Disappointment

I set up a meeting with Merlin to talk with him. This direction we are heading is not good. I felt much more comfortable writing it all out and sending it to him, but wanted to do it face to face. He agreed and wanted to go over some more G1000 stuff.

Ok, fair enough. I get the nonsense out of the way and we continue as normal.

He was setting things up when I arrived and we got an in-flight guide printed for me for the Mission Observer training. Then we launched into a review of yesterday's material before I could say a word. Rather before I could get up the courage to say a word. Fine, I'll wait until after. Might be less awkward that way if things go awry.

We review everything from yesterday and I'm knocking those questions out of the park. Merlin drills me HARD and I'm not saying I answered everything correctly, but 90% easily. Maybe that's why he likes to get me mad - I get a certain "grrr I'm gonna show you" attitude and show those questions no mercy. It does drive me a little... but hey, so does joy & enthusiasm.

At one point, he taunts me - "Giving up now, are we?"
"I don't give up", I growled in response.
"Good", he said. "Don't give up on me and I won't give up on you".  Odd response. I'm sure he knew why I wanted to meet.

There's a SAREX (Search & Rescue Exercise) next weekend. I didn't want to sign up at first because it was CAP stuff. I'm still studying all of that, but I've been staying away from meetings. Merlin asked me to sign up and said none of the people causing drama would be there. He neglected to mention himself, but a lot of my buddies were signing up too, so I did. The closer it's getting, the more I'm realizing I'm not ready. I expressed my reservations to Merlin today. He said if I pulled out, it would be a slap in the face to him because he's spent so much time on me.

I thought later that I wish I could have been quick enough to say: "Oh no, I wouldn't want to do that and didn't mean that at all. That'd be like telling someone they cheated on their black belt test."

He said maybe I'd feel more comfortable flying with him, rather than someone I didn't know. Hell no, my reluctance to go to SAREX is because I don't want to be yelled by him in the plane. I want to walk away feeling accomplished and not beaten down. Like last time, I flew with two guys I didn't know and they said I was awesome. I came down from that flight with such a rush and was bouncing around like crazy. We all had been out all day, in 100+ degree temps, with no lunch and everyone was exhausted. I was the only person bouncing around, begging for another flight.

Merlin asked if someone had said something to me the last time that made me lose confidence. "No, those guys were fantastic. I had a great experience last time". It's not them; it's you.

When time was finished, I opened my mouth to say what I came to say... and his wife was behind me to pick him up. I didn't feel right saying it in front of her and closed my mouth.

I wish I could say I hate myself for not being able to say anything to him... and I know I made excuses for not doing so. Worst part is that I'm disappointed in myself. That's 100x worse than hating oneself.  I wish I could be assertive.

On the plus side, remember the pilot I told you about from yesterday? He's a C130 navigator. We got chatting yesterday and he's super nice. Most of the people in CAP seem really serious in meetings, but when you get one-on-one with them in the plane, they are much different. The C130 is my 2nd favorite plane, so it was pretty cool to be able to talk with him especially. I remembered today the respect he had in his eyes when he spoke to me. That really means a lot, you know? A guy in the AF, who navigates the C130 and whom I really respect... respects me, a baby pilot, in return. That makes me feel warm fuzzy allllllllll over!  When we left, he said he wanted to be informed of how my flight training was going and wanted to know if I'd make it or not. Merlin said he'd make sure I'd make it.

No Spirit of Oshkosh in my dreams last night to tell me what to do this time. Mom and some flight buddies say it's time to pull the plug on Merlin. I still haven't regained all of the confidence that I lost from giving my last flight instructor the pink slip and one flight buddy said no one else would have continued in flight training after what I went though. It very nearly destroyed me and I'm afraid if it were to happen again, there would be no maybe this time. I think if I could just talk to him and tell him to knock if off, we'd be okay. It's just a matter of being able to do that... which is harder than it seems.

Oh well, so barrelling non-stop towards the SAREX