Frustrations :/

Went flying (right seat) in a 152 for Mission Observer training for CAP. Usual frustrations surfaced. It was my first time using the G1000 for Mission Observer duties... and DV Merlin expected me to know everything already. "Haven't you been using the simulator?!?!" he asked in frustration. The sim, that I just downloaded a few nights ago, and haven't had much of a chance to use. Even when I had, pressing buttons randomly to figure out what they do is MUCH different than someone saying "bring up the weather" and knowing how to do that.

So he sighed frustratingly at me and I did the same. On the way back, I made a significant improvement and was quite pleased with the progress I made in such a short time. The pilot riding in the backseat thought so too. See? Just show me once and I'm good to go. Merlin suggested I hang out after and we'd go over some more stuff so I'd get better. During which, he told me I wasn't aggressive enough and how aviation wasn't for the timid. Granted, I agree and I do need to get more aggressive... but I can't do some of the things he wants me to. He says if he starts messing with the buttons on the G1000, then I need to slap his hand away. I've tried... and I just can't do it. I wasn't brought up like that. It's just not part of my DNA. On the other side, he'd faint from shock if I actually ever did... and I just might, too.

He starts packing up his stuff and says if I can't be aggressive, then I can't make it. "Go out, get a black belt and come back and see me", he says.

I smile and reply, "I already have one". Not something I talk about much, but it's true. Or at one point, I guess it was true. So long ago, I doubt it really counts anymore. "First Degree Black Belt, actually."

He laughs. "Who pencil-whipped that one for you? Act like it."

My anger flared. If you know anything about me at all, you know I work hard for everything I have. Nothing I have was handed to me. Attaining my black belt was no different and my mom loves telling that story. I worked extra hard to earn it and no one handed it to me. Dunno how he always knows how to push my buttons, but he does. Not sure if somehow he knew about the black belt or if it was just completely random that he happened upon it.

We continued to work on other stuff, but I steamed. Much like being forced into that CAP meeting when I didn't want to be there. I sat and steamed, barely hearing anything going on or paying attention.

He asked me questions about the G1000 and got frustrated about how I couldn't answer them. "What do you want from me?", I asked, equally as frustrated. "I've never seen this before!"

So he nearly left, telling me he didn't know what to do and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting this... and how I needed to go home to review the videos he gave me, the G1000 training, my textbook and the Mission Observer training. I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed because I study EVERY FREE MOMENT I HAVE.  I study on my lunch break at work and study when I get home. Sometimes I even listen to ATC broadcasts while working. He's even said before how no one works harder than I do. So when he tells me to do G1000 training, I put down my textbook and concentrate on that. When we meet a few days later, he asks why I haven't been watching the videos. When was I suppose to have time for that?!?! When I'm in the shower??? Or maybe play them in the background while I'm sleeping...? Or perhaps shove the flash drive in my ear and hope it uploads it, maybe?? I don't know!!

Instead of leaving, he asks to see my textbook and opens it to ask me questions out of there. I answer every single one correctly. He's satisfied and closes the book, "Wow, you certainly do know everything you've gone over so far. Good."  Which is how it should be - know the stuff you've reviewed, and not know the stuff you've never seen before.

"I know you are frustrated", he says. "But you are right where you need to be. You just want to get there too fast. Quit messing around with aerobatics and the plane building nonsense; anything that isn't helping you with getting your license is a waste of your time."  The aerobatic pilots and the homebuilders treat me like I'm some kind of extraordinary pilot, you jerk. They don't make me feel like dirt. They actually believe in me.

"Besides, you are getting all of this feedback for free. No one else will do that for you."

I drove home, fuming. Not charging someone for your time doesn't give you license to be a jerk to them. "Lights" by Ellie Golding started playing on the radio. It's the song that reminds me of Oshkosh. I burst into tears and begged anyone listening - the universe, gods, goddesses, what-have-you - to let me go back there. I hate it here, I hate how petty they are in CAP...and I hate leaving EVERY flight with DV Merlin either frustrated out of my mind or in tears.