Flyabout

Studying and all flying activities have simmered down for the year, so not much to update until the New Year. However, I DID bring my flight computer and manual down with me. I've been having some trouble with it and thought in passing if maybe I could contact one of my flying buddies to help me. Easy solution - ask my Mom for help. :)

We watched a flying movie the other day called "Flyabout". A young girl (early 20's) got her pilot's license and inspired her father to do the same. They got together with a flying club and flew around the coast of Australia. Something like that would be awesome to do.

Although watching it, I was surprised. The daughter was a fairly new pilot, but still had more time than the father. The leader of the group wouldn't let the father land often because he was still shaky about it. "But he has his license!!! How can he not know how to land?!?!", I asked my mother in disbelief. She thought it was funny. "A license is just a license to learn. It doesn't mean you know everything." It just shocked me because for everything you need to to learn and do for the license, I figured you were an expert when you got it. She said it's just like being a freshman in school. Blah.

As my wise mother also pointed out, the father got his license in a matter of weeks. There's no way he could have been prepared for all the conditions in Australia he had to face. The 25 mph crosswind at one airport even through the pilots who had been flying for 20 years off ease.

I'd really like to do a trip like that with my mom. Although after watching, I'd like to be instrument rated first. They ran into quite a bit of patchy weather and she wasn't able to handle it too well. A trip like that is just too much for a new pilot, especially in a new country with unfamiliar conditions and airports.

The good news in taking YEEEEEEEEEEARS, like me, is that I'll have more practical experience than someone who accomplished it in just a few weeks. Just wish it would go faster... I wanna be able to do all the fun things that all of my pilot buddies are doing. I want to go on a trip like the one in the movie. I want to film my own movie of my own trip. I want to fly to Oshkosh. I want to train with the great aerobatic pilots. There's just so much I want to do! Ah well... in time, right?

Merry Christmas to all! I can't wait to see what 2013 brings! =)

CAP Christmas Party and More...

Yet another much overdue update. I've been busy preparing for Christmas (which is right around the corner! Can you believe it?!?!), studying like a demon (Chapter 9 is just out of reach.... Urg!), and trying to mend myself from being sick this past weekend.

The CAP Christmas party was fun. Still don't know a lot of people, but had a good time nonetheless. I officially transferred on the day of the party, so they welcomed me as the newest member. :)  I also confirmed what I kinda thought earlier - they were just being overly nice to me to get me to join, but not in a bad way. The Commander told me that they used to get complaints that people ignored the new members, so they've made an effort to reach out to people more and now that I'm a member, I need to make an effort to reach out to those I don't know (which right now... is basically everyone). So it doesn't mean they are going to stop being nice to me, but I need to make more of an effort to overcome my shyness and be all nice and welcoming to others.

Also!!! They asked me what position I wanted - Mission Observer. I'm mere steps away from getting it!!! No, no, no they said... what position did I want? Like everyday job. Observer is just what I do during missions. The Commander said the reason they all worked so well together is that everyone is a leader in their everyday position. He might be the Commander of the group, but another member (like the other female there) was in charge of the Communications. They really want me to train under her so I get certified in communications as well (I think it's good too - helps with flying and all), but still needed some leadership position. One of the ones they don't have filled was in Personal Development, which is training everyone else to advance in the organization. They already mentioned me teaching the upcoming Scanners and Observers.

Then it came up about how once they went to Hartsfield and got to play on the 747 sims!!!!!!!!!!!! My eyes bugged out of my head and I just about fell on the floor. NO WAYYYYYYYYY!!!! So I asked about what other field trips they do and if there's a lot of them. The guy I spoke to said they don't do much because they are busy, but was mentioning maybe we could start that up in the new year. He started talking about all sorts of Aviation museums in Georgia that I've never even heard of. I mentioned that I set up field trips for my school as part of my job, so I could do that for them as well. He said they could arrange the transportation, if I called the places, collected money and got group rates. Then he told me to think of day trips I'd like to go to... and reminded me we have airplanes available... and he'd talk to the Commander. My eyes glittered, "Is Pensacola a day trip?". He asked if I was talking about the Blue Angels museum and said "You betcha", bringing up Fun & Sun (week-long air show in FL) as well. I held my breath - "Oshkosh too?". He laughed and said it could be. I was over the moon, pleased as punch, happy as a clam and everything in between.

Then the guy who was shouting obscene (but funny) things at the restaurant after last meeting walked up with his wife. She was drop dead gorgeous and you could just tell she was a pilot the way she carried herself. I swore she was my age, but was actually 40-45. I wanna be her when I grow up! Then after talking with her, I recognized her name and only later realized that she was the one who allowed me to go play on all of the flight sims at Flightsafety over a year ago, even though I didn't have my license yet. I wish I had remembered at the time - I might have hugged her. Maybe it was good I didn't put two and two together then...

In studying news, I got stuck at one part involving a weight and balance problem. The book had you set it up and answer 4 questions from the one problem, adding onto the original setup. I messed something up in the very first step and all of the answers were wrong from there. I wrestled with it for an hour... before walking away for a little bit to get a fresh start. I promised myself I'd scrap the work I did and start over. The small break helped, I saw what I did wrong and moved on quite quickly into the section on flight computers.

Now some of this, you can solve with simple math. The book indicated to use the flight computer to solve the problems. It's good for practice and I'll need to learn how to use this thing cold. I got stuck in the mud again. Wrestled with it for a bit, walked away and tried again. Got more stuck in the mud. Trudged through anyways. 4 questions until getting to Chapter 9... and the mud turned into cement Friday night (granted I had just come home from a work Christmas party and was tired). I got sick after that and since then, so haven't had a chance to go back to it yet.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's not a race and it's ok to take my time through the harder portions. I've worked this hard so far, so no need to ruin all of that hard work by racing through something I don't quite understand. I agree fully, but at the same time, I'm almost there - I can see the finish line finally and it frustrates me to be held up or knocked off pace. Get-there-itis; the downfall of all pilots and can cause mistakes in the plane. I know - very bad. I'll get there. Might not be as soon as I'd like, but I'll get there. And I'll be totally stoked when I do because I'll remember how much I struggled to get through it! :)

Anyways, early to bed for me tonight. I'm not quite fully recovered from being sick yet and need my energy for the next few busy days! Plus, I started reading a new book - Letters Home: 1944-45 by Bernice Falk Haydu. It's about the WASP pilots in WWII. I got to meet the author at Oshkosh and she signed the book for me. She was more than just a WASP though - she led all of them when they went to Washington DC in the 70's to fight for recognition. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I liked hearing her speak at Oshkosh and this book reminds me of that. It's like listening to a Great-Aunt or Grandmother telling you about her adventures when she was younger. The book is a collection of letters she wrote to her parents while training to be a WASP, and she goes back to elaborate on things.

Speaking of Oshkosh... I really need to write up my 2nd update, don't I? Oooooo, and speaking of air shows, the Thunderbirds are going to be at the Rome, GA air show next year too!!!!!! I'm gonna get to see the TWICE!!!!!!!!!! =)

Btw, the Wright Brothers made their first powered flight on this day in 1903. Thank you Wright Brothers for all that you did for aviation! <3

Update

I'm a bad little pilot - I haven't updated in over a week.

Things are continuing to look up. Not quite where I want to be, but everyday is better than the day before and I'm constantly moving forward.

- DB Merlin is gone for good. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

- I have a new fan page on Facebook. 50 fans and counting! Go check it out if you haven't already.

- Holding short of Chapter 7, Section 2 in my Jeppesen Book (out of 11). It's going MUCH faster since I finished the King Videos. I've seen everything before, so it's like a review. Up to 19 pages (front & back) of answering questions from the back of the book too!

- Taking practice tests as much as possible. Got my very first 90% score the other day!!! I've also been increasing the total number of questions bit by bit. The real exam has 60 questions, so I need to build up until 60 questions is no big deal, just like where I'm at right now. Between the progress in the textbook and getting better on tests, I am feeling more empowered by the day and it's absolutely fantastic. :)

- Christmas Party with the PDK CAP this weekend. I <3 those guys!

We were supposed to listen to an F-16 pilot speak at Dobbins AFB this past week, but it got postponed until January.

Last meeting of the year next week. Which reminds me, I have to give permission for them to start the transfer. I was holding off... Dunno why... Hope, maybe. Hope that the last squadron would turn into a Disney movie or something. I need to just get moving and email the new commander.

- I'm feeling better lately too. Had a good doctor's visit today. We're aiming to go anti-biotic free for awhile, considering I've been on them off-and-on since August. Blah. I need to start training for the Spartan Sprint again.

-2013 Oshkosh passes went on sale today!!! I may have to wait until January to get mine with Christmas coming up and all. 243 days until Airventure!! =)

                                                                          ~*~*~*~

I've learned a couple of things recently, too:

Lesson 1: In aviation, we have to take the weight & balance of our airplane, passengers and luggage (supposedly) before every flight. The reason for this is because everyone and everything weighs differently and the aircraft can only take so much weight. Even if they weight is within limits, it can change your center of gravity(CG) and that's important to know for take-offs, landings and stall speeds. As pilots, we cannot control the weather or the air pressure once in the air, but we can control who we let in the plane to make it as safe as possible for things under our control.

So the plane represents our life. We cannot control the weather or pressure we might face once in the air, but we can control who we let into our airplane. Physical weights don't matter so much in the life airplane, however, emotional heavyweights can do havoc to our CG. Don't prejudge people, but weigh each person carefully before taking them up in your airplane.

Lesson 2: It doesn't matter how bad things are/were or how you look back on something and regret the time wasted. Did you learn something? If yes, then time wasn't wasted. Yes, it was horrible but if a lesson was learned, it had purpose. And yes, it was awful, but it's over now - time to move onto the next lesson and learn something new.

And on that note, of learning something new - I've got to wrap this up and get in some studying for tonight! Always, always go for your dreams - no matter how long it takes you. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it or let them try to take it away from you. Glow so bright that your nay-sayers are blinded by the light and those that would encourage you are attracted by it, letting their own light glow as well.

Blue skies forever!
-

The PDK CAP

Hello to my new readers! Thank you for joining me on this journey. I'm happy to have you along. Questions and comments always welcomed. =)

2nd meeting tonight with the PDK CAP (Peachtree Dekalb Civil Air Patrol). I had an absolute blast. Normally it takes me quite awhile to warm up to people, but with some of these guys, it's like they've been in my life all along.

Tonight just proves that no matter how bad things are - things ALWAYS happen for a reason. I believe that with my whole heart. I just read a saying the other day about how an arrow needs to be pulled really far back in order to fly and that's what happens when things seem bad to us. We're only being pulled back in order to soar. =)

So same setup as last week - everyone wanted to talk to me and get to know me. They welcomed me back and said after two meetings and a SAREX (search and rescue exercise), they hoped I would stay.

Two guys gave a presentation on a tiny little aviation museum they found on a BBQ run one time. The planes there were amazing! (Sometimes to get certain ratings, we have to make a presentation to the group)

Afterwards, they went for drinks again and told me they hoped I'd go... and I did. :)  Not gonna lie - my ego kinda loved the attention they gave me:

"So you ARE joining right?"   and "WOW. You are almost a Mission Observer? Commander, we could really use someone like her, please make her join!" and "I've heard so much about you. We'd be lucky if you joined us" and "We'd have so much fun together! You can't possibly leave now that you've met us" and "I'd really like to fly with you sometime".

They asked my goals and said they'd help in any way possible. I told them what I wanted to do and they pointed me to the right people. Again, the offer was presented that when I was ready to fly again, they had many CFIs (instructor pilots) there. All I had to do was say the word.

There's opportunities ABOUND! They are setting up Scanner/Observer classes on one Saturday a month and the guy wants me to help teach them. The woman (only other woman) who does the comm radios needs an assistance and she's kinda already buddied up to me. I asked about first aid/CPR and yep, they've got me covered.

I'm just hoping that they aren't just being like this trying to recruit me. :/  However, I think they are pretty genuine for the most part.

I promised Archie I'd fly with him before I decided to join... however, I think I've pretty much decided. Was going to stop by another squadron too... but I just <3 these guys soooooooo much already! My joy & enthusiasm is back and I'm looking forward to meetings again. It gives me such a boost that this squadron that has won so many awards and only wants the best, hard-working people... wants me. Me, the hot potato, that everyone wanted to drop supposedly... the type of person that this squadron makes fun of other squadrons for having. According to Merlin anyways. :/

I talked to him tonight incidentally. It actually went well. Short, but good. He congratulated me on finishing the King videos and I told him about getting an 80% on one of the tests. He said that was pretty good and quizzed me a little about what to do if you were lost - climb, cover, communicate and comply. I couldn't rattle those off and only knew part of it. But it's okay  - just keep plugging away. He ended the convo with "let me know if I can help with anything", which is good, I guess.

But those pilot boys get wild when they are in a room together with a pitcher of beer! LOL They were fun though. A number of times the commander had to tell them to calm down and said "We've got a young lady present!!!" haha like I'm 12 or something...

One guy told a story about how he went over a bombing MOA (Military Operations Area) and was escorted by 2 F-18's. Told his wife that they do that for everyone in that area. LOL omg...  The things these guys tell their wives!!!  Anyways, the guy was in a Bonanza and the others were asking how the F-18's kept up with it. haha (his particular type wasn't very fast... at least not compared to an F-18)

And then one guy was asking me questions and another guy tells him to stop monopolizing me because they all want to talk to me. So he says "You are shameless, man!! Carrying on like this and for godssakes, you are married!!" lol The guy shrugs and holds up his hand to show there was not a ring. I don't think he was flirting - ewww. I certainly wasn't.

Another guy asked what we should do if the stall horn in the plane in broken. There was a silence in the room and someone else asked "How did you find this out? How high were you?". "8,000 feet" he says. "Only you would test the stall horn" they jeered back. "At least you didn't test it at 80 feet!"

So the commander goes to leave and tells me to give him my CAP ID because we're doing this transfer now, so we can get started training me in everything I want to be trained in. I told him next time, so that means we have 2 weeks until then. Next week is the presentation by the F-16 pilot who went to the real Top Gun!!!! :)

Okay, past my bedtime, but in study news (as I haven't updated in a bit) - I'm on Chapter 6, Section B. Missed last night because I was tired and tonight because of the meeting. But tomorrow night, I need to get back to work again. Planning to work on the G1000 as well. I only have 3 searches I need to preform before I'm a Mission Observer. Need to get those down cold before I go for my flight!!

Blue Skies and Happy Thoughts!!! =)

CHECKPOINT!

Checkpoint - landmark on a cross country flight to help gauge direction, timing and fuel.

A minor, yet important, accomplishment was achieved this evening-  I COMPLETED ALL 25 HOURS AND 6 MINUTES OF THE KING FLIGHT TRAINING VIDEOS!!!

It honestly didn't sink in right away and I was more excited to have one hour of video remaining last night. Then as I fixed my leftover turkey dinner, I began to think about it more and more... and started dancing like a goober in my kitchen with Nikki watching me and with my slipper socks on. It's a great feeling and I'm going to bask in it as long as possible.

But bask doesn't mean relax. I'm hitting the Jeppesen book tomorrow and work towards another minor yet important checkpoint in the near future.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

Weathered!

Guess who just made it through the lesson on weather (finally!)?

Yep, we are now at lesson 19 out of 20! Not long to go now! :)

Got my fan page in full swing on Facebook, making my way to the finish line of videos and got the green light to stop the antibiotics today. Things are definitely looking up!

There's only 2 hours and 10 minutes of video remaining. Wonder if I'll be able to plow through all of them tomorrow night? How awesome would that be?!?! Then I'd be able to get some SERIOUS mileage through the Jeppesen textbook during this 4-day weekend!

ALMOST THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

The PDK SAREX

Today was an overall great day. I arrived at the SAREX (search & rescue exercise) bright and early. Everyone was happy to see me. I even ran into an old buddy from my last squadron.

The objective was to show me as much as possible, including flight crew stuff AND mission based stuff. I always wanted to be trained in both - the more skills the better, amirite? But Merlin never wanted me to as he thought it took away from my main task. The qualifications to be Mission Base Assistant are minimal, and I could actually get those done while I'm sitting waiting on a flight. Only one or two teams go up at a time and if I just so happen not to be on one of those teams at a particular time, then why not try to make things run as smoothly on the ground as possible, too? I help them out and I'm not just bored, sitting there like a bump on a log = win/win.

So from the get-go, I'm suddenly popular and everyone wants me to come with them so they can teach me something new. Awesomesauce.

The mission today was power-off. Meaning something occurred and there was no power, no cell phones and we had to get creative with the radios. A group went out to the far side of the runway to set up a make-shift tower. They said if you weren't busy to come join them and it was like putting together legos. I made a mental note to join them if I wasn't in one of the first flight crews called up.

I wasn't... but I was called away to do safety checks on the plane. Usually a Mission Pilot job, but since that's my ultimate goal, they figured it was time well spent. Also, it's a good thing to know for Mission Observer.

Winds were high today, sometimes gusting to 30 knots! I walked down the flight line, trying to not fly away myself and saw a variety of planes - jets, military jets, and biplanes. I smiled and sighed happily; I <3 PDK. We've been separated far too long, my friend.

Another member and I start doing safety checks on one of the planes that will be flown today. Halfway through, someone else walks out to find me - I've been called for a flight crew. They need a Mission Observer who can operate the G1000. Now hold on, guys... let's not get hasty... I know of the G1000 and have flown in planes with it before, but I'm not proficient... Besides, it's been like 2 months since I've done ANY Mission Observer training and I'm shaky at best... Can't I ride as Mission Scanner to watch the Observer?

No Mission Scanner on this flight and the pilot supposedly doesn't know the G1000 well and needs help. Holy crap, I'm certainly not the person you need then...

Alarm bells go off in my head. I look at the pilot I'm suppose to fly with and my legs buckle - the familiar feeling that happens when I don't trust the person enough to fly with them. Wind reports are coming in left and right - 20 knot crosswind and we're not supposed to go up higher than 15 knots, and that's even a high threshold. I sigh with relief - they are going to call it. Thank god. The pilot has packed up his things and is ready to go - wait, what? No no no no... "Well, if they wind is coming from 090, then we'll go on the other runway."  So in the plane we go.

Traffic was insane at the airport and we had to wait 30 minutes before takeoff. The line ahead of us included a Cirrus, a Gulfstream, a Piper, a Cessna and a Biplane. During run-up, the engine cylinder temp gauge was running high and when the pilot tested the magnetos, the left one ran really rough. He said we might have to turn back if he can't get it to smooth out and messed with it by leaning out the mixture to run out all of the carbon. We were sitting there awhile for take-off and he was able to get it running smoothly.

We took off and everything was fine. I kicked myself for flying in an airplane where I didn't feel safe and the alarm bells went off in my head, but I guess it was just nerves and lack of confidence from all the crap before. How are you supposed to tell the difference?!?!

Anyways, we had this 60 lb thing in the back seat that I had to help hook up and activate from the front panel with all the other gadgets I have to operate. It was called a "Repeater" and it helped broadcast a signal all across the state, even to Tennessee if we were high enough. If power goes out and communications are down, this device helps radio communications. Basically, our plane was acting like a big antenna in the sky. We had to go up to 5,500 ft and just fly in circles. Once we got everything set up, there wasn't much to do but look out at the pretty scenery (Lake Lanier!) and just listen on the radio. I communicated with them at first, but after, they didn't need us much at all. I could hear them over the radio and monitored them. At one point, they couldn't hear each other and I could just hear the ground communications. They told me after that I should have tried to relay between the other plane and the ground, but I didn't even know how to go about doing that if no one could hear the other plane. I guess you'd agree on another frequency with the other plane ahead of time or something. It's okay - they said that's why they run this exercise; to find out what you need to work on before a real emergency.

Seemed a little boring to fly around in circles and just monitor the radio waves. I wanted to look out the window for targets. But this is considered one of the most important because everyone is relying on you to communicate. Another plane came into the grid later and we had to switch off. Timing had to be perfect in order to do it and we did it successfully.

By the way, all the communications between the ground and our plane had to be done by me. The pilot was on one frequency with ATC (Air Traffic Control) and then when we left the airport, he was on another frequency with Flight Following, because the traffic was so busy and they helped us keep an eye out for them. There was no way he could be on the ground frequency, too, so it was all me. In fact, he couldn't hear what they were saying to me and what I was saying to them. We had to split it because it would be too distracting to him.

I still heard Merlin's voice in my head - "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?!?!" and my fingers moved all over panel. The pilot seemed content on doing his own stuff on his panel, but I asked him what I could help him set up anyways. Merlin always said it was the pilot's job to fly the plane and the Observer had to set up everything else.

Best part about the flight? Gaining confidence to go back in a plane again. Not to mention, I have a few more tasks signed off for my rating, too.

I got back and talked with my buddy from the previous squadron. He asked what I was up to these days and I went into it a little bit, but not much. Told him I was thinking of transferring. He asked about flight training and I laughed sadly, saying I was on a "break". He seemed to clue in after that and knew who my instructor had been. He asked me about my experience and I said "I take the 5th". haha He thought that was funny, but I said I didn't want to say anything bad, but... *shrug*. He understood. Then he said that Merlin was a "nice guy, a great pilot and really smart, but his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality just ruins it". I've never heard it put better than that. Very, very true. He said he heard some rumors about him and without elaborating, asked me if I was okay. I got what he was alluding to and Merlin never hurt me *that* way... I became sad again. Why are you like that, Merlin?? When things were great, they were awesome. Before I left for Oshkosh, you were like a brother to me. And after... you just became so jealous with Oshkosh and aerobatics... I wish things were different. We could have had so much fun flying together.

But the sucker punch came when he said: "Good thing for Georgia that he's gone, right?".

You could have pushed me over with a feather. Gone??? What do you mean 'gone'??  Apparently, he just disappeared a few weeks ago. Just POOF! gone. His online record started listing a squadron in North Carolina as his new home base. Gone, just like that...  I'm stunned; I don't know what to think. I'm numb, actually. I guess I'm an idiot, but I had a scenario in my head that he came to me to apologize and we talked everything out like that heart-to-heart we had before. It took some work, but we were able to patch things up and he fixed his Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde complex, so we were able to fly together again. And then all of the animals joined hands while singing "Kumbayah". Yeah... too bad this isn't a Disney movie, right?

I'm sure it's because I never actually got closure and that's what I'm looking for. Now it's pretty much a certainty that I won't get it... at least from him. I'll have to do that on my own.

Wish today didn't end on a really sucky note because it was great overall. I still have a few more tasks I need to get signed off for my rating of Mission Observer. I need to be in a plane that has a VOR and DME (VHF Omnidirectional Range and Distance Measuring Equipment), which our plane didn't have today. Also need to set up a few more searches that weren't called for in today's simulated mission. And that's all. The only reason that I didn't get completely signed off today was that we didn't have the equipment available or the searches I needed weren't needed. That's all. So that's a pretty good feeling. My old squadron is having a SAREX on December 1st and 2nd. Considering Merlin's gone, I may check to see if the Commander is gone too. If so, I may join them just to get everything signed off.

Debating on trying to trudge through some more videos on weather tonight or to just crash early...

Slow Moving Cold Fronts

A front is a boundary between two air masses with differing temperatures. The cold front has cold air behind it and warm air in front. A slow moving cold front has a shallower slope than a fast moving cold front, so warm air isn't thrust up as rapidly and as a result, not as violent. Rain and colder weather will remain around longer as the front passes through. It can move so slow that it almost resembles a stationary front.

Uggh, this weather stuff is moving soooooooooooo sloooooooooow. There's so much information that I'm constantly pausing, rewinding, replaying and am up to my eyeballs in notes. The last 6 minute segment I just watched, took me an hour to complete.

Now granted, halfway through my A.D.D. kicked into overdrive and I got bored causing me to wander away for a few or peek on facebook. It's making my brain feel like mush.

I start watching and the lady on the video mentions something or defines some key term. Great, I pause it and write it down. Wait - what did she say again? Rewind, replay, pause, scribble it down. Repeat for the next term given. Now she combines the two terms and relates them together. Wait - what just happened. I pause and rewind so often that I forget what she is talking about and have to go back to watch AGAIN because all the pausing, rewinding and replaying is chopping it up too much.

It gets highly discouraging at this point to look down at the seconds counter and see only 20 seconds of video has passed. lol And then A.D.D. kicks in and I wander off...

I feel the need... the need for SPEED! I loooooooove when things go fast!!! This is c-r-a-w-l-i-n-g by. I'm STILL on Chapter 18 when I shoulda been done by now!!!

I think what I need to do is after I've watched a segment all paused and rewound to pieces is to go back and watch it again a second time without any pauses. Maybe it'll sink in then and I won't feel so held up.... but my brain is rebelling. It says it's tired and it's time for bed. No other warm fronts or cumulus clouds are going to fit in there this evening.

Now what I'm hoping is that it's slow moving while I get all these terms down and figure out what all of them mean. Once we move onto processes and patterns and such, hopefully it'll go MUCH faster because I know all of the basics. I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping.

Anyways, my cloud-filled brain and I are off to bed. I think I will join the new CAP group for their SAREX this weekend.

The PDK CAP Meeting

I'm happy to say that tonight's meeting was a success! :)

The meeting started off with promoting members that obtained a new ranking, then announcements about how they were setting up a rotating schedule about who was on call for missions and placing members in aircrew teams, then a safety briefing (a REAL one!) and then the main presentation was a guest speaker who was the head of the police safety division to talk about safety/preparedness.

All of that only took about an hour and they operated like a well-oiled machine. About 30 members were there; two being women. They still had rankings and such, but there a few guys in leadership roles and they all worked together. The main commander of the group gave the talk on safety, based on his experiences in the military.

A couple of things I took away from his talk (which were very timely, I might add):

1) If you EVER don't feel safe enough to go in an airplane...for whatever reason, trust that reason and politely say no. They will understand.

2) Another one had to do with leaving the last squadron I was in and I don't remember how... guh, I'm tired! But something that made me smile and think how I made the right decision.

The guest speaker was neat too. He mentioned how everyone needed to be prepared for an emergency and especially people my age were really unprepared because they never thought anything could happen to them and weren't prepared for it.

I recognized some guys from past SAREX's and from air shows. I stayed after to meet the people I had been emailing and other people wanted to meet me too. My last squadron, mostly everyone ignored me, although some would say hi... and only one really took an interest in me... and we all know how that turned out.

Mostly everyone here wanted to shake my hand and talk with me. I shook one guy's hand and sort of recognized him. I asked if he was at a SAREX I was apart of and he answered that he was... and other events we had been too together and he knew of me very well. I helped put away some chairs and one of the guys who got promoted started talking with me. They all went out for drinks after the meetings and he invited me to come with. I declined, not being the drinking type and was just visiting the squadron anyways. He insisted, so I spent the next hour hanging out with them and chatting. The commander even joined in. He said they were friends outside the squadron too because they worked so hard together inside the squadron.

At the table, they kept telling each other to try and recruit me harder. Then we finished the evening with shaking hands and "I hope you stay", "So you are staying right?", "Come back soon!", "Please consider joining, we'll have so much fun!", etc...

In the last squadron, I was all gung-ho about joining from the get-go and no one really said that to me. Pleasantries were exchanged, but no begging for me to join. It was basically "you'll either join or you won't" sort of attitude. Once I remember, Merlin chased a new guy out. Told him that if he was already set on staying, then there was really no need for him to stay during the meeting. He should only stay during that particular meeting if he wasn't sure about staying. That's not very welcoming.

I told them I'd definitely come back and I will. But I sat around that table, watching them all have fun... and I did join in a little, but I'm still a little shy at this stage... and I remember how much fun I had with the people I met at my last squadron and started missing them a little. The commander says they are all like family and it looks like it. I still can't help having reservations.

They are running a SAREX this weekend and invited me to join. I haven't trained as Observer in a looong time. Probably since the last SAREX my squadron had, actually. A month ago? Two months ago? I don't know...

I hesitated and told them how I hadn't trained as an Observer for quite some time and had forgotten a lot of it. They said that's why they constantly train and that's what this exercise is for. I'm just used to Merlin telling me I had to be 1000% proficient before doing something like this or I'd embarrass him.

There are some CFI's in this squadron and they all let me know that they'd train me (outside of CAP) at a reduced rate or even free. All I had to do was tell them I was looking for a CFI. I hate it, but I'm not quite ready. I'd like to study on my own for a little bit more. Maybe I'm a little shell-shocked still, who knows...

Oh yeah... that's another thing I learned tonight - not aviation related, but missing someone(s) doesn't mean you want to go back or want them back. It's just that - missing someone. Maybe missing a time that person represented. And it's okay to miss them, to miss that time... just as long as you aren't looking back and trying to move forward.

OH! Now I remember the 2nd thing he brought up during the safety briefing. I knew I'd remember if I just started typing and tried not to remember it - It's okay to fall sometimes and it's perfectly okay to fail. The more times you fall and fail only indicate your willingness to try. After failing/falling, mourn for a little bit/take some time off if you have to, but get right back up again and try again. I thought it was very timely for now.

In one of my favorite movies of all time, Angels in the Outfield (1994 version), there's a line that Danny Glover says:

"You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down."

So here's to letting in the new and saying goodbye to the old. I'll go to another meeting or two, talk with the commander (perhaps asking pointe blank if there's any drama) and consider going to the SAREX this weekend. They seem nice, well-organized and well worth my time. I'm really glad this meeting went well. Really, really glad.

Under the Weather

I'm on chapter 18 out of the videos. This particular chapter is on weather and as interesting as it is, the information is a little denser and it's been taking me about 30-40 minutes to go through an 8 minute video. As a result of pause to copy down notes and rewind to catch what I've missed.

I never knew you could take temperature and dew point to find out the base of the clouds. That's kind of cool. I honestly didn't quite know what dew point was for before this lesson. haha

"For the water vapor in the air to condense, the air must first cool to the dew point. The temperature at which the air must be cooled in order for the air to become saturated is the dew point." 

I ran a 5k on Saturday and took two naps after. Rolled down a hill to act like a little goober kid and didn't stop to think how that would affect my inner ear problem. Spent all day after recouping. As of tomorrow, I'll have two weeks left of this medication. My stomach has gotten more used to it, but I'm craving a delectable pizza with gooey cheese all over it about now (can't have dairy/calcium right now). And I'd really like to go outside without being afraid to burn (medicine also makes me more sensitive to light).

Above all, I want my ear to get better so I can go flying. Needless to say not only is flying off the radar, but aerobatic flying especially.

My meeting with the new CAP group is tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm excited and quite hopeful about it. Hoping RJ will be there too, but am not sure he will be.

There's going to be a guest speaker in December at Dobbins AFB who trained at Top Gun (Yes, THE Top Gun!!!) and was an F-16. I'm SUPER excited to hear him talk!!!!

Anyways, wish I could say I'd finish up 18 tomorrow night, but as slow as it's going, I'm not sure. But I'm at 18!!! Out of 20!!! And it's taking a bit longer than I'd like... but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

Moving Forward

Finished up lesson 16 tonight by the absolute skin of my teeth. That stupid medicine makes me feel horrible and I knew I only had about an hour to study before I'd start feeling bad. Glad I made it though. This last chapter was on cross country flight planning and I can't wait to get to that part of training! It reminds me soooo much of my trip planning to Oshkosh. :)

I answered 30 practice test questions today at lunch. Was disappointed that I didn't get a 90% ... or even an 80% for that matter. Just need to learn from it and keep moving forward, that's all.

In the near future: Friend's bday party tomorrow night so taking a one-day break from studying, but need to have an early night because of 5k race coming up on Saturday. Tuesday of next week will be the PDK CAP meeting and Thursday of next week will be the EAA meeting. Hope to get in lesson 17 on Saturday, 18 on Sunday, 19 on Monday and finish up 20 by next Wednesday. A little far off from my prediction of finishing up Saturday of this week, but I'm still moving forward. Next will be working out of the textbook when I finish up the videos.

Sorry so short, but this little pilot needs to crash. I hate this medication and I've still got 2 weeks and 5 days of it ahead of me. Blah. :/

Haze

Haze is traditionally an atmospheric phenomenon where dust, smoke and other dry particles obscure the clarity of the sky. Pilots experience low visibility in such atomospheric conditions.


Got in 17 minutes of video in chapter 16 tonight - only a teeny tiny bit. It was about cross country planning tonight. That's sooo cool! Can't wait until I get there!

Went to the doctor the other day, just for a recheck. My ear had started hurting two days before and when I told him, he told me I was about to get sick although I didn't feel anything except the ear pain. It's also not really my ear, but the canal between my ear and my throat. So he plopped me on antibiotics - the same high-powered kind that they use on the people who get anthrax in their system.

I hate it - it makes me feel sick. I don't get why they make meds that make you feel worse than whatever you have. Anyways, I had to take one after dinner and am not feeling so well now. Guh, I've got to take this stuff for 3 weeks. Blah! It's okay, it's okay - at least I got some work in tonight and as long as I'm moving forward, I can afford a night off. Health is most important to take care of, especially since I have a race coming up on Saturday as well.

Also, I took 2 quizzes today at lunch. Didn't get an 80% again and wasn't too pleased with my results, but I just need to keep plugging away. I'll get there, just have to give it time.

Momentum

Just finished up lesson #15 (out of 20!) and I'm feeling very, very good. It's like when I run races, my body can automatically tell me if the finish line is coming soon, even if my eyes can't see it. I'm getting that feeling now - the only difference is that my eyes can see it this time!

I can't WAIT to take another practice test or two tomorrow over my lunch break at work! :)

Not to mention that studying tonight was a welcome distraction from constantly hitting 'refresh' on the MSN homepage for election results. :/

That finish line is rapidly approaching and I've got no CFI to sign me off. It worries me a little, but my inner voice tells me it will be okay and to keep pressing forward. At least this way I'll be ready for him when that time comes, and won't have to waste time playing catch-up. Plus, I still have my study guide and textbook to get through as well - the videos are just one step. A significant step, but just one of many steps I need to complete before going for that test.

It amazes me how much I know now. At the beginning, you look at everything and wonder how on Earth one person is supposed to cram that much information into their head at one time. Then you learn a little, step by step... and you still don't know *everything*, but you look back and see just how far you've come.

But for now, going back to nail biting over the election...

Progress

10:44pm. I'm about to crash... no, not literally, but I'm fighting a losing battle with my eyelids and the guy in the video is starting to speak gibberish. Two signs I know it's time to stop for the evening.

Only had 18 more minutes of video to go until I reached lesson 15. It's okay, I know I know... This isn't a race and as long as I'm moving forward, it's okay. I get it, I was just excited about reaching a new milestone. Better to stop now then to push forward and have to repeat them anyways because I was too tired to understand it. Can barely stay up long enough to make this post.

A thought did occur to me earlier tonight though - in order to take the written test, you must have it signed off by your instructor first. How am I going to get that signed off so I can take the test when I get there? I guess I just need to focus on moving forward for now and worry about that when the time comes. Gawd, I'm sleepy...

Election day tomorrow, hoping for another 80% test and blue skies. Ya know, I'm hoping it's just being sleepy, but I'm getting more and more worried Merlin may come after me. Not physically, but try to ruin my aviation career by getting me grounded. He does that to people that dare to cross him, you know... I do feel much lighter without him though. Should have done it sooner. Maybe he was a boat anchor. Just hope he leaves me alone though. I just want to fly...

The Private Pilot Practice Exam

I took two more practice tests today on my lunch break at work today. Put the ear buds in, turned the epic conquering music up and went to work with obtaining a passing score of 80% in mind. Each question I answered, I was chanting "80%, 80%, 80%" in my head.

...And the first time I didn't make it. Fell short by a lot actually. Then again, most of the randomized questions were about weather. I've yet to get to weather in my lessons yet.

No problem. Go over wrong answers, print out test. I'm getting this. I'm gonna make it. 80%, 80%, 80%...   Restart epic conquering music. Set back to work again. Answer the questions I'm confident I know first and then go back to re-work the others. Fish around for a post-it note to calculate zulu from one time zone to another. Calculate magnetic heading... when two of the answers were 2 degrees off from one another. Check over answers, change one of them. I know one of them is a trick one, but I don't know the proper answer. Double check again. I'm not so sure... some of those questions are tripping me up. Am I gonna make it this time? I've checked enough times and need to stop second guessing myself. Time to see how I did. I position the mouse over the "Grade!" button and hold my breath... please, please, please, please.

The results come back:   80%!

I did it, I did it, I did it!!! My FIRST 80%!!!! I only have a little bit more to go and I'm almost there!!! First I need to make sure it's a consistent 80% all the time, every time and then go up from there. My boss was even excited for me and looked up the minimum score on the test - 70%. :)

Aeronautical Navigation

Talked with my buddy RJ tonight - he's the one considering leaving the squadron for the other one I'm visiting in a couple of weeks. He's in the same boat I am ... or as he says, he was until this past weekend. He's fed up with Merlin, but Merlin hasn't been quite as much of an ass to him.

Merlin's and my email flame war continued until this morning and only stopped after I wrote back, "Sorry, but I'm not going to fight or argue anymore; this is stupid and even stupider through email". He hasn't replied since then.

I was quite moody all day. It's funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, just ironic) that I avoid romantic relationships because of the ups-and-downs, the pain that comes with it and the messy breakup at the end. This feels like a messy break-up to me. I was in a "relationship" and didn't even know it.

RJ spent today with him and Merlin was asking him all sorts of weird questions, like "have you ever felt in danger around me? Have I ever done anything like that to you?". I laughed and said how in our email flame war, I had told him that I no longer trusted him. He shot back with "Why not, I have a flawless safety record". Dude, a flawless safety record doesn't build trust. RJ said it was well-deserved that I fired back that hard in an email to him and also told him he was part to blame for the problems in the squadron/the incident at the air show two weeks ago.

After I went into more depth, he gasped, "He used you". Yeah... that's what I've been saying. Everyone else too. Merlin denied it in the email, saying how I came forward on my own volition. Yeah, and no one set up the incident to happen - THAT part was an accident. And I did contact higher ups about it, which was what I should have done. But to you, it was serendipitous because it furthered your own agenda. He had been trying to get the commander out all along and what happened to me only pushed it along faster. I told him I was hurt by it, but didn't blame him - as a pilot, you have to do what is best for you being the PIC (pilot in command) and all. I'm aggressive like that towards aviation. I maybe won't throw someone under the bus to get there, but I will get there at all costs. I will do what's best for me to get there.

You know I'm beginning to learn? At first, being the only young female redheaded student in rooms full of older male pilots helped me stick out...in a good way. They were drawn to me and were more than willing to give me all the helped I needed. That's how I ended up with most of the sky brothers I have and during all of this, they have had my back and have assured me they won't let me fall or fail. They constantly compliment me (sometimes too much!) and tell me what a great pilot I am or will be. However, there's another side to all of this - I stick out so much that others who want to hold me down are attracted to me too. Instructors like Harpy and Merlin. They are the people that my sky brothers warn me about. So sticking out in aviation has its advantages and disadvantages.

In study news, I was learning about how to use a flight computer tonight. It looks sooo complicated (just like everything else in aviation)! But it's sooo easy to use and kind of a nifty tool, too! Plus, I'm using the one my mom had when she was training to be a pilot, so it's extra special. :)  Trying to figure out the wind calculations has me a little off-course... but I'll figure it out.

Not quite through chapter 13 in the videos, but almost there. Maybe with a little extra push, I'll be able to get through the rest of 13 and 14 tomorrow night! I know this isn't a race and it's okay if I'm not finished by Saturday, but I'm still going to try.

Weight & Balance

One thing about being a pilot is learning to trust your intuition. It's vital because it could save your life one day. That's true for life as well. Many lessons I've learned in aviation can also be used in life and vice versa.

Archie contacted Merlin, asking him if I could fly with them tomorrow. Merlin wrote back and said he would always fly with me and still wanted to help me in any way he could. I asked him why he deleted me from FB and he said because all of this CAP stuff has been rough on him, so he needs friends he can count on. I apparently wasn't there for him. Bravo Sierra - you deleted me because of aerobatics. Man up and don't lie. I know because he deleted me right after I made a post about flying aerobatics over Thanksgiving.

I exploded. Where the hell were you for me? I told him how upset I was at him using me during the air show situation two weeks ago. He told me I was wrong. No apology, no "I'm sorry you felt that way, but you misinterpreted my intentions". Just "you inferred things that were wrong". He tried calling me, but I wouldn't answer. So he emails back again, telling me he had to counsel other people about this situation. I exploded again. Dude, you realize that you make EVERY situation worse by dragging other people in, right? I told him that this was between us and I was upset we couldn't keep it between us. He didn't reply, but he's got me playing his game through an email flame war. I told him I was walking away and I meant it. I'm not doing this childish little thing anymore.

I knew he wouldn't leave me alone. He deleted me from FB to get a reaction from me and I fell for it. He tried to add me back by the way, but I didn't accept it. I'm contacting Archie in the morning and telling him I'm sorry, but I can't fly with Merlin. I tried, really I did. I tried TOO many times... We're just too different, or too alike.. I'm not sure which.

The commander who was helping me with my transfer has stepped down. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I have no one in my corner. Merlin normally goes after those that cross him.

In other aviation news, I was watching more videos tonight. It's gotten a lot harder - not the material, just finding motivation to watch them. It's taking longer to go through them and is like trudging through mud. Doesn't matter I guess, only as long as I continue to move forward. One of the lessons tonight was about weight & balance. I laughed, remembering trying to learn about this for the first time and how it seemed so hard. It's absolutely nothing now. I could literally do the calculations in my sleep now. So I'm starting now on chapter 13 out of 20. If I get to a chapter a day this week, I can finish by next Saturday. I'm gonna update you guys on my progress. One thing that I really enjoyed with Merlin was constantly updating him on my progress. It added momentum that way.

And minor milestone - this blog has officially hit 1,000 pageviews! Thank you!! :)

Heavy Pt. 2

Had a chat with one of my pilot buddies before going out tonight. Remember one of the first pilots I flew with in CAP - the one that I suspected had recently gotten into a crash? Yeah, I talked with him. He still calls me "the brave one" after I flew with him that time. He reminds me of an owl for some reason, but "owl" just didn't fit. I'll go with Archimedes (Archie).

He knew what happened with the Commander and asked how I was doing. I told him I was looking to transfer. He also transferred after the first incident with the Commander confronting Merlin about the miscommunication in scheduling. Archie transferred not to another squadron, but to group (which manages over a bunch of squadrons). Seemed all of Merlin's buddies were transferring there. He tentatively offered and never brought it up again. I didn't bring it up because if I wasn't happy at the squadron level, then why would I want to go to the group level?

So he asked where I was transferring and I told him I was going over to PDK. He asked why so far away and I explained how I've heard good things about them. He warned against me flying at PDK because it was so busy of an airport. Please... it was the first one I ever flew out of and it's like my home away from home. I'm happy to be heading back there. I just don't have the same fondness for McCullum.

He told me to come to group with them. I said no and without going into depth, told him that Merlin and I weren't on good terms anymore. He said he found that hard to believe, as he had lunch with him Tuesday and Merlin does nothing but prattle on about me. I said how he had just deleted me from FB today, so I figured it was pretty much over.

Archie explained that was just Merlin's personality and he's been going through a lot lately, so I shouldn't take it personally. I indicated it was childish and he said so was getting mad at someone for deleting you from FB. Point taken.

He asked me to give him another chance because he's the "best" instructor. And as that may be, HE deleted ME. Doesn't matter even if I give him another chance. Although Archie said he'd be able to teach me, however, would prefer if I was able to patch things up with Merlin. He made me promise to come to a group meeting or two and go flying with him (Archie) before I'd join PDK. I told him I was just attending a few meetings first and was actually going to check out two squadrons before I made up my mind.

I just want my flying journal to be about actual flying again instead of all this gobbledygook. I just want to fly, have fun and get my license. No more drama. I got a horrible thought as I began typing this that even though I thought it was over, I don't think Merlin will ever leave me alone. I'm starting to regret ever joining the CAP. The education has been invaluable and I got to experience so many things & different types of planes in such a short time. Unfortunately, humans also got involved. I desperately want the next squadron to be different... but I'm not getting my hopes up. People are people, no matter where you go.

Heavy

Even Wart had to say goodbye to Merlin at one point.

DB Merlin deleted me off of Facebook today. I got a bad feeling right before it happened, checked it and then it blew me away to see it. I think maybe my joyous post about aerobatics got to him. I did end up sending him a brief, gracious message about how I was sorry that things didn't work out... because I am, honestly. That's the type of person I am - when relationships don't work out, I feel somewhat responsible. I wanted it to work out too, I really did. But what you want to happen and what actually does happen are too different things, unfortunately.

I knew it wasn't working and I knew it was probably going to end soon. Honestly, I had been watching FB for a few days for it to happen. Doesn't mean I'm prepared for it to happen when it does though. Suspecting something will happen is much different than when it actually does happen. I learned that when my last serious relationship ended, too - almost 3 years to the day. Odd how life events coincide like that sometimes.

Like I said yesterday: "Keep Moving Forward". Things are beyond sucky right now, but they'll turn out for the best. I KNOW they will. I have to keep believing they will.

Clear Prop!

Merlin offered me a free flight. I declined. I can't fly with someone I don't trust.

One thing I learned about the mud-obstacle race I was in - it doesn't matter if you fall down in the mud or even how many times you fall. All that matters is if you pick yourself back up and continue to keep moving forward.

I've been discouraged lately and my motivation has been low. Tonight I pushed through a few more video lessons regardless. I also emailed Greg Koontz (the aerobatic performer I met at Oshkosh) about aerobatics and the PDK CAP Squadron about transferring.

I'm Supergirl and nothing's going to keep me on the ground.

Rise

So I lost my clarity after posting the other day. Merlin would not leave me alone and it felt like they were using me to get back at this other guy who confronted me at the air show.

I'm just getting over being sick from all the stress. It's stupid, I know... and I shouldn't let them get to me. But after the initial incident, they just made it worse for me. My mom asked if I regretted what I did - writing them emails about what happened - and I said no. I did the right thing, but what I regret it those guys using me to get the other guy out. They were thrilled when it happened to a young female. This guy has a history of blowing up at people, but never a young female before. The next higher up person is also female, so they are hoping this will sway her more. Shameful. You idiots are no better than he is. At least he's honest enough to yell at someone to their face and not use them behind their back.

I forgot to mention before - I have a song that whenever it plays on the radio, something good happens. It's a song from the 90's; it rarely plays. I heard it on the way home from the air show and started to cry. "WHAT GOOD CAN POSSIBLY COME OUT OF THIS???", I screamed out loud. I'm still haven't lost faith though. Something good WILL happen out of it... although it may take longer than I would like.

In other happier news, I have two flight experiences tomorrow! Not really... but enough to make me happy. One I have advance free tickets to a new movie, Flight, with Denzel Washington that I'll be seeing with R2.




And two, I get to dress up tomorrow at work to announce the Halloween party for the students. My costume has to do with flying and is a little bit of a pun. Plus, I had to make some elements of it and it's completely original. Not telling what it is yet (it's a surprise!), but I'll give one last hint - it's also one of the items on my bucket list...sort of! ;)

Stayed tuned for pictures!

Clarity

It's amazing how a night of sleep and the onset of a new day can make everything look brighter.

I'm in much better spirits than last night. I went to bed and listened to music on my IPod for a little bit. One of the last things I pictured was everything I loved about Oshkosh. I pictured myself there, snuggling into my sleeping bag in my tent, underneath the clear, starlit sky.

I had hoped to dream of the Spirit of Oshkosh and have her tell me that it was okay to come home now, but I didn't. Instead, I awoke with the thought of how my behavior wasn't befitting an Oshkoshian. That didn't mean the commander had an excuse for acting the way he did, but I didn't need to react that way. It was Oshkoshian to not fire back at him to his face and just walk away, but the getting angry/yelling afterwards was not. Even though his actions appeared to be directed at me personally, they were not personal. Even if he intended them as such, they were not personal. Therefore, I should not have allowed myself to get angry. I should not have allowed him to ruin an air show, or the remainder of my day.

Besides, I have way too much studying to do... ;)

Silly boys, airplanes are for girls

The Paulding air show was today. I figured it would be good for me to get out and enjoy the last air show of the year, even though I was still grumbly. Actually, this morning I woke up sad, as I dreamed about airplanes last night. I wished for every part of my being that things were different. But wishes aren't reality unfortunately.

None of my friends could go to the air show, so I was going solo today. No biggie. I do it all the time. I've got my chair, got my aviator's - I'm happy.  I found a nice spot near the flight line and after a bit, I got up to walk around. A nice aerobatic performance started, so I grabbed some food and returned to my seat.

I heard my name called as I was about to sit down and one of the CAP members I was friendly with, happened to be sitting next to my chair.  We watched the show together and then left when it was over. He mentioned how other people from our squadron were here also.

I started one last walk around before they closed up the air show. Lo and behold, one of the first groups I ran into were the CAP guys. I recognized one guy from some of the meetings, said hello, shook his hand, and asked how he liked the show. The commander of the squadron was there too and turned around at our exchange. I said hello to him and shook his hand as well.

"Aren't you ever going to return to the squadron?", he suddenly asked angrily.

Where the hell did that come from?!?! I'm actually planning to transfer, but told myself I wouldn't discuss this here. We're at an air show, for god's sakes, and surrounded by other senior members and cadets. Have some decorum, man.

So I offer a noncommittal "maybe".  I don't want to discuss this at the air show, especially in front of so many people. I like to think I have class and manners... unlike my "friend".

Then he goes crazy and launches into about how our Wednesday meetings aren't sanctioned and we need to attend actual CAP meetings once a month or we'll be grounded. So we can choose to be grounded or transfer. Besides, we were wearing CAP uniforms at the meetings and it wasn't a CAP event, blah blah.

I didn't know what to say. There's a hundred different things I could say that I'll say here, but there's no way I'm saying them with cadets and other members staring me down. I said "okay", said a polite goodbye and left.

First, Merlin got permission for those meetings. Second, don't give me an ultimatum; you won't like what I choose. Third, I'm an adult, don't talk to me like that. Fourth, we're at an air show; don't bring this crap up here, especially in front of people. Fifth, you want people to come to your meetings? Don't make them a waste of my time. Sixth, we aren't wearing uniforms there. Sometimes some members have a flight just beforehand. Seventh, I was at your meetings about 2 weeks ago.

Air shows are like my church. It's sacrilegious to have confrontations at them. Don't piss me off at a place/event I love so much. Obvious the "commander" isn't an Oshkoshian. Altercations at an air show would be taboo for them. So he successfully made an air show - one of my favorite things in the world - a horrible experience. I know I shouldn't let him get under my skin, but he did.

I was shaking after the incident. Mostly from rage. I nearly turned around to give him a piece of my mind, but just decided to walk away. Cadets were surrounding him and he wasn't worth it, honestly.

I paced around like an angry tigress. What could I do? I texted Merlin. Not optimal, but the only option I had. Stupid CAP. Didn't want to call him because I was seconds away from yelling or crying, but he called me. He told me to write everything in an email to him  and he'd contact the person above him. I'd like to write him myself, in addition to Merlin and I think I'm going to anyways. There's no excuse for this type of behavior, especially from a 60+ year old man, as the commander is. Why don't you communicate with people to find out why they aren't coming and try to fix it rather than threatening them? Grow up and learn how to communicate. As one friend once said - it's sad when a girl who sleeps with stuffed animals and likes cartoons, like me, is the most mature person in the room.

CAP looks so good from the outside. Why can't you boys play nice? Why do you have to be like this? I was so angry earlier that I was letting out strings of cuss words I never say. Now they are just breaking my heart. I miss Oshkosh. I want to go home. Home, where everyone respect each other and got along.

Merlin says I'm grounded anyways until this is solved. He says I'm too stressed out and people can't fly when going through that much stress. You fool - I said I wanted to be left alone for 2 weeks, I said I wanted to stay away from CAP!!! Instead of being caught in the middle, I'm now their target. Leave me alone, all of you. I'm sick of it. I have studying to do and videos to watch. Go play your little boy game somewhere else - I've got too much to do.

Merlin called, said they'd start things tonight and let me know in the morning. I don't think I'll sleep much tonight. I hate CAP so so very much right now. Why - you who brought me so much joy. Why??  I hate that it bleeds over into aviation. How can something good be so bad? Why do you boys not realize that it's fake?? It's not your personal game and those titles that you let go to your head are FAKE!!!!!! It's supposed to be fun dammit! Why do you not realize that??

Geez... I should have kept walking at that air show, kept my head down and hoped they didn't see me. Anyways, I'm off to bed. Hoping to get a good night's sleep to make me feel better. Maybe things will look up in the morning.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't wish ill will towards anyone, but I hope the commander gets his ass handed to him. He deserves it.

Crushed

I need to stop reading past entries. They are depressing me a little. Hard to believe that only a few months ago, I was excitedly writing about how much I loved CAP and to have a complete 180 now. Surely something I once loved so much can be restored to that same amount, right? Right now, it's currently on life support. Shame of how things turn out that way.

If it was what it looked like on paper and what it appeared to be at first, then it'd be wonderful. But the squabbling... the power trips...the pettiness...and the immaturity. It wears ya down after awhile. I didn't mention here, but I went back to one meeting a couple of weeks ago. There were 6 of us there: 3 presenters... and 3 members, including myself. The commander griped about the lack of attendance, but what are you going to do? I could have taught the material and it took an hour when it was supposed to have taken 2. IMHO, I felt like it wasted my time; I could have been home studying. So I haven't been back since. This week's was about G1000 safety. That'd take 15 minutes to go through... with questions.

I've pretty much decided to transfer squadrons. One of my buddies plans to transfer too, so at least I won't be alone.

Holding Short

Hold short: An instruction given by the ATC (Air Traffic Control) to the pilot, telling him to remain at the taxiway/runway threshold (usually because of other traffic in the area) and to wait until further instructed.

In last week's meeting, Merlin brought an aviation trivia game called "Hold Short". We had fun playing... or at least I did. There were 4 of us total. There were different levels with different levels of questions, based on your rating.

The boys started fighting over whose turn it was because they forgot. Seriously, the scene at the table was:

"It was my turn!"
"No, mine!"
"No, MINE!"

Silly boys. Aviation is for girls. But we had fun and I started enjoying the meetings again. Merlin told the others what a great job I did on the Gx60.

My training hit a complete stop after this, due to financial and medical reasons. Merlin wasn't happy and morphed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde - "Do you want to be a pilot or are you just a thrill-seeker??", he told me angrily over the phone. He asked if I had given up. I was confused, nothing I had done recently indicated this. Sure, I have moments... but none recently.

I was so taken aback and wasn't sure what to say. I wrote a respectful email later, and said how I could be both a pilot and a thrill-seeker. I had spent the majority of the weekend inside, during beautiful weather, because I knew I had to make sacrifices in order to do this. Actually, I was feeling pretty good about my progress that past weekend... until the phone call from Darth Merlin.

So in the email, I told him that his attitude wasn't helping and outlined everything I had accomplished that weekend. I asked him to believe in me - that I really needed to do that for myself, but it would really help if he believed in me too.

I didn't want to go to the next meeting and found myself relieved that no meeting reminder came through my email. I messaged him - no response. I figured he must have been pissed about my response to him. 5pm - still no response, so I figured I was free. I got on my running clothes to run out of my frustrations.

I literally had one foot out the door when he texted me and said to meet in 20 minutes. I was furious. Learn to respect my time. I texted back, saying how I'm at least 30 minutes away. He doesn't reply. I waste so much time waiting for a reply that it would get dark out before I could finish my run. I was cutting it close as it was when I had one foot out the door. I grumbled, thinking he'd be upset if I didn't go and I really couldn't make it before it got dark, so I changed my clothes to regular ones and went to the meeting. DV Merlin was slowly becoming DB Merlin.

At the meeting, he did the unthinkable - he apologized in front of everyone. He told them that he thought I was doing a great job and he did believe in me. The whole meeting was kind of geared towards helping me, so I was happy.

We agreed for me to update him constantly on where I was on the videos and to email him whenever I finished a quiz (with the answers) on tests4pilots.com. He said it would be more productive and he could keep up with my progress more. Done!

I'd watch the videos at night after I got home from work and would stop watching when I got so tired, they didn't sound like they were speaking English anymore. I started taking the tests on my lunch break at work. One test was 10 questions, which he told me I needed to do more because the actual test was 60 questions. I had only gotten 15 minutes for lunch that day, so chose a shorter test. He was satisfied. I began getting feedback like "Excellent!" or "This is fantastic!" or "Good job!". Things were good.

I went to the meeting last night. Got in a run before the meeting and was quite happy to be able to fit all of my activities in. Life is good. The topics for the meeting were more geared towards the pilots, but I can still listen and learn. The meeting ended with Merlin asking how I was progressing in my studies. I was confused, but laughed and said he knew because I constantly updated him.

DV Merlin comes out and says I'm not working hard enough, as I haven't sent him a test I've taken in over a week. Actually, it was 5 days. I was too busy for lunch at work on Friday, I was out all weekend with my friends, too busy for lunch on Monday and too exhausted on Tuesday, so I took a nap. Granted perhaps I shouldn't have spent alllllll weekend out and maybe I can scale back on facebook to fit in some more study time. Still, I was taken aback from him praising me behind closed doors and berating me in front of everyone.

So the last flight we took, there was something wrong with the plane. Just an engine cylinder temp gauge - nothing critical and he was able to fix it. Even still, I asked if we should squawk (report) it anyways, just in case? He says we should, but people get upset at him if he does, so I asked if I should do it and he said no. He reported it and nothing happened. I asked a bit later if it had ever been fixed and once again, he said no. He said he didn't like having people upset at him, but was pleased that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Last night at the meeting, he brings it up... but it still hasn't been fixed. He says he wants to show me the emails to prove he has reported it and that no one has replied to him about it. So he shows me the email and it says that I keep bugging him about it and its making him uncomfortable. This was the last straw - telling me one thing to my face and then saying another in front of others or when my back is turned is not cool.

I wrote him another email when I got home, saying I needed to suspend all CAP activities for the next two weeks. I needed to think about things. I'm tired of being treated like a yo-yo.

So, two weeks. I already think I know what I'm going to do. Doesn't make it any easier though.

In other, happier news - just heard the flight school I trained with is closing their doors at that location. Makes me feel better about the decision to leave them. See? Everything does happen for a reason and karma DOES work! :)

And there's a new movie with Denzel Washington coming out soon called "Flight". I have two free tickets to see an advanced screening of it next week, so R2 and are going to see it!

WGP and Wings over North GA

Merlin and I went flying last week in the Maule. I love this aircraft - nothing but plexiglass and fabrics. It moves differently than other airplanes and you can see more out of it. We went up at night and I felt absolutely no reservations about this night flight... then again, I wasn't in the driver's seat either. We went up to work on MO stuff for CAP. The Maule had the Gx60 system, which is like the Gx55, but with a communications unit attached. Similar, yet different.

We practiced on the sim on his computer before going up, so I felt much better about everything. Once I got into the plane, I didn't know everything 100% but there was definitely a marked improvement.

Merlin actually had a good tactic - he said he was a dopey pilot and I needed to tell him everything to do. I had set up our course and he was completely off of it, flying all over the map and up and down. I was fearing we'd have a repeat of the time I nearly lost my cookies in the plane and said "Well, for one, fly straight and level. I can't figure this out with you flying like that". He thought that was funny and said "ok, done". Much easier to focus and find things... although I did like the porpoising.

I found the course we needed to be on and which direction, but we were 4 miles out and I was heading parallel to where I needed to be. Ok, easy enough - turn right... But no, no that's not it either because now we're going in a circle. OH! How about turn right and head 30 degrees off course to where we needed to be so we meet our desired course! Booyah - got it!

The next day, we had our aircrew meeting and I had to show everyone what I did through the simulator. I had the knowledge from just working on it the night before and the confidence from that. Also I had a friend tell me that I had a confidence problem. She said I needed to act like the WGP.

"Act like a what?"

"WGP - World's Greatest Pilot"

I laughed. "I'm only a student. Besides, other pilots have told me that you become dangerous if you think like that and they'll think I'm crazy if I act like that."

"I said act like it, don't act on it. Go into that room believing you are."

She actually made a lot of sense. Good idea!

So I went into that meeting room with all of that in my head. When I started feeling intimidated by them, I thought: "I'm the WGP, why am I intimidated?" and stopped being such. I sat up straighter and stopped answering their questions with unsure-sounding answers. I took out the question mark from my answers and put in a firm confident period. Even when I was wrong, I answered the question with conviction as though I was confident in my answers.

It worked. I was answering their questions right and left... and actually even corrected them sometimes. Not in a know-it-all or rude sort of way. Caused Merlin to stop and blink a few times and say "Oh yeah... yeah you are right". So overall it was a pretty good night. I couldn't believe it actually worked to change my thinking like that! Well... I guess I did... I've learned that kind of positive thinking before and how it really changes stuff. Guess it helped that I just reviewed all of that stuff in the plane though too.

This past weekend was the Wings over North Georgia air show in Rome, GA. My first since Oshkosh.

I got to talk to a female F-18 pilot for about 5 minutes!!! She's my age too and it was kinda cool because that was the airport she soloed out of when she was 16. I asked if she flew in the show and she said no, that she was just flying the "spare" F-18 out and then back again. So I asked if there was another spare F-18 I could have. lol

Then there was the Jelly Belly plane in which the pilot went up to 6,000ft and shut off the engine. He did an entire aerobatic routine with no engine. It was really eerie to hear no sound and as he got closer, you could see that the propeller was stationary. There was a guy standing on the runway and it was the pilot's goal to land and give the guy on the runway a high-5. He accomplished his goal and stopped right when he gave the other guy a high-5. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!

Then, then, then!!! The Canadian Snowbirds flew!! I saw them at my first airshow at Dobbins. They were fabulous. One of the pilots had to land early because he hit a bird. Later, they were signing autographs (I have a poster signed by all of them now!! SQUEEE!!!!) and they said the same pilot hit a bird the previous day as well. Ironically, his call-sign was "Bird". haha

It was a fantastic day. I'm sooo in my element at airshows. Made me a little homesick for Oshkosh again.

Oshkosh Airventure 2012 - Pt. 1

It's hard to believe a year ago I didn't even know something like this existed. I was listening to live.atc.net for the ATC broadcasts to help with my communication skills in the plane. Usually I listened to JFK, as the transmitions were back-to-back-to-back. However, I looked on the list to see the most listened to transmistion and it said "Oshkosh, WI" and it was more than double the listeners that JFK had on their best day. My curiousity was peaked - why would a little town in WI suddenly have a sharp peak in listeners? So I tuned in to find out they were having an air show... and it continued each day that week. No WAY!!! A week long air show?!?! I listened to the broadcast intently (and with growing envy each day), thinking to myself, "I MUST go here one day!!"

One of the transmitions I heard that first day caused me to burst out laughing in my office:

"Oshkosh Tower, 123 Alpha Bravo, 15 miles to the NE, inbound for landing"

"123 Alpha Bravo, negative, unable."

"Unable? Should I go around?"

"Negative. Unable to land"

"Unable to land?? Why the hell can't I land???"

Slight pause.... "Um... because there's an airshow, sir"

"Oh.... okay then."

Not exactly how it went, but close enough. I had never heard them speak over the radios like that before and I laughed sooo hard. How did he not see an air show going on beneath him??

I wanted so very badly to go, but I wasn't sure how I'd go about doing that. I had never been on a roadtrip with friends before or anything like this... and Oshkosh, WI was so very far away from Atlanta, GA. But I thought about how I didn't want to be sitting in my office chair listening in absolute envy by the time the next one rolled around. So I thought about what would be my first step in accomplishing all of this if I was going to accomplish it? Step 1 - take off time from work. Afterall, if my boss said "no", then at least I tried. And if he said yes and I didn't make it, I could use that week off for something else. Easy peasy.

Step #2 - researching. This was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. Once I got up there, where would I stay? Camping looked like the cheapest option from their website... and the website mentioned about how it was the best place to connect with the aviation community. Okay, so that's settled. So that meant I needed a tent and a sleeping bag (at the very least). Second part was how I was going to get up there - fly (Commercial or private), bus, train, or drive (w/ friends or self). I tracked commercial flights from 6 months out, and they were too expensive all the way. Plus, then the logistics added in of getting from the airport to Oshkosh. Maybe I'd have to rent a car on top of everything... and then figuring out bus schedules/times if they had them...

I hesitated buying the ticket, wondering what if I didn't make it up there? About 3 months before the show, I bit the bullet and did it. Whether I made it up there or not, it was the first step and needed to be taken care of before the prices went up. And in the off chance, I didn't make it up, the cost was minimal. I must have gazed at that ticket for hours after I bought it, knowing quite well how Charlie felt while looking at his golden ticket in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. Things were coming together and maybe... just maybe, I might pull this off.

Next step was buying the camping spot and all of my camping gear. It started to become very real at this point. Only thing left was transportation, albeit an important step. I'd crawl up there if I had to. It was the only thing left and I was making sure that by hell or highwater, I was making it up there. I'd gaze at a map of the US, my eyes drifting from GA to WI, wondering if I'd really see it with my own eyes. Wondering if I could actually do this.

Well, original transportation was going to be flying up with Merlin... and it fell through. I had some friends going up, so I asked them if I could drive up with them. No go. It suddenly hit me two weeks out that if I was going to make it up there, I was driving myself up. Alone. Now this might not seem like such a big deal... but the longest I had ever driven myself in a car was probably about 2 hrs. I had never done a road trip by myself and the longest road trip I had ever gone on was 4 hrs to Huntsville with a friend. I'll admit, I was scared. But my reaction wasn't "oh well, maybe I'll go next year", but instead "oh well, guess I'm doing this" (which surprised the hell out of me).

I rented a car - a cute little Nissan Versa, and my budget for the trip exploded. It was okay, although unexpected at the time. So I planned as much as I could and even planned for contingencies. I was as ready as I could ever be, although my heart was beating so fast. I remember sitting up the night before I left, wondering once again if I could actually do this, and thought that I loved driving and had at least been to the border of Georgia before. So I'd hop in the car, turn on some music and just drive till I saw Tennessee and if at any point, I felt uncomfortable, I could turn around to come home. No pressure...and I knew I could at least get a refund for the camping spot.

So 6am the following morning, I took off with this mindset. But by the time I saw Tennessee, I was energized, thinking "I'm doing it, I'm really doing it!!!!!!", and wanted to know how far I could go. Typical runner mindset. :)

I saw things I had never seen before and saw thing I wish I could have stopped for. My mom, in typical worried mom fashion, called every 2 hours... I also called her frequently. Talking to her and friends really broke up the monotony. It made me smile later in the afternoon, when Da Vinci texted me, "I told my zombie friends what you were doing and they said you're impressive. :D". She was doing a zombie pub walk that day that I had also wanted to go to.

In Indianapolis, I saw graffiti on the side of a building that said "YOU GO, GIRL!" and it made me smile ear-to-ear.

My boss was nice enough to lend me a GPS for my trip and that was a life-saver. Although now, if I were to take off for WI, I know the way without one.

One thing that tickled me was about how the music on the radio would change, based on where in the country I was. We have one Christian radio station here in Atlanta, and that number increased the further north I got. Indiana greeted me with polka music on the radio. At one point, I think in Kentucky/Indiana, all I could get was religious music, polka music and country music. Blah. I knew I was in a big city (finally) when a hip hop music station popped up just outside of Chicago.

Speaking of Chicago, I became energized the closer and closer I got to WI. Hitting Chicago and seeing Wisconsin signs for the very first time was absolutely magical. I knew I was in the home-stretch then, just 3 more hours to go.

There was a song I kept hearing over and over on the ride up there - "Lights" by Ellie Golding. One of the lyrics says:

"You show me the lights that stop me turn to stone,
you shine them when I'm alone,
and so I tell myself that I'll be strong,
dreaming when they're gone.
Cuz they're calling, calling, calling, calling me home.
Calling, calling, calling home."

I knew it was getting to be dark when I'd be arriving, so this kind of connected because I'd be seeing Oshkosh's lights. And they'd be kind of calling me in like a beacon. Around Chicago is when I started feeling it - feeling Oshkosh and WI calling me, pulling me in... like they were calling me home. Each time I heard it after, it only made that draw stronger... and kind of strengthened me.

Dunno if I've mentioned it, but I was born in Madison, WI. However, my parents and I left when I was 6 months ago. This trip wasn't only for the airshow, but also a chance for me to finally see where I was born. I'd get weird looks from people when I told them this, but it was important for me. It was a chance to cross something off my "Bucket List" and to see where I came from.

I finally arrived by 9pm, Central time. Unfortunately, I came in the opposite way and there were no signs for the camping area. I wandered around for about an hour before I found it. I asked 3 people, who sent me in 3 different directions and I was exhausted. So close, yet still so far. Finally I found where I needed to go, found my friends (on the corner of 14th and Lindburgh) and set up my tent by car headlight. I set up only the basic things - tent & sleeping bag - and figured I could do the rest in the morning. Everyone I called or texted that day wanted to make sure I got in safely, so I made sure to do that too. The only person I did was my pilot pen pal friend. He told me to text him when I got settled, but 10pm seemed to late. I would have to text him in the morning.

It was a hot night and I was delighted to find a "window" (lol a upzippable flap) in the side of my text. I unzipped it and slept on top of my sleeping bag, thankful I had the foresight to bring a sheet as well. I fell asleep, looking up at the stars... which I could see because it was almost completely dark outside due to no city lights around.

I awoke to full sun the next morning. Wow... how long did I sleep?? I didn't set an alarm because I needed my rest, but still wanted to get up at descent hour to experience everything. I rolled over and grabbed my watch - 5:30am. NO WAY! I looked outside... the light made it look like 8 or so. The hell with that. I put on my eyemask (which I also had the foresight of bringing) and turned back over for some more sleep.

Later, the light outside burned so intensely that I could see it through the mask. It had to be at least 10am. I took the mask off and looked outside - the sun was high in the sky. Yep, around 10... or maybe 9, seeing how the sun obviously rose earlier here.  Checked watch. Wrong. 6:30am. Oh well... with a "if you can't  beat them, join them" attitude, I got my stuff together for a trek to the showers.

I used to go camping with my parents when we'd go to Maine in the summer. My mom would always wake me at 5:30 because by 7am, the line would be out the door for the showers and they'd be dirty. I only hoped that was not the case here. Also, in Maine, you would have to pay $0.25 for 5 minutes of shower time. I also hoped that was not the case... especially since I did not have quarters. Fortunately, the showers were free (a fact I gleefully told my mom when I called her that morning) and there were plenty. I never saw a line out the door the entire time I was there.

I walked down the row of showers and a spray came out of one of the stalls, getting me drenched and providing me with a sight no one should see at all, let alone that early in the morning. Note to self: angle my body in the shower so that does not happen to me. So, I started to go into the first shower, but it looked broken, so I went to the next. Same thing. And ditto with the next two. It was not broken, but there was no faucet. Just a spray nozzle hung down from the ceiling - the same time you spray your dishes with at the sink at home. No hot, no cold, just one temperature for all of them. The pressure coming out of it could have properly cleaned an elephant.

"Refreshed" (I kid, the showers did actually turn out to be quiet refreshing after a hot day), I walked back to my camping spot. My friends were awake and I greeted them happily. I asked if they had used the showers, to which one of them replied: "I don't believe I've ever pressured washed myself before". It was quite possibly the best description of the experience in the showers you could possibly get.

After talking and getting some breakfast, we had planned to walk around the air show. They were still setting up, but let people in to wander around. We needed to get orintented with our new surroundings afterall. It was only 8:30am... possibly still too early to text my friend. I could hardly sit still and tried my best to wait until 10am to text him. Needless to say, I was unsuccessful and only hoped when I finally waited out until about 9:15 to text him, that I did not wake him. I cannot tell you how hard it was to wait that long. This brought back memories of waiting and staring at presents on Christmas morning. He wrote back, welcoming me to Oshkosh and said he'd be over around 10am. We had left some things at the campsite, so walked back to grab them before heading into the air show. This is consquently when I also learned that our campsite was about a mile from the air show itself.

Grrr. I'm trying to think of a callsign for him, but can't think of the right one!! I NEVER have this problem, normally they jump out at me. I was thinking "Gunner" because he's like a brother to me now and he builds planes, so BB reminded me of BB Gun (and he shoots too) and then Gunner. But it doesn't seem quite right although he might just get stuck with it anyways because I can't think of anything else.

To Be Continued...

Squawk 7700

In the plane, there's a device called the Transponder. You plug in, or squawk, different codes so the ATC (air traffic control) can see you on their radar. There are certain codes you never squawk unless you are in an emergency. 7700 is the code for engine out.

 Had a CAP aircrew meeting last night. An hour before the meeting, Merlin messages me and asks if I want to go flying at night. He asked Monday and I declined, not feeling 100% and wanted to review more stuff. He said it was an "excellent answer" and not to worry. I kicked myself after because it was absolutely beautiful and I was excited to see how flights would go between us after our chat.

So when he asked yesterday, I was over the moon! My energy surged and I had not felt this excited in a very, very long time. Also, in the meeting, we were going to go over a simulated table-top mission and I was going to tell them what to do as the Mission Observer.

I arrive earlier than I thought I would and just am so excited to see everyone. We start the meeting and then launch into the sim. It was going to be a bit different than I thought - 4 pilots all firing off questions at me about what I'm supposed to do. Not comfy. At all. I still don't know a lot of this stuff; I'm still learning and then they start saying stuff like:

"What's the matter? Are you tired? You must be tired."
"Are you nervous or something? Don't be nervous around us."

No, I just don't know any of this. Or have trouble remembering the very little I've learned. Especially with the four of you looking down the table at me like I was a mouse at a lion's dinner table.

So after, Merlin says I've earned it and he was going to take me flying. We adjourned and I happily bounced along. Still a little nervous about flying at night, but I listened to the plane and to the wind, so I was fine. Merlin gave me a good job for being able to take-off, but pfft... you know, you'd think I'd know how to do that by now.

We flew around, looking at all the lights from above. We got to see a marina over at Lake Allatoona and the dam all lit up. Got in a few turns there, too, and Merlin angled the plane up so we could see some of the stars (not many though because it was a bit cloudy). I could recognize more instruments on the G1000 now and I wasn't as afraid to fly at night this time. Merlin got in a few high-angle turns for me and it was just peaceful. Even got a radio call in there. Still not 100% comfortable, but decided it I needed to do it anyways.

I could actually see the airport when we were far away and that surprised him. Actually wanted to attempt landing this time, but he did it. Pooh. :(

So we get back and I'm a lil disappointed about not really being able to do anything and he says there's not much you can do at night. Ok, fair enough, but still disappointed. And still a little smarting from the tribunal earlier at the meeting. But had to give him his credit - he said he took me up "for fun", so I guess it was like an apology flight? I dunno...

He drives me back to my car and we chat for a bit. According to him, the other squadrons look down on ours because people don't perform the way they should. We have too many hot potatoes and he names a few of my friends as being such. He doesn't say I'm one too, but that I should be further along than where I am (mostly talking about mission observer stuff) because of all the time they've spent on me. He didn't want me running around , talking about aviation with other people because if there's something I should know but don't, then it makes him look bad. I totally understand that and it goes both ways. Can't tell you how many airshows or airports I've gone where I mention his name and people say "You fly with HIM???" and say some not so flattering things. If we continue, then our names will be forever tied together and we both have to make sure we don't bring down the name of the other person. "It makes me think I'm a bad instructor and I know I'm not because I've soloed more pilots than anyone at this airport". C'mon now... anyone who has ever taken a statistics class would know that making more solo pilots than anyone doesn't make you good, even if it was true. Maybe you've gone through more students than anyone else. That can result in more solos too.

Anyways, he continues and says most people drop hot potatoes because they don't want that stigma attached to them, but he likes me and won't stop training with me. Ouch. Umm... gee, thanks? What kind ass-backwards compliment was that??? And then he launches into his "You need to study more" speech. I explained to him about the lack of time and I'm doing all I can. How and when am I supposed to watch the videos when you are telling me to look over the G1000 and Mission Observer stuff? I work 40+ hours a week and have other responsibilities.

Others have left like I'm contemplating doing. Merlin got them all staff jobs. He said he'd get me one too, but why would I want to work for an organization that I don't want to volunteer for?

We left and he said he'd message me today. But no messages, no flights, and that's quite alright with me. I came home highly discouraged and low on enthusiasm. I think I need to stay away more than just the Thursday night meetings. It looks like my chat didn't help at all. I didn't really expect it to, as things like that normally don't work, but I still hoped... a little part of me hoped it would.

R2 says it's an abusive relationship I have with him - "There is being tough and then there is always knocking someone down".

I didn't sleep well last night and was in a horrible mood today. It was dangerous having my sleeping bag and tent in my car today; I was about 2.5 seconds from taking off. With my discouragement high and enthusiasm low, I felt like my engine was out again. I lost it after coming back from Oshkosh, got it briefly restarted last week and now it's out again. It's been 7 weeks since I've returned home from Oshkosh. TOO long to still be feeling this way. I can't come back from every flight or every aviation related activity feeling deflated. It'll kill my love for aviation.

I started thinking I might need to talk to a counselor or something. This is ridiculous. Absolutely. Ridiculous.

So I come home mopey after work and settle down to eat dinner. One of my facebook groups for the Spartan 5k race posts this video. It awoke me with a jolt. The engine sputtered to life. It's time to stop being afraid of this race. If those courageous young men could finish that race, then no excuses, I can too. Likewise, I shouldn't be worried about not making it as a pilot if I end up leaving Merlin. Sure, my confidence went down when I left the flight school and sure, it may go down if I leave Merlin. So what??  I won't and I can't let this love for aviation die. There's no way. Screw that little boys' club. I won't give up. I'll just find another squadron if I have to and continue on my own path. Back to the name of this blog: "Attitude is Everything". :)

On a semi-related note, had a friend tell me today that my aviation life actually did resemble Sword & the Stone. "But tell me, Wart", she said to me. "Just when are you going to realize that you're really King Arthur?"

Point taken. But I'm a girl... ;)