Squawk 7700

In the plane, there's a device called the Transponder. You plug in, or squawk, different codes so the ATC (air traffic control) can see you on their radar. There are certain codes you never squawk unless you are in an emergency. 7700 is the code for engine out.

 Had a CAP aircrew meeting last night. An hour before the meeting, Merlin messages me and asks if I want to go flying at night. He asked Monday and I declined, not feeling 100% and wanted to review more stuff. He said it was an "excellent answer" and not to worry. I kicked myself after because it was absolutely beautiful and I was excited to see how flights would go between us after our chat.

So when he asked yesterday, I was over the moon! My energy surged and I had not felt this excited in a very, very long time. Also, in the meeting, we were going to go over a simulated table-top mission and I was going to tell them what to do as the Mission Observer.

I arrive earlier than I thought I would and just am so excited to see everyone. We start the meeting and then launch into the sim. It was going to be a bit different than I thought - 4 pilots all firing off questions at me about what I'm supposed to do. Not comfy. At all. I still don't know a lot of this stuff; I'm still learning and then they start saying stuff like:

"What's the matter? Are you tired? You must be tired."
"Are you nervous or something? Don't be nervous around us."

No, I just don't know any of this. Or have trouble remembering the very little I've learned. Especially with the four of you looking down the table at me like I was a mouse at a lion's dinner table.

So after, Merlin says I've earned it and he was going to take me flying. We adjourned and I happily bounced along. Still a little nervous about flying at night, but I listened to the plane and to the wind, so I was fine. Merlin gave me a good job for being able to take-off, but pfft... you know, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now.

We flew around, looking at all the lights from above. We got to see a marina over at Lake Allatoona and the dam all lit up. Got in a few turns there, too, and Merlin angled the plane up so we could see some of the stars (not many though because it was a bit cloudy). I could recognize more instruments on the G1000 now and I wasn't as afraid to fly at night this time. Merlin got in a few high-angle turns for me and it was just peaceful. Even got a radio call in there. Still not 100% comfortable, but decided it I needed to do it anyways.

I could actually see the airport when we were far away and that surprised him. Actually wanted to attempt landing this time, but he did it. Pooh. :(

So we get back and I'm a lil disappointed about not really being able to do anything and he says there's not much you can do at night. Ok, fair enough, but still disappointed. And still a little smarting from the tribunal earlier at the meeting. But had to give him his credit - he said he took me up "for fun", so I guess it was like an apology flight? I dunno...

He drives me back to my car and we chat for a bit. According to him, the other squadrons look down on ours because people don't perform the way they should. We have too many hot potatoes and he names a few of my friends as being such. He doesn't say I'm one too, but that I should be further along than where I am (mostly talking about mission observer stuff) because of all the time they've spent on me. He didn't want me running around , talking about aviation with other people because if there's something I should know but don't, then it makes him look bad. I totally understand that and it goes both ways. Can't tell you how many airshows or airports I've gone where I mention his name and people say "You fly with HIM???" and say some not so flattering things. If we continue, then our names will be forever tied together and we both have to make sure we don't bring down the name of the other person. "It makes me think I'm a bad instructor and I know I'm not because I've soloed more pilots than anyone at this airport". C'mon now... anyone who has ever taken a statistics class would know that making more solo pilots than anyone doesn't make you good, even if it was true. Maybe you've gone through more students than anyone else. That can result in more solos too.

Anyways, he continues and says most people drop hot potatoes because they don't want that stigma attached to them, but he likes me and won't stop training with me. Ouch. Umm... gee, thanks? What kind ass-backwards compliment was that??? And then he launches into his "You need to study more" speech. I explained to him about the lack of time and I'm doing all I can. How and when am I supposed to watch the videos when you are telling me to look over the G1000 and Mission Observer stuff? I work 40+ hours a week and have other responsibilities.

Others have left like I'm contemplating doing. Merlin got them all staff jobs. He said he'd get me one too, but why would I want to work for an organization that I don't want to volunteer for?

We left and he said he'd message me today. But no messages, no flights, and that's quite alright with me. I came home highly discouraged and low on enthusiasm. I think I need to stay away more than just the Thursday night meetings. It looks like my chat didn't help at all. I didn't really expect it to, as things like that normally don't work, but I still hoped... a little part of me hoped it would.

R2 says it's an abusive relationship I have with him - "There is being tough and then there is always knocking someone down".

I didn't sleep well last night and was in a horrible mood today. It was dangerous having my sleeping bag and tent in my car today; I was about 2.5 seconds from taking off. With my discouragement high and enthusiasm low, I felt like my engine was out again. I lost it after coming back from Oshkosh, got it briefly restarted last week and now it's out again. It's been 7 weeks since I've returned home from Oshkosh. TOO long to still be feeling this way. I can't come back from every flight or every aviation related activity feeling deflated. It'll kill my love for aviation.

I started thinking I might need to talk to a counselor or something. This is ridiculous. Absolutely. Ridiculous.

So I come home mopey after work and settle down to eat dinner. One of my facebook groups for the Spartan 5k race posts this video. It awoke me with a jolt. The engine sputtered to life. It's time to stop being afraid of this race. If those courageous young men could finish that race, then no excuses, I can too. Likewise, I shouldn't be worried about not making it as a pilot if I end up leaving Merlin. Sure, my confidence went down when I left the flight school and sure, it may go down if I leave Merlin. So what??  I won't and I can't let this love for aviation die. There's no way. Screw that little boys' club. I won't give up. I'll just find another squadron if I have to and continue on my own path. Back to the name of this blog: "Attitude is Everything". :)

On a semi-related note, had a friend tell me today that my aviation life actually did resemble Sword & the Stone. "But tell me, Wart", she said to me. "Just when are you going to realize that you're really King Arthur?"

Point taken. But I'm a girl... ;)