we'd go over some more stuff so I'd get better. During which, he told me I wasn't aggressive enough and how aviation wasn't for the timid. Granted, I agree and I do need to get more aggressive... but I can't do some of the things he wants me to. He says if he starts messing with the buttons on the G1000, then I need to slap his hand away. I've tried... and I just can't do it. I wasn't brought up like that. It's just not part of my DNA. On the other side, he'd faint from shock if I actually ever did... and I just might, too.
He starts packing up his stuff and says if I can't be aggressive, then I can't make it. "Go out, get a black belt and come back and see me", he says.
I smile and reply, "I already have one". Not something I talk about much, but it's true. Or at one point, I guess it was true. So long ago, I doubt it really counts anymore. "First Degree Black Belt, actually."
He laughs. "Who pencil-whipped that one for you? Act like it."
My anger flared. If you know anything about me at all, you know I work hard for everything I have. Nothing I have was handed to me. Attaining my black belt was no different and my mom loves telling that story. I worked extra hard to earn it and no one handed it to me. Dunno how he always knows how to push my buttons, but he does. Not sure if somehow he knew about the black belt or if it was just completely random that he happened upon it.
We continued to work on other stuff, but I steamed. Much like being forced into that CAP meeting when I didn't want to be there. I sat and steamed, barely hearing anything going on or paying attention.
He asked me questions about the G1000 and got frustrated about how I couldn't answer them. "What do you want from me?", I asked, equally as frustrated. "I've never seen this before!"
So he nearly left, telling me he didn't know what to do and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting this... and how I needed to go home to review the videos he gave me, the G1000 training, my textbook and the Mission Observer training. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed because I study EVERY FREE MOMENT I HAVE. I study on my lunch break at work and study when I get home. Sometimes I even listen to ATC broadcasts while working. He's even said before how no one works harder than I do. So when he tells me to do G1000 training, I put down my textbook and concentrate on that. When we meet a few days later, he asks why I haven't been watching the videos. When was I suppose to have time for that?!?! When I'm in the shower??? Or maybe play them in the background while I'm sleeping...? Or perhaps shove the flash drive in my ear and hope it uploads it, maybe?? I don't know!!
Instead of leaving, he asks to see my textbook and opens it to ask me questions out of there. I answer every single one correctly. He's satisfied and closes the book, "Wow, you certainly do know everything you've gone over so far. Good." Which is how it should be - know the stuff you've reviewed, and not know the stuff you've never seen before.
"I know you are frustrated", he says. "But you are right where you need to be. You just want to get there too fast. Quit messing around with aerobatics and the plane building nonsense; anything that isn't helping you with getting your license is a waste of your time." The aerobatic pilots and the homebuilders treat me like I'm some kind of extraordinary pilot, you jerk. They don't make me feel like dirt. They actually believe in me.
"Besides, you are getting all of this feedback for free. No one else will do that for you."
I drove home, fuming. Not charging someone for your time doesn't give you license to be a jerk to them. "Lights" by Ellie Golding started playing on the radio. It's the song that reminds me of Oshkosh. I burst into tears and begged anyone listening - the universe, gods, goddesses, what-have-you - to let me go back there. I hate it here, I hate how petty they are in CAP...and I hate leaving EVERY flight with DV Merlin either frustrated out of my mind or in tears.
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